V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)

Snake is a seventeen year old boy with too much time to waste, too many drugs to do, too many game consoles to steal, and too much porn to watch (on Porntube, his favorite site). V.A.P.I is a human alien hybrid, created in a lab by a mad scientist who loves Deepak Chopra and cat videos. Snake and V.A.P.I fall in love, have anal sex, do drugs (not in that order, but you get the idea) and learn the meaning of meaninglessness.


5. L Dopa, Fix me

"I suggest you take only one of these pills, Snake. The amount of their active ingredient is, well, quite high, even in one capsule."

I took a sweaty palm-full five.

Getting high on prescription pills is hard, because guys in lab coats like to make them 'time-released' so you can't get high, because you can't even really leave your house anymore without having someone who wakes up before seven AM try to suck the fun out of your brain. Anyways, just to make sure that I got high, I opened one of Vapi's capsules, spilled out all of the little orange balls, crushed them with my school I.D and snorted them. A sliver got vacuumed up my nose, because I crushed up the capsule on an old log. Ouch.

Have you ever been high on speed? The first few hours are great. A nice little campfire warms up your brain tubes. (Neurons, I guess they're called). Your chest, and your legs, and your hands, and your feet get these cool little shocks of warmth.

And the way you think about stuff changes too. When I took Vapi's Dexedrine pills that day, I thought: 'Hey, maybe I can graduate. Maybe I can even be a doctor or a lawyer, or even better, make video games for a living. Actually, I will make video games for a living. I'll make the best fucking video games around. And I'll make a ton of money, and I'll be able to buy myself speed every day. Or coke. Coke seems classier, but it does pretty much the same thing.'

Actually, I didn't think that. I said it out loud while me and Vapi were on our way to the corner store by my house. I decided that we had to steal some popsicles.

"Theft. Hmm. I've never tried theft before. It seems wrong."

"Vapi, you'll love it."

The guy who ran the corner store, Mr. Six Second Energy, was one of my favorite people, because he'd been going through a divorce for the past two years, which meant that he hung out in the bathroom and cried a lot, which meant that it was easy for me to steal stuff from his store. I said all of that out loud too.

"Oh. It sounds like Mr. Six Second Energy may be lonely. Should we invite him to the shag shack?"


I listened to Mr. Six Second Energy cry in the bathroom while Vapi tried to decide on a popsicle. Deciding on a popsicle was easy for me, because I always got purple. Vapi picked up every single popsicle in the freezer, eyed it, put it back down, then moved on to the ice cream. For Vapi, popsicles were a difficult choice.

"I'm sorry, but this is a difficult choice. I hope we aren't at risk of getting caught?"

"Probably not. He'll be in there for a while. He was just on the phone with his kids."

He always called his kids at two o'clock, and his kids always said the same thing:

"Mom says that she need her car back."

After about ten minutes, Vapi picked green. Good choice, I think. Second to purple.

When we left Mr. Six Second Energy's convenience store, I started peaking. Butterflies in my stomach, feet sweating, palms sweating. My dick shriveled up (saw it when I took a piss). I focused on how nice it felt to breathe.

The next thing I decided to steal was Kevin Peeler's Xbox One. I'm definitely more of a PlayStation guy, but I wanted to try Forza 6.

I knew that it was a good day to steal Kevin Peeler's Xbone, because Kevin Peeler had phimosis.

If you look up phimosis on google, google says phimosis is: 'A congenital narrowing of the opening of the foreskin so that it cannot be retracted'. I guess it meant that he couldn't beat off or something, so they had to slice off his foreskin. Anyways, Noemi told everyone that Kevin was getting his dick snipped on the weekend, which meant that his house would be empty while he was getting his surgery, which meant that Saturday was a great day to steal his Xbox. Vapi had mixed feelings:

"Snake. I feel that this is both an invasion of privacy, and unfair to Kevin. I'm sure he had to work very hard to afford his Xbox one."

