V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)

Snake is a seventeen year old boy with too much time to waste, too many drugs to do, too many game consoles to steal, and too much porn to watch (on Porntube, his favorite site). V.A.P.I is a human alien hybrid, created in a lab by a mad scientist who loves Deepak Chopra and cat videos. Snake and V.A.P.I fall in love, have anal sex, do drugs (not in that order, but you get the idea) and learn the meaning of meaninglessness.


4. Tender, Blossoming Love

Vapi liked to knit. Well, he called it crochet, but really though, what's the fucking difference? Do you know? Can somebody tell me? Anyways, that's what Vapi was doing the day me and him decided to take speed: knitting. Or crocheting. Whatever.

I should probably rewind again so you know how I wound up tweaking out in a bathtub, wearing wool socks with little palm trees on them, and washing cat pulp off my arm. 

After Vapi cracked Titus's ribs (three of them), Mr. *noise* showed up (My principal. Can't remember his name. It's one of those Russian names, the ones that make you choke when you try and say them.), and so did an ambulance, and the cops.

Mr. *noise* gave everyone who watched the fight a two day suspension except for me, because he gave me a week long suspension, because it was the third time I'd been suspended that semester. I was fine with a week long suspension, because I was probably gonna drop out anyways. My history teacher said I could make a lot of money in the oil patch.

Vapi didn't get suspended. Mr. *noise* asked the cops:

"That kid who wears his mom's clothes? Who is that kid, anyways?"

And the cops said:

"We're not sure."

Getting suspended meant that I had more time to do what I really wanted to do: get baked and play Black Ops 3. So I got baked and played Black Ops 3 a lot that week, but I also spent more time than I ever thought I would with Vapi.

Ever notice how the people you end up liking the most are the ones that you thought sucked at first? I have.

When Wyatt pushed me off the slide when we were kids I really considered shitting in his swimming pool (he had a swimming pool) . Then he started showing up with cookies for me, and then he invited me over to his house to go dirt biking. Once you crash a dirt bike together, you can't go back to hating the person who broke your arm. 

That's what happened with Vapi, too. I mean, we didn't crash a dirt bike together, but things brought us closer.

The first thing was Titus. If Vapi hadn't of kicked Titus's ass. Well, then Vapi would have kicked my ass. Maybe. But kicking Titus's ass made Vapi cool shit in my books. 

The second thing was Aguppi. Oompa's friend Aguppi thought that Vapi was cute, but she was too lazy to get to know Vapi on her own so she got Oompa to do it for her. So Oompa started inviting Vapi everywhere, including over to my house.

Me and Wyatt used to hang out at Oompa's house after school until I pissed in her fridge and her dad told her that if I ever came around again he would shoot me. (Plus, I think he knew that I stole his iPhone).

So my house became the new hangout spot, because it was the second closest house to school.

Honestly, I think my place was a better spot anyways. We had to go outside to smoke weed at Oompa's place, but at my place we could get high in my room. Or the kitchen. Or the living room. Or wherever, because my mom didn't give a shit. She mostly hung out in her room under a blanket with a bottle of this vodka that came in a plastic bottle with a red nozzle called 'stinging duck' (even I wouldn't drink it, but she drank it out of the bottle with a straw). The only time my mom left her room was around noon to watch Jerry Springer and smoke cigarettes. That week she ran out of smokes, which pissed me off because I couldn't buy them myself, and my friend who usually bought them for me was in Phoenix.

Oh, and my dad was in jail, so he wasn't around to buy me smokes either.

Vapi said the same thing most people said when they walked into my house: "What's that smell?"

The smell was the garbage in the kitchen (my mom hadn't cleaned it since she quit being a hairdresser to get drunk all the time), and Mrs. Kitty's litter box (my sister hadn't cleaned it since she moved to the city to go to college).

So I told Vapi: "It's the kitchen and my sister's litter box."

"Your sister uses a litter box?"

"No, I mean it's her cat's litter box."

"Ah. I see."

Every day after school, Oompa, Wyatt and Vapi came into my room, ripped off my blanket and splashed water in my face. That's when I would get up.

