V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)

Snake is a seventeen year old boy with too much time to waste, too many drugs to do, too many game consoles to steal, and too much porn to watch (on Porntube, his favorite site). V.A.P.I is a human alien hybrid, created in a lab by a mad scientist who loves Deepak Chopra and cat videos. Snake and V.A.P.I fall in love, have anal sex, do drugs (not in that order, but you get the idea) and learn the meaning of meaninglessness.


6. Closeted

I guess the normal stuff that makes people nervous (like hiding in closets so you don't get caught breaking and entering), didn't make Vapi nervous. Just weird shit like solipsism and running out of oranges. When I started hyperventilating, and my legs buckled, and I dropped Kevin's Xbox, Vapi covered my mouth with his hand, and whispered in my ear, "Observant people often see solutions to their problems".

 I didn't see any solutions to my problem though. I saw that Kevin's mom could fit more clothes in her closet if she installed some drawers. I saw a half empty pack of forgotten gum, lost in the bottom of a coat pocket.  I saw seconds speeding past me like a moving train. Eventually the caboose would show up, and on the other side of the tracks was Kevin with his missing Xbox and his really well organized bookshelf.  (I actually saw this. Panic attacks make me hallucinate sometimes).

I took a long, slow breath. Vapi's hand smelled like orange peels, and the smell made my heart beat a little slower. 

 I felt something damp on my thigh, and wondered if it was my sweat, or if I'd pissed myself a little. 

With his free hand, Vapi parted the fur coat and the leather jacket that were hanging in front of us, so we could see through the slits in Kevin's mom's closet door. Kevin's Siamese cat wandered into the room, jumped on the bed, and started licking his paws. From the living room, I heard Kevin's mom shout (she shouted lots), "Melissa! Put the groceries away! Kevin and mommy need to rest!" 

I started trembling again.  Cotton balls in my lungs. Little black dots, rimmed yellow, like cigarette burns in my vision. Kevin's mom's closet was a furry, pinstriped, pant suited, sauna of anxiety, suffocating me with incense and perfume.  I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was somewhere else,  but I just saw my probation officer's face-- his double chin and his clipboard. He wasn't all that scary. He had a lisp. But what he could do was scary. Jail. Big guys with tattoos and the kind of anal sex that I didn't want. 

Vapi moved his hand from my mouth, down to the zipper on my shorts. I felt it slide under my shirt, touch my skin, then move up to my bellybutton. He spread his fingers out, and pushed against my stomach, gently.

"Shhhh," he whispered again, his mouth right up against my ear. He didn't whisper like he was trying to tell me to shut up, more like he just wanted me to chill the fuck out. Like my mom would 'shhh' me, except not wasted.

The little black spots disappeared. I could breathe again.  The warmth from Vapi's hand traveled  up from my stomach, into my chest, down my arms, up to my head, into my crotch. And I noticed that I was sweating. Even more than usual. I noticed because sweat from my forehead started dripping into my eyes, and I thought the whole thing with eyebrows was that they were supposed to stop that from happening, but I guess mine didn't. I focused on how nice Vapi's hand felt. 

"I can do this. I mean, we-" I was about to say 'we can do this', but I stopped. I heard Kevin's mom outside of the room.

"Why don't you lay down on my bed, baby boy." The cat's ears perked up.

I couldn't see Kevin drooling, but I could hear him drooling. "I feel sick." Slurp. Slurp.

"It's the painkillers. The doctor said they might make you queasy."

"Oh yeah," said Kevin, in that floaty kind of voice you get when nice doctors hook you up with the real shit. When this was over, I wondered if Kevin would score me some painkillers.

From the slits in the closet door, I saw Kevin and his mom step into the room. Kevin had a red track suit on, and he walked bow-legged, and his mom, her arm slung over Kevin's shoulders, guided Kevin to the bed. He sat down on the bed, slowly. Then his mom lifted his legs up, and he curled into the fetal position, and made a happy, stoned sigh. The cat jumped off of the bed and started boxing with Kevin's mom's long, white dress.  Kevin snored.

I thought: 'Why did you wear a wedding dress to your son's dick surgery?'. My mom would have worn sweatpants. And I also thought: 'Why is Kevin sleeping in your bed?'. My mom usually told me to stay the fuck out of her room. 

"Uckie!" said Kevin's mom. "It smells like orange peels and armpits in here!" I tensed up. Vapi pressed his hand against my stomach harder. His breath tickled me, right behind my ear. 