"If he didn't want us to steal his shit, he wouldn't leave his basement window open all the time. Plus, his mom is rich and I'm sure she can buy him a new one."

Sometimes Kevin would sneak me and Wyatt into his house at night to smoke him up. That's how I knew his window was always open.

"Yes, but-"

"I only wanna play Forza six. If his mom doesn't buy him a new one I'll take it back when I'm done."

"Still. I feel uncomfortable."

"Why don't you take a couple of those pills. Or here, have a smoke." I offered Vapi one of my last cigarettes. (I was being generous). "It always makes me feel better."

"I'm alright, thank you." Vapi sighed. "I suppose breaking and entering is a fresh experience, one that I've yet to be acquainted with. For the sake of consciousness development, I'll give it a go."

"Exactly." I was glad Vapi agreed. It was nice to have him around, and plus, I needed him to keep an eye out while I snuck into Kevin's house.

We made our way up to Decadent Hill-- the place where Kevin lived.

We passed an elementary school. Some toddlers were tied together by a rope, being led by their teacher like a bunch of sad dogs. They smelled like Downy fabric sheets. The teacher looked at my foot and then asked the kids to walk closer to the chain link fence. I looked down. My sock looked like a dirty ball of bloody Kleenex and twigs. 

Should have worn jeans instead of shorts.

I dual-wielded: a cigarette in one hand, and a popsicle in the other. All five of the shitty rolly smokes that Oompa and Wyatt gave me made their cancer trail straight down my throat and into my lungs. The cigarettes went faster than the popsicle. When I finished the last one, a glob of melting purple slid down the popsicle stick and froze my thumb.

Vapi couldn't figure out popsicles. I started to think he might just be one of those retarted guys who said a lot of big words, or who sounded like they had british accents when they weren't british, but were still retarted. Every time his teeth touched the popsicle, his head shot back and he covered his mouth with his hand. 

"Dude. You either lick the popsicle, or you suck on it, or cover your teeth with your lips when you bite it, or wait for it to melt a bit before you bite it."

"Oh. I see."

After all my smokes and my popsicle were gone, I was pissed off because I didn't have anything to suck on. I needed something to focus on so I picked Vapi.

"Can I ask you some questions? I have some stuff that I've been wanting to know."

"Of course."

"Vapi... why are you so fucking weird, man?"

He looked up at the sky and went 'hmmm'. "That's a vague question, Snake. Can you be more specific?"

I didn't have to think hard for specifics. "Like... why do you dress so messed up? Right now, what are you wearing? Is it a robe? Is it a dress?"

"It's a Benedictine habit."

"What is that, even?"

"The Benedictines are a religious order. Monks. Largely Roman Catholic ones, who observe The Rule of Saint Benedictine. This is their garb, or a facsimile, at least. I made it myself."

"Okay. But why are you wearing it?"

"I thought that it might help deepen my understanding of the divine. So far, no luck."

"Well why do you wear girl's clothes? Do you wanna lick the tip or what?"

"Lick the tip?"

"Suck cock."

"Oh. Although I imagine I'd be keen on it, I haven't yet tried oral sex. The girl's clothes, I wear because I want to know what it feels like to wear them. I'm not sure if they make me like a woman or not, if they give me the essence of womanhood. I don't think they do, but I want to experience, as close as is possible, the feeling of being a woman."

"See, that's messed up."


"Because you're a guy."

"Well Snake, self-reflection has taught me that while the body is slow to change, often locked into one condition, the mind can exist in any condition it chooses. And there are so many conditions to experience. If I didn't try, at least, to experience womanhood, I'd be intentionally occluding an artery of my mind, limiting my potential to understand. I'd be only half a person."

When Vapi said that and I got a feeling like somewhere in my mind an old instruction manual had been dusted off, and I could finally see where the things Vapi said and did fit together. What he said made sense, all of a sudden. Maybe because I was on speed.