This was most nights:

Me and Wyatt sat in a pile of my old underwear and played Assassin's Creed Syndicate. Well, Wyatt moved my underwear out of the way with his foot, and I sat on an underwear pillow. Vapi knitted, and Oompa read a book called 'Percy Pickledick and The Queen of Queefs'. That's what me and Wyatt called her book, anyways.

Vapi and Wyatt talked about growing plants. Mushrooms, I mean. They both liked mushrooms.

"Yes. Amethyst Deceiver," said Vapi. "Such a vibrant shade of purple."

"Yes! Amethyst Deceiver is awesome! Have you seen it in the wild? I've only ever seen pictures."

Wyatt showed me a picture of Amethyst Deceiver. It looked like this:

To me they look like funny purple dicks. I don't know what Wyatt and Vapi saw. What do you think?

While Oompa layed on my bed and read her book, Vapi asked her a bunch of questions about stuff that I didn't get.

"Do you think that if we exchanged bodies we would retain our defining qualities? The self, I mean. Say you and Snake switched bodies. Would you start to like video games, and would he start to like Percy Jackson? Or does the self exist apart from the body? Or is the idea of the self a falsehood? Are we constantly in flux, never settling into a set of consistent traits?"

"I'm not sure Vapi, good question. Ewww. Snake, there's a moldy sandwich under your pillow."

Vapi's questions didn't bug Oompa. I think it was because Vapi knitted her so many socks.

"Ooh. Vapi they have little kitties on them. And they're green, my favorite color. Thank you."

Oompa kissed Vapi's cheek, and he blushed.

Vapi mostly sat with his legs crossed against my bedroom wall with a big ball of yarn, or a book with a blank cover and some big words on it in his lap. But sometimes he jumped up like he'd just been stabbed in the chest with one of those adrenaline daggers. You know, like the chick in Pulp Fiction who gets hammered on by John Travolta? (Love that movie, btw).

He noticed that it was after seven o'clock one night, and he started shaking and hyperventilating and he said:

"Oh no. No, no. I forgot to make orange juice."

He zipped his backpack open so fast that he ripped off the zipper, and a bunch of oranges fell out and rolled around on the only spot of bare floor in my room. 

"Snake. Please tell me that you have some kind of instrument for extracting juice from these oranges."

"A juice squeezer? There's one in the sink, but it's been in there for like a month."

"That won't do."

Vapi tore the oranges open with his hands and drained them all down his throat. Even his eyelids got wet and sticky. The three of us watched him until after about the fifth orange, when we went back to whatever we were doing before (probably sharing a J).

That was a thing with Vapi. He always had oranges for some reason.

Anyways, even though Vapi liked to knit, and always needed orange juice at seven o'clock, and sometimes put a bell around his neck and followed Mrs. Kitty around my house, we all thought he was cool.

He was like a really great ornament. Just by sitting against my wall he made my room seem like less of a ketchup-stained, underwear carpeted toilet bowl, and more of a fort made out of pillows and blankets and ripped up pajama bottoms. 

Everyone seemed happier than usual. Oompa layed on her stomach with her book held up to her face, rubbing her feet together. Normally she'd be lighting a smoke every fifteen minutes and groaning and coughing, but when Vapi was there she smiled and kept reading. 

Wyatt started humming again and I didn't get pissed off about it. Wyatt hummed and it pissed me off. He stopped doing it so much when we were, I dunno, probably twelve, because I told him that if he hummed the theme song to Avatar: The Last Airbender one more time I'd stop being his friend. Really, he was making us look like bitches.

On Saturday Oompa went to into the city with Aguppi and Wyatt went with his mom to tie himself to a tree. Which meant that I could sleep in past four, which was awesome, except that I didn't get to sleep in past four, because I heard someone knocking on my door at around noon. I tried to sleep through it for about fifteen minutes, until I realized: Shit! What if that's my probation officer? (If you're ever doing a B&E, make sure that the people you're robbing don't have AlarmForce. Their alarms are as good as the jingle makes them sound. Alaaaarm Fooorce. Here's a link: https://www.alarmforce.com/)

So I ran to the door half-naked to see if Mr. Fudgesicle was coming around to make sure that I hadn't left my house to do something other than go to school, or church, or the grocery store, or anywhere else that you won't find concerned mothers. But, like you probably guessed, Mr. Fudgsicle wasn't knocking on my door, Vapi was.