Kevin's mom opened a window, lit some incense and then shouted, "Melissa!"

I heard fast little footsteps thump against tile, and then thump against carpet, and then Melissa, the wings of her pink fairy costume waving behind her, jumped into the room.

"What mommy?"  I couldn't see that her front teeth were missing, but I could hear that her front teeth were missing.

"Did you take a bath today?" asked Kevin's mom.


"Are you lying?"


"Melissa, how many times have we talked about your body odor?"

Melissa's eyes wrinkled up and she made that sound that little kids do when they're about to cry. You know, it starts in their chests, almost like a grunt, kind of low, and then goes up a few pitches, until it's a smoke detector. "I don't know mommy, I don't know! I don't know about the bath! I don't like the taps mommy! Not the taps!"

"Melissa, you're stinky! You're a stinky little girl! And look at this, do you see this?"

Kevin's mom grabbed Melissa by the arm, dragged her over to the toilet, and then pointed down at the toilet bowl.

"You peed in mommy's toilet, didn't you?"

"No!" said Melissa, screeching, tears. "No mommy! I didn't, I swear. I didn't peepee in your toilet!"

"Well who did then?"

"I don't know mommy I don't know!"

"Well it wasn't your brother! Look, there's no pee on the toilet seat. So who was it?"

"Mommy, I-"

"Don't you dare lie to me Melissa. Don't you dare. This toilet was a gift. It's very special to me, and if you come near it again, if you even lay a finger on it, you know what mommy's going to do, don't you?"

"Please mommy! Not the pandybat!"

"That's right, the pandybat.."

"No mommy, I promise, I promise. I'll go take a bath! Please, I promise!"

"Get into the bath right now. Mommy is going to do her meditation and take a nap. When I get up, you better be clean as a nun."

Melissa wiped the tears from her cheeks and nodded. "I promise."

Waving the back of her hand, Kevin's mom shooed Melissa away.Then she slammed her bedroom door shut. 

All of this happened, and I thought: 'Hey, I get it now. I  get why Kevin always chews his fingernails, and why he writes poems called emptiness, and why he was always the first one to ask: 'Do you think we might get in trouble for this?'.   And when Kevin's mom snaked out of her dress, and unhooked her bra, and her tits bounced out, and she slid off her... panties (I hate saying that word) and picked a ball of white lint out of her tiny patch of black pubes , I got why Kevin was the only guy who had no problem getting naked and showering in the change room after gym class. 

Kevin's mom walked over to a big table with tubes of lipstick, and all sorts of pods and sticks for whatever shit that chicks smeared on their eyelids. She massaged her head with both of her hands, like this chick:

(Except naked).

(She looked a lot like that chick too.) ( But with bigger tits.) (And pancake nipples.) (And a big scar on her belly.) (And some little patches of cellulite on her thighs.) 

She stared at herself in her mirror for a really long ass time. Like, she didn't move or anything. Just stared at herself. 

I thought about  what I did when I didn't think anyone was watching. I didn't get naked and stare at myself in a mirror , but I think that's more of a girl thing, and plus, I didn't have a mirror in my room. I picked my nose sometimes. I jacked off a lot. Watched a lot of porn.   Sometimes I just looked at my GTA 5 poster and rubbed a circle in the back of my neck, right in the spot where you can feel the top nub of your spine. One day I rubbed it until it was sore.

Suddenly, I felt bad about watching Kevin's mom, all naked and pancake nipples and cellulite dots and belly scar. Maybe because she made me think of my own mom. My mom hung out in her room a lot  too-- under her cigarette burnt blanket, sipping her Stinging Duck vodka through a straw. Was she doing something under those blankets that I didn't know about?  Did she have a little mirror under there? Did she watch herself like Kevin's mom, like she was waiting to see if she'd turn purple?   

Slowly, so my cheek didn't rub up against a scarf, I turned my head to see if Vapi was watching too. My nose brushed the corner of his mouth.

Honestly, I was kind of surprised, because Vapi was watching Kevin's mom, when I thought he'd be watching the cat. He had a look on his face like the look Wyatt got whenever he found a plant that he didn't know the name of. Squinting. Head tilted to the side.

He blinked a few times, really fast. Then he turned his head, and our noses touched. Well, the bridge of my nose touched the tip of his.

It was a tense moment, because my dick was all inflated, and Vapi probably knew it was inflated, because it was poking him in the thigh. The tip of my dick was wet, and I was worried it might be a bit of pre-jizz. (I'm a leaker.)

