Niall lost everything on horses. I was drawn into this because I was his girlfriend. We were going to lose everything, when he finally asked his best friend Harry Styles for help. Harry was rich and had everything that one could have. It was he who changed everything, but at the same time he just wanted to help, yet I was drawn into something that would be the end of everything I was used to know. I was stuck between two men.


24. The letter


Dear Sara


I guess that if you're reading this letter, I'm already far away. I don't know what will happen or what to do, but I make a last attempt to explain Myself. Yes, I totally lost my way in life, but I admit that it's my own fault. Over the past week, I have only seen the dark, the really dark thing in life. I've pulled myself away from everything and everyone, because I feel so much hatred. I thought I hated you, but I know deep down inside that I love you, yes I worship you. You were the only light that I once had and now I miss everything, I miss you. One time, I promised you so many things and I know I failed again and again. 


When you read this letter, you can at least think about anything good when it comes to me, or us? We once had everything I wanted and I still remember the day when you wanted to be with me. I was the luckiest man in the world and I never imagined that I would lose you. I thought you would always be there, for me, and that you would always stand beside me, but it's not your fault that I chose this path. I guess it all was up to me, my way to take care of my own problems. I thought the whole time that I would win money, get it all back, and I thought I would find a way from my gambling addiction. I thought quite seriously that I would soon have the luck on my side, but I was hoping in vain.


I have made a lot to pay back my debt to the worst of the worst. You wont get them to follow you, but there are still those who's seeking after me. Please, don't let them affect you and you have nothing with this to do. I also told my mom the whole truth, and she does everything in her power to save me, although I'm already far away from salvation. I have no money to give you and the few possessions I had are already sold. The apartment's empty and there wont be any problem for you to sort everything out. I have really tried to prepare everything. At first I wanted to be buried next to my ancestors, but I realize I don't have the money for that to happen. Please, the only thing I ask is that you at least let a priest bless the place where I land. It would be wrong to not get the chance to be save even that I know I'm going to hell. 


I have no idea what I really want to write to you. I shouldn't even write this letter, but it also gives me an explanation, to myself. I get my thoughts down on paper and I can release the unpleasant feeling that I have, as you also are force to have. Basically I'm a sober man, you know that, I know what's right and what's wrong, yet I chose to totally destroy everything as I had and have.


I have a rifle with me, I've had it in the car since that day. The day when I saw you naked under Harry, and I know you saw me. I don't know why I just stood there and saw the pleasure in your eyes. Perhaps it was to torment myself? Maybe it was because I wanted to be convinced to go on with life? I don't wally know! I only remember the hatred that grew inside me, hatred for Harry. He's the perfect man, and he's all that as I ain't. He has money and he cares about you. I see the love in his eyes and I know he will take care of you, but I hate it. I hate the idea that it's not me standing there, by your side. It will never be me who takes care of you or as one day provides you with that life as we once wanted. I know I've lost you, but hope remains. I wish with all my heart that you will come back, that this is just a bad nightmare.


I know you are in the hotel and I only have one single plan. I want to scare Harry. I want to make him realize how easily he could lose you. It's not about money, it's about more. I can easily kill you, or him, but I doubt that I dare to do so. I just want to prove that I'm still here and I want you to go from this with the idea that you could have chosen me, with all my faults and mistakes. Basically I love you with all my heart. I love you more than any other man will ever love you. For me you're everything, you're the light, you're even the dark, everything, and you're my life. Please, Sarah! Understand that I'm desperate to get back what we once had, the love as once existed between us. I wish you could just turn around and come home.


Your Niall






---------------the end------------------------




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