"Snake. I'm sorry to bother you, but I was feeling very lonely. Can I come in?"

"Uh. Vapi ,dude. I need to sleep for like, at least another three hours."

"I promise that I won't disturb you. I can sit and meditate.  I need another body near mine."

"Sure, I guess? Just don't actually come near me with your body."

"I will, of course, respect your boundaries."

I walked back to my room, brushed some crumbs off my blanket and fell back down on my bed. Vapi sat against my wall and started doing 'breathing exercises'. I don't know how you exercise with your breath, but apparently Vapi could.

Listening to Vapi breathe in through his nose and exhale through his mouth, I fell back asleep. But I didn't sleep for very long, because after I fell asleep Vapi started hyperventilating, and his hyperventilating woke me up.

"Man. What are you freaking out about?"

"I'm thinking about solipsism again. I'm sorry, but the idea causes me discomfort."

I rolled over and saw that Vapi had made a nest out of orange peels and was half-way through peeling a fresh one. His eyes were wide and his chest moved up and down rapidly. 

"Can we go for a walk, perhaps? This room, as cozy as it is, is starting to feel claustrophobic. I know that you intended to sleep, but-"

I thought about telling Vapi to go home and peel oranges on his own fucking floor, but honestly, I knew that if he left I would probably feel a little lonely too.

"Fuck, yeah. Fine."

"Thank you."

When Vapi said that he wanted to go for a walk, I thought he meant over to the corner store. But he told me that he needed 'serious cardiovascular velocity', so since I'm a nice guy, and since I hadn't left my house in almost a week, I decided to show him me and Wyatt's favorite hangout spot: an abandoned trailer in the bush that we liked to set on fire and hit with baseball bats.

We walked across town until we hit dirt road. It was fall, so everything smelled like cat shit. You know that smell? I think it's rotting forest berries. I kind of like it.

Muddy yellow leaves got stuck on the bottoms of our shoes, and Vapi kept stopping to try and pick them off. I told him he was wasting his time.

A breeze blew away all the clouds.  The sun came out and I took off my sweater, and then I noticed I forgot to put deodorant on again, and man, what the fuck was that rattling? I heard this rattling in Vapi's pocket every time he lifted up his right leg, like the sound of a little box of M&M's, but I didn't want to ask what it was because I knew it was probably something weird, so I didn't ask.

Vapi asked me a bunch of questions that I didn't have answers to.

"Do you think that cheating on your spouse is an immoral act?"

"No idea. Never been married."

"Do you think evil exists? Or are all people capable of doing good or bad things, depending on their circumstances?"

"Hitler was pretty evil."

"Do you know what Lutefisk tastes like?"

"Don't even know what it is."

"Snake. What do you think about?"


"I mean, what thoughts pass through your waking mind?"

"Waking mind?"

"Your head."

Thinking about what I think about, made me think.

"I... I'm not sure Vapi. I guess I think about normal stuff? Like, today I thought about what I wanted for breakfast, until I forgot to make myself breakfast because I fell back asleep, and now I'm thinking that I'm kind of hungry since I didn't have breakfast. Honestly." I stopped. "Honestly, I have a hard time thinking. Well, I have a hard time thinking about one thing at a time."

Vapi took his eyes off the rock he was tossing back and forth, and turned them to my face. "Hmm. You're like me. My thoughts too, tend to drift. Focus is an art that I'm still learning."

We made it to a small fork shaped tree-- the guidepost for me and Wyatt's secret spot (It wasn't a secret. We took pretty much everyone there). In eight years the fork tree hadn't grown past my neck. At least, I don't think it grew. Maybe I just didn't notice. Wait, I guess it must have grown, because I grew. So forget that. Still, you'd think it would have grown more, so it sucked at being a tree.