Since I didn't know why I had a boner, I started to panic. Was it the drugs? Usually they made my dick shrivel up. Was it Kevin's mom? If it was, then that meant I had a boner because of my mom too, because I couldn't look at Kevin's mom without thinking of my mom, which was gross to think about. Was it being trapped in a closet, like a spy? Did I get off on doing risky shit? When I was a kid I got a boner every time I walked across the monkey bars. Was it Vapi? With his hand on my stomach, and our noses touching, and my sweat dripping onto his face, and his breath, a little breeze tickling my eyelashes?

I remembered some wisdom Wyatt gave me a long time ago: boners happen. 

Me and Vapi's mouths were close, so I leaned in towards him a little bit and kissed him. I don't know why I kissed him, just like I'm not sure why I sniffed Kevin's underwear, or why my keyboard hand crept over to the gay side of Porntube, or why I popped a stiff one every time I watched movies with Channing Tatum. I guess it's like my friend Mike says: 'Like the ball on the end of a matchstick, always anticipating fire, the body needs only the right hand to stroke it, for its itching vapours, its sulfurous aura, to be stoked.' 

  I'm not sure Vapi was stoked though, because he went all stiff, and I think he was holding his breath because I couldn't feel it tickling me anymore. Neither of us opened our mouths. Our arms stayed stuck to our sides.  I felt his teeth behind the cushion of his lips.  I forced my tongue in between his lips, which didn't make the kiss better, because his teeth were clenched, so I wound up brushing his teeth with my tongue.  I got a picture in my head of me sitting inside Vapi's mouth, on one of his teeth, giving it a scrub with a little toothbrush. (I don't know man. I was high). Anyways, Vapi didn't seem down, so I stopped.

Then, real slowly, Vapi ran his hand from my bellybutton, up to my chest. He stopped there for a second, with my nipple squished into the middle of his palm. There was  sliver of sunlight coming into the closet from gap between the fur coat and the leather jacket, so I could see the outline of his fingers under my shirt, moving up and down with my breath. He leaned closer to me again, and the light caught his right eye.  I felt his breath fan a patch of hair on the corner of my mouth, and I hated that patch of hair. It pissed me off, because when I shaved I always missed it, so sometimes it looked like I had whiskers. 

He moved his hand  from my chest to my tailbone, and pulled me into his chest . My junk touched his junk.  He had a big boner too, hiding out underneath his big robe. It felt bigger than mine, which made me nervous. He bent down, and our lips touched again, and this time his mouth was open. Vapi sucked on my top lip, but real gently, so it made no sound. I wrapped my arms around his waist, slowly, careful not to rattle any clothes hangers.  

That was how me and Vapi had our first kiss (that I actually remembered). It didn't last all that long though, because right when I was about to squeeze Vapi's ass, I head this:

"Oh. Oh. What the fuck is this? What the fuck is on the carpet? Melissa?!"

I peeked through the curtain of fancy clothes again, and saw Kevin's mom bent over, eyeing the carpet. She touched the carpet and then smelled her fingers.

"What is this? Is this... Is this lime juice?"

When Kevin's mom said that, I realized that: a)The cold wetness on my thigh wasn't my sweat or my piss, and b) the cold wetness on the tip of my dick wasn't a bit of pre-cum and c) Vapi was the stupidest guy who understood words like 'circumscribe' who ever lived, because he'd stashed his fucking popsicle in the pocket of his monk dress.

 Kevin's mom's eyes followed the trail of popsicle drips right to the closet door. She stared at the closet and I got some full frontal. The worst kind of full frontal, though. The full frontal that meant Kevin's mom had connected the popsicle dots, followed the body odor trail, and twigged that the pee in her toilet was a couple shades too dark to come out of a little girl who was raised on a diet of  quinoa, and zuchini, and fresh salmon, or whatever the fuck people who live in houses with balconies eat. The full frontal that watched you, and not the other way around.

Then Vapi sneezed.

And a Windex spray of his spit landed on my cheek.

And Kevin's mom made a sound like this:


She covered herself with a kimono that was hanging on her bedroom door. I put my back against the wall, praying that if I pushed hard enough the wall would swallow me up. Praying that I'd find a magic crawlspace that led me to anywhere that wasn't Kevin's house.

(A/N: Next chapter will actually happen sooner, since it's already written. Just need to edit it. Good chance I'll edit on Sunday, after I'm over my hangover. <3 <3 <3. Happy Easter!)

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