"So, um. Why do you say whatever pops into your head? I know I'm pretty bad at keeping my mouth shut too, but honestly, you're worse."

"Oh..." Vapi stopped. He looked down, which was weird because honestly, the guy never fucking looked down. I still don't know why, and it drives me nuts. "I do think before I speak, but right now, I'm in a position where I'm unable to lie. Untruths, I can tell. Lies, I can't tell without imperiling myself."

I laughed because I thought he was joking. "Why can't you lie?"

"I can't tell you more without putting you at risk, and I'm sorry. Once you know who They are, They will appear, and you won't be able to rid yourself of Them."

"Who are They?"

"Please, I've already said too much. Don't ask me again."

He plucked an orange out of his backpack, tore off the peel like he was trying to save the fruit inside from suffocating, and squeezed the juice down his throat. At this point, I figured that the orange thing was probably a nervous tick (It wasn't. I still have no idea why he liked oranges so much.) so I didn't ask him any more questions about Them. I also thought he was even crazier than the doctor who tried to cure my appendicitis with some amethysts (more on that asshole later) but I didn't care because I needed him to keep watch for Kevin, and at least he was friendly crazy . Plus, I was starting to feel super high and I needed someone to talk to. I patted him on the back and gave him a smile.

We made it to the entrance to Decadent Hill: a useless brick gate. I think they put it there because they thought it would work like a force field to keep people like me from breaking into big houses with lots of windows. But they were stupid, because I just walked around their dumb fucking gate, and I'd broken into at least three houses on Decadent Hill in the past three months. Only scored a few bottles of Jack Daniels, my PS4 and like two hundred bucks. Oh, and my probation officer. Scored him too.

I walked around the gate like a boss and headed up the hill to Kevin's house. Drops of Vapi's melting popsicle fell onto the sidewalk and made a trail behind us. I told him to toss the stick because the concerned elderly liked to look for clues. Gotta be stealthy. 

"I don't get why rich people live in houses that all look the same. If I was rich I'd probably build a big underground bunker or something. With a hot tub," I said.

"That sounds oppressive. You'd like living without sunlight?" Vapi replied.

"Honestly, wouldn't bug me."

When we got to Kevin's house I looked around to make sure the elderly weren't watching us from behind their flower-patterned curtains. I peeked into his garage. His car was there, but his mom's wasn't.

A guy walked by with his dog, so I went up to Kevin's front door and rang the bell. Looked like I was just coming over for a visit. Conspicuous. Or is it inconspicuous? I can never remember.

After the guy (and his dog) made it to the end of the block, I walked over to the gate to Kevin's back-yard, stood on my toes and unlatched the lock. Then I pushed the gate open, stepped inside and motioned for Vapi to follow me. Unlike my backyard, that only had an old mattress and a rusted barbecue, and a bunch of weeds in it, Kevin's backyard was shaved, and his sister's dollhouse sat  on the grass like a temple for tea parties, all ninety degree angles and shining pink plastic. Oh, and the fucker had a hot tub. A big one. Almost the size of a pool.

A big grunt went off like a bomb next to my ear. ARRRGGHHH! I jumped, grabbed Vapi's arm and ran behind a tool shed. AAAARRRRR!! 

My back against the tool shed, I peeked around the corner.  I saw an old dude in a safari hat jacking off from between the cracks in Kevin's white picket fence. Well, I thought he was jacking off, until his lawnmower started.   Damn. Neighbors. Good thing that the tool shed gave us  cover. 

"Snake, this is getting more and more risky. Really, it's the middle of the day. On a Saturday! People are home!"

"Relax, I got this, alright. Look, he can't even see us  from behind this shed. We're perfect."

I crawled into the rock filled window well-- my open door to Kevin's house. The window slid open no problem. The sweat on my palms made a wet streak on the glass. I went in feet-first, and my shirt caught on edge of the windowsill. I dangled for a second before my shirt ripped and my feet landed on the floor. Vapi poked his head into the room and he started trying to climb down, but I stopped him. 