Wet, dying leaves brushed up against my face, and my t-shirt, and my jeans as I walked into the bush. Vapi carefully pulled branches away from his face. I didn't.

We walked for about five minutes until we made it to a clearing with an old, dented, spray-painted, burnt, window-smashed trailer sitting in the middle. Probably my favorite place.

Here are the different names me and Wyatt gave the shag shack.

-Ant Kingdom

-Planet Xylophone

-The trailer (we smash)

-The spot (where we get high)

-The shag shack

"Why do you call it the shag shack?" asked Vapi.

"Because Wyatt had sex in it," I replied. Honestly though, we started calling it the shag shack before Wyatt banged a chick in it, back when we started planning to bang chicks in it. Our plans were pretty weak though, because who wants to worry about getting cut by glass, or getting a sliver, or falling through a hole, or getting covered in ash when they're having sex, especially when they could just come have sex at my place (if my sister wasn't home)? Only one chick, apparently: Alyssa. I wonder what happened to her. She was a nice person.

"How did it get here when, by my observation, there's no obvious entry point?"

I shrugged. Me and Wyatt wondered the same thing. "It's a mystery, man."

"Interesting. How did you find this place?"

"We were looking for ant hills."


"Well, we had a bottle of hairspray and a lighter, and we were pretending to be dragons. So we wanted to find anthills to step in, and ants to set on fire."

"That's cruel."

"That's what Wyatt said too, so we stopped doing it. Then we started  coming  here to hang out and well... bust this trailer up and get stoned. Now we don't even bust it up anymore. I guess there isn't much left to break. We mainly just come here when we're bored and want to shoot paint balls at bottles."

"Paint balls?"

"Yeah. Vapi, you don't know what paint balls are?"

"The name seems self- explanatory, but so do many names that are misleading. "

I snorted and spit on a tree branch. "I'll show you."

On my way into the trailer I jumped over the gap where a wooden step should have been. I didn't tell Vapi about the missing step, so he almost tripped because he didn't look down very often.

Inside, the trailer smelled like it had since me and Wyatt set it on fire: burnt wood, burnt plastic and mold. Well, it always smelled like mold. I took a deep breath.

Vapi pushed a bunch of empty beer bottles out of the way with his foot, probably because he figured out that he should look down if he didn't want to trip.

"This structure. It seems unsafe."

"Don't worry about it man. Just watch out for the holes in the floor."

I walked into the bathroom, or what used to be a bathroom until we baseball-batted the toilet, and moved a floorboard away from the hole in the wall where me and Wyatt hid our paintball guns. I reached my hand inside the hole and felt the corner of a half-empty bag of paint balls and the hopper of a gun.

"Is this going to be violent? Violence is something that I try to avoid," said Vapi when he saw the gun.

"Calm your shit. I probably won't shoot you. Probably." Vapi took a step back and started breathing fast.

"Snake, I thought we were building a friendship."

I inched closer to him. "You did, did you?"

"Yes! You're creating a situation where I may be forced to defend myself."

I smiled at him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Dude. It's not a real gun, and I'm not gonna shoot you with it. Relax."

Vapi sighed and I felt his shoulder drop. "I'm very relieved."

"Why would I wanna waste a good--Jesus fucking Christ! Holy fuck! My fucking foot!" I felt a sharp pain in my left foot, and I thought about two things that I would have done differently if I could have gone back in time:

1) I wouldn't have smashed that fucking toilet. But, realistically, I probably would have smashed that toilet, so I would have made sure that I swept away the porcelain shards, or at least kicked them against the wall.

2) I would have stolen new shoes sooner.

Vapi's eyes widened. "Snake, what's wrong?"

"I stabbed my fucking foot on some glass."

I lifted my foot up and almost lost my balance, but Vapi put an arm around me before I could fall. "Let's find an empty patch of ground. I'll remove the glass for you."

I would have told him that I wasn't a pussy and that I could do it myself, but blood freaked me out, especially my blood, and I could feel my blood making my sock wet and sticky.

