V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)

Snake is a seventeen year old boy with too much time to waste, too many drugs to do, too many game consoles to steal, and too much porn to watch (on Porntube, his favorite site). V.A.P.I is a human alien hybrid, created in a lab by a mad scientist who loves Deepak Chopra and cat videos. Snake and V.A.P.I fall in love, have anal sex, do drugs (not in that order, but you get the idea) and learn the meaning of meaninglessness.


11. Dr. Danika

How can I describe Dr. Danika? Here's how:

Dr. Danika looked like an old, homeless crack head in almost every way that a guy can look like an old, homeless crack head:

-Scraggly, kinda yellow beard

-dry, pasty, papery skin

- missing front tooth

-almost bald head with long white strands of hair that looked like they'd been glued to his scalp.

- stained, yellow kimono

Except, when you make eye contact with old homeless crack heads, you get the feeling that they really regret the past twenty years. That a bit of whatever makes them happy has been scorched off.

Dr. Danika didn't have sad eyes. He had the eyes of a toddler. He looked at you like your face was  the first one face he'd ever seen-- like he was trying to figure out how your pupils and your lips worked. And honestly, I think that somewhere underneath his skin, inside his skull, there was a toddler. A baby playing with a dead mouse,curious about its insides, with no idea that tearing it open might make him sick.

Anyways, the first time I saw him I practically almost shit myself.

He pressed his palms against the glass divider, flared his nostrils and stared at me. I stared back. That's what we did for about two minutes. Stared at each other. Until he said, "Age?"

His voice was calm. Kinda nasally, but calm. "Me? ... Uh, seventeen."

He picked up a clipboard off a table, then asked, "Astrological sign?"

"Like... horoscope?"


"Sorry, I can't remember. Sorry."

"Birth date, then."

"April twelfth. "

He scribbled on his clipboard. I wanted to say, 'Hey let me go you cracked out kimono wearing bitch!', but every time he turned his eyes to me my throat  plugged.

"Hobbies and interests?"

"Um... snowboarding, PlayStation... I read all of To Kill a Mockingbird last year for English class...  what is this, why... why are you asking me this?"

He sniffed, then put the eraser of his pencil against his chin. "If all goes well, if you are free of mental contamination, then I plan on releasing you and keeping you as far away from my V.A.P.I as possible. Because I am a very kind man, I've decided to create an online dating profile for you. Perhaps  you will find a more suitable partner out there in cyberspace. Perhaps we can seal the fizzing petri dish that is your brain. Perhaps--"

I stopped him. "If this is just about Vapi, honestly, fuck that guy. Really, let me go home and I'll forget that he even exists, just like before. It'll be just like before."

Dr. Danika laughed. "Ah. If only it were  that simple. My sweet introspective androgyne, my celestial nymph, my playful V.A.P.I-- it is far too enamored with you. I'm not sure what it sees, frankly. I suppose you have a certain, simian, charm. A robust roundness of the shoulders, a bit of juvenile swagger, a disinterested disposition. Although, you are a bit short for a male your age.  "

"Got body odor too," Calvin said. I have no clue how Calvin could smell me if he had no nose, but hey, I was stuck in an underground laboratory without a shower for a week. You would smell bad too. And I'm 5'8! Average!

"Yes, there's that," Dr. Danika continued. "Of greater concern, though, is your mind. It seems  a vast, empty expanse, punctuated by video clips of pornography, bags of Doritos corn chips and chunks of video game trivia. I found a short dossier on your mother in there, and some floating concerns about your masculinity as well, but overall, you are so... vapid."

"What do you mean?" I asked. Hey, I know I'm not the smartest, nicest, most well-dressed, most organized guy around. My friend Mike tells me that I need to 'take in a bit more culture', like if I sat down and stared at statues of Greek guys with tiny dicks I'd really have my shit in order. Honestly though: fuck Mike. I can't be that empty. I'm writing this fucking book! You try writing a book, Mike. One that isn't about 'a deep journey into the self'. No one even knows what that means.

Anyways, I thought Dr. Danika was wrong, (I have a lot of stuff in my head!), but he knew a lot about my interests (porn and games), so I was kind of worried that he had been reading my mind, so I asked him, "Have you been in my head?"

His nose wrinkled. "Well, not literally inside it, no. Just some thought scans and a few dips into your subconscious mind. Several of your fantasies gave Calvin a good chuckle."

"Running a bakery," Calvin said. "Little fag's got some big dreams."

I wanted to pull my insides out of my bellybutton  and scrub them with a toothbrush. 

  My grandma let me help her bake all the time when I was a kid. (Before I burnt her house down.) I still remember her bent, arthritis fingers, digging into dough. For some reason baking got me really stoked, so I wanted to be a baker. And I hadn't told anyone that.  

So the crazy fucker had been in my head.  He'd been in there recording my fantasies on his little notepad, measuring my insecurities with a ruler and laughing at them with Calvin over, I dunno, a bowl of popcorn. 

"You can't do that!" I said. "You can't go inside people's heads like that!"

"It was for your own good. I had to check for signs of contamination."

"Contamination from what? What is Vapi? How could he make me sick?"

Dr. Danika chewed on the eraser of his pencil and paced back and forth. "V.A.P.I is a mischievous creature. Oh, I do care for the thing, but I'm not naive. You shouldn't be either. It is most certainly not from this world, or even this dimension, perhaps. Its motivations are  not the motivations of a human. And they are not necessarily benign... It may have plans for you."

"What do you mean? The guy can't even lie."

"Careful. Can a bird lie? A cat? A dog? Would you recognize a lie if it came to you from god?"

I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, so I didn't answer him. 

"All of the tests results have returned negative thus far. Tomorrow we will administer the final test. Calvin, play some Ravi Shankar to soothe our friend here. I need to meditate with some opium."

Dr. Danika tied his kimono closed, gave me one last look, then turned and walked up a flight of stairs. When he opened the door at the top of the stairs his shoes lit up in the sunlight. Then the door slammed shut, and I was in the dark again. 

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