Duh Written Show

It's an ongoing series about two idiots figuring out adult life mistake after mistake.





It’s 10am on Sunday morning. Alex and Rusty are both sitting on the couch. They are both very calm after just finishing a fistfight with each other over Rusty throwing his cell phone and breaking their TV. Rusty’s lip is bleeding and Alex has scratches on his face.

Rusty: It took her three days to text me back just to say, “ I was really drunk that night. I didn’t mean it.”

Alex: Let me try to explain this to you.

Rusty: Here we go.

Alex: Imagine yourself as a kid in the mall and Amanda is your mom.

Rusty: I’m starting to get a boner.

Alex: You shouldn’t be.

Rusty: I am.

Alex: Anyways, you’re with your mom, Amanda, and she’s really annoyed by you right now, because you’re a little kid and you do really annoying fucking things. Now if you wander away from her and go play in the Toy Store for a while, she’ll either come find you because she loves you or she’ll leave your ass there, because you were a mistake and she doesn’t want you. Then you’re just a kid in the Toy Store forever. Doesn’t that sound better than shopping for clothes with your mom forever?

Rusty: (kid voice) But I love my mommy.

Alex: Wow bro, you’re really making this fucking creepy.

Rusty: I guess that’s not a bad analogy. You think she’ll really come save me from the toy store?

Alex: There’s only one way to find out.

Rusty: I think she will.

Alex: Ok, well actually, I don’t. Honestly, I think you were a practice guy. I think she was using you to make sure she was stable enough to be in another relationship. She was testing the waters. After being in a relationship so long, she was making sure she could still swim.

Rusty: What the fuck are you talking about? Stop speaking in riddles.

Alex: Basically, she used you to test how awkward she might be with another guy who wasn’t Dustin. So she doesn’t embarrass herself when she starts dating. She used you for practice.

Rusty: You’re so stupid. You and everyone else. That girl still loves me. I know that for sure. Even if she forgot.

Alex: Whatever. I don’t give a shit. Have you thought about what we should do with Kyle?

Rusty: What do you mean? We’re gonna have to kill him.

Alex: We can’t just kill someone.

Rusty: Huh? You were totally on board the other night.

Alex: I know but I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t think I could go through with it. We haven’t actually killed anybody. I just think we’ll fuck it up and get caught.

Rusty: We’re not gonna get caught. We already know how to do the hard part. Getting rid of the body. Killing is the easy part.

Alex: Shut the fuck up like you’ve done this before. You accidentally killed Dustin and you just got the priest killed by Ray.

Rusty: Well if both of those are my fault then I guess I’m the more experienced one. So just follow my lead.

Alex: I’m sure we can think of something else. Like pay him off. Or scare him out of town or something.

Rusty: He does seem really stupid and gullible. Scaring him might not be that hard.

Alex: Exactly.

Rusty: Nah, fuck that. He has information that could send us away for life. We have to flush him out.

Alex: How would we even go about it? It’s not like we’ve had any real practice with pre-meditated murder.

Rusty: Please don’t say the word “practice.” That’s just gonna piss me off right now.

Alex: Oh my god. At this point I think you’re just gonn have to kill yourself to get over her.

Rusty: I was creeping on that motherfucker’s Facebook last night.

Alex: Who? Hunter’s?

Rusty: Yeah.

Alex: And?

Rusty: He has a fucking boat. And a motorcycle.

Alex: Aw man. You’re fucked.

Rusty: How can I compete with that shit? I can’t afford either of those things. I fucking hate people like that. Motherfuckers who are born with everything. It took me six years to finally get Amanda away from Dustin and to smash. It took that motherfucker one Facebook message. If God is real he definitely has favorites. And I’m at the bottom of that list.

Alex: (Laughs) Again. Maybe it’s time to tie the noose.

Rusty: Mr. Has Everything In The World just steals my girl and drives off on his boat. And I’m just the practice guy sitting in a canoe.

Alex: Sounds about right