Balancing myself on Vapi, I hobbled outside of the trailer and sat down in the grass. After he sat me down, Vapi ran back inside.

"Where are you going?"

"One moment."

I felt the pain in my foot crawl up my leg. Blood leaked out from a hole in the bottom of my shoe and little blood puddles stained the long brown grass. I looked at a tree and thought about peanut butter. I don't know why.

"Vapi! Hurry up!"

"I'm almost finished!"

A few minutes passed and I stopped thinking about peanut butter and started thinking about bleeding to death. 


Vapi jumped out of the trailer, probably so he didn't have to look down. I didn't know what he did in there, because he came out empty handed. He ran over to me, got on his knees and took off my shoe. When he took off my sock it made a sound like a banana being peeled, except gross and not like a banana being peeled, because I knew the sound was my bloody sock coming unglued from my foot. I felt the glass move, and then felt air being sucked in through my clenched teeth.

"I'm going to count down from three now, Snake. Three..."

"No, stop."



Before he got to one I saw a bloody piece of toilet bowl in his hand. Then he cupped his hand around my foot and the pain washed out of me, starting at my toes and stopping under my knee.

"The bleeding has stopped," said Vapi.

The first thing I thought when Vapi said that was: ' I'm fucking tough'. The next thing I thought was: 'How is that possible when that chunk of porcelain was so huge?'. I didn't think about getting an infection and having to get my leg amputated, because I didn't.

"How?" I asked.

"I have healing abilities."

I laughed then, but about five hours later I learned that Vapi totally did have healing abilities. About three hours later, I learned that he couldn't lie. He could only tell 'untruths'. The difference between 'lying' and 'untruth' is something that I think I figured out just now.

Vapi dropped the porcelain shard on the ground and then looked me in the eyes. He squinted, tilted his head and gave me a look like he just realized something.

"Snake. I just realized something."

"What's that?"

"You're handsome."

No one was around, so I said, "Uh. Thanks buddy."

"I don't know if you're conventionally handsome, or if you're handsome to me. You're short for a male your age, and the way your eyes are shaped. They make you look sleepy, or maybe a bit slow."

I thought: 'Well fuck you too Vapi.' So I said, "I'm not short, I'm average you asshat."

"Sorry," Vapi replied, trying to take it back. "I didn't mean to offend. You have other traditionally handsome attributes. Your hair, for instance. And your smile."

"Whatever, enough with the gay shit."

Because I was a badass (and I didn't know that Vapi had healing abilities) I stood up and put my shoe back on. Without even limping , I started collecting beer bottles to put on the tree stumps that me and Wyatt had set up for target practice.

"Are you sure you don't want to go home to wash the blood from your foot?" Vapi asked.

"No. I'm fine."

After I got all of the bottles lined up I filled the hopper, stood back, fired the gun and missed. And missed again. I'm not sure if I hit a single bottle that day.

"May I try?"

"Sure. In a bit." I wanted to be as much of a dick as I could, because I was 5'8, and 5'8, my sister told me, was a normal height for a guy my age, and guys kept growing until they were at least twenty, so I still had three years. I didn't care so much about the sleepy looking thing. I probably looked sleepy because I was stoned most of the time.

Vapi sat down on some grass and whipped out an orange and a ball of yarn. He started working on a pair of socks-- yellow ones with little palm trees on them. Every time he shifted I heard that rattle, and since I was pissed off, I asked him:

"What is that fucking rattle in your pocket man? What is it?"

"Oh," Vapi reached into his pocket and pulled out a pill bottle. " Dexedrine pills. I keep the bottle in my pocket because I feel it makes a very charming noise when I walk."

"What's Dexedrine?"

"It's an amphetamine used typically for the treatment of attention deficit disorders. I've only taken it once. I found the effect overstimulating. I'm not sure my diagnosis was a correct one."

I dropped paintball gun on the ground, walked over to Vapi and snatched the bottle out of his hand.

"Vapi. Dude, let's get fucked up."

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