"Dude, no. Just stay outside and keep lookout," I whispered loudly.

"Keep a lookout where?"

"Just go over to the fence and make sure you tell me if you see anyone coming into the house."

"How will I tell you if someone comes?"

"Text me, hold on here's my-"

"I don't have a cellphone."

"Really? Who doesn't have a cellphone?"


"Okay. I'm just going upstairs to the living room. I'll be out in like five seconds. Tap on the patio door if you see someone coming... or if I get distracted."

"What if someone sees me? Like the lawnmower man?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but people don't really notice you. Which is kind of surprising considering how you dress. Why is that, anyways?"

"Oh. My non-human pheromones work like a cloaking device. Actually, funny story, I was once mistaken for a car. Although, it seems that my natural cloaking ability is wearing off as I reach my sexual apex."

"God you're fucking strange."

All I had to do was sneak through Kevin's room, head upstairs, make sure I didn't trip over his Siamese cat,  unplug the Xbox from his living room T.V and walk out with my prize. But now that I think about it, my plan was dumb. See, as soon as I fell into Kevin's room, I wanted to snoop around in there. You'd think that taking speed would make me focused on the task at hand: stealing Kevin's Xbone and getting out of his house. But instead, I started obsessing about all of his shit. Anyways, if I'd had Vapi in there, I probably could have gotten out way faster. Unless he got distracted too, which was actually pretty likely. 

Here's some of the shit I found in Kevin's room:

- A poem he'd written called 'Emptiness' that went like this:

Emptiness, by Kevin Peeler

Darkness swirls around me

A deep void, so deep


Darkness swells inside me

Bleep Bleep


When the snake doth cry,

And the amalgam doth lie,

Descend, the Grey Agents


That last stanza, my friend Mike said, was 'foreshadowing'. Now that I think about it, it was kind of on the nose. 

-A pair of dirty underwear hanging like a red tongue out of his laundry basket. Normally I don't do sketchy stuff like sniff other guys' old underwear, but man, I was high. So I sniffed them. And I didn't even think: 'Hey, that's a pretty gay/creepy thing to do.' They smelled like ball sweat.

-A purity ring. (He went through a phase).

-A painting that he'd made of a monkey covering itself in lotion. (Also foreshadowing. Almost positive Kevin was psychic).

-A really cool red hat. (That I stole).

-This thing:

(That I also stole).

I was pouring out the insides of Kevin's top dresser drawer when Vapi poked his head back in the window.

"Snake... Snake... Snake!"


"I'm concerned. You're taking a long time. And I made eye contact with the lawnmower man."


"Well, then he went back to mowing his lawn."

"Okay... Right, you're right. I need to move.  Yo, you think I could score another one of those pills? "

"You seem very intoxicated already. We should leave as fast as we can."

"Okay. Yeah, you're right."

I started putting Kevin's t-shirts back in his top drawer, but it really bugged me that they weren't organized by color. So I took them all out again, folded them  (folding is easy on drugs) then lined them up left to right like this:


He wore a lot of red, so I had to make two rows for his red shirts.

The stuff that didn't fit the color scheme I was going for, I just tucked underneath. Then, since I was set on the whole color thing, I took all of his comic books off his bookshelf and rearranged them so they made a rainbow. I thought that he'd have a nice surprise when he got home. Maybe his dick would heal faster, you know? I was about to start organizing his action figures, when I heard Vapi at the window again.

"Snake! Will you please hurry? The lawnmower man... he's drinking lemonade on his porch. And I think he's watching me. There's something unsettling about his gaze."

I put down Kevin's little plastic Thor. "Oh, yeah. Okay Vapi, I'm on it!"

Only took Vapi three tries to get me out of there. I left Kevin's room and wandered upstairs.

The upstairs of Kevin's house was all new to me, because Kevin never let me and Wyatt go upstairs, because he had to hide us from his mom. Honestly, if Kevin's mom would have just let us come upstairs to play video games, I probably wouldn't have had to steal Kevin's Xbox in the first place.  Anyways, when I saw upstairs, I thought: 'Fuck you Kevin. I can't believe you still haven't paid me back for that weed'. 


A whole wall that was a giant fish tank. Every kind of tropical fish, ever. Marble staircase. Sun windows. Man, the whole ceiling was pretty much a big window.

I heard a knock at the patio door, turned my head and saw Vapi waving at me. Almost tripping over a Siamese cat, I stepped down a set of green-tiled stairs that ended in Kevin's living room. I pulled open the patio door and came face to face with Vapi. 

" I'm almost done. Just go keep an eye out. Look, I found this sweet hat."

Vapi was about to say something, but I slid the door shut.

Unplugging Kevin's Xbox, I'd never felt so graceful. My hands moved like they were defusing a bomb, pulling apart the cables just in time, and not fucking it up. They knew exactly what to do, my hands. I had so much power. So much precision. I felt like the real Solid Snake. 

Finally, Kevin's Xbox came loose from its bindings and snuggled itself into my chest. I hugged it, I mean.

I was about to leave when I looked up the stairs and through an open door, and I saw it: a toilet. But it was the weirdest toilet ever, because it wasn't in a bathroom. It was at the end of a bed.

At first I thought: 'No way, who would put a toilet at the end of their bed?', but then I thought: 'Well, if you have a fish tank wall, and a glass ceiling, why not put a toilet at the end of your bed?'. I had to know more.

I knew right away that it was Kevin's mom's room, because when I stepped inside I saw a bunch of books on a bedside table with names like 'The Power of Now', and 'Opening Your Sixth Vulva to Cosmic Energy'.

I put my new Xbox down on the bed, bent over and wiped my fingers across the toilet seat. I get it, it's a weird thing to do, but I had to make sure it was real. Seeing a toilet outside of its natural habitat really makes you wonder if we've set up the world the right way-- if our lives mean something.  I decided that I had to piss in it. I didn't actually have to piss, but man, I knew it would be my only chance to piss in a toilet at the foot of a bed, so I forced myself to.

I unzipped my fly, whipped it out, and dangled there for a couple minutes, pushing. Finally, I started to piss. Usually I splashed all over the toilet seat, but that day my aim was perfect: a laser beam shooting out of my cock and diving into the toilet water. I pissed like jewel thief would piss, or like a forum moderator would piss, precisely, paying attention to the small details, snaking through red lasers, or ending conversations that went off topic, but with my dick. Precision.

I was giving myself a shake when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I gasped. Really, I gasped. It was only Vapi.

"Dude, you scared me," I said, zipping up my pants. Vapi's eyes were wide.

"Snake, someone is-"

Before Vapi could finish his sentence, I heard a door open somewhere in the house, and then I heard Kevin's mom say a normal thing way too loudly (for some reason):

"Melissa, can you help grab the groceries out of the back?!"

My heart jumped into my throat. Really, I almost choked. Again, might have just been the drugs. Anyways, I went from feeling ace, to feeling like I was going to pass out, and you know how much I hated passing out. Oh, and plus, it would have been a really bad time to pass out, since I was breaking into someones house.

"Oh fuck... Fuck, fuck. Vapi, dude... um, shit.. I.. uh. I don't know what the fuck to do. Help."

Vapi tiptoed to the door and peeked around the corner, then tiptoed back to me, grabbed me by the arm and whispered, "Get in the closet".

You'd think that someone with a fish tank wall, and a glass ceiling, and a toilet at the foot of their bed would have a huge closet, but Kevin's mom's closet was small and full of more dresses and pant-suits than she could fit in it.

Me and Vapi dug through pinstripe skirts until we hit wall. Then we put our backs against the wall and huddled next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. 

(A/N: This chapter was getting too long, so I had to cut about the last quarter of it, hence the 'okay... and then?' ending. <3 <3 <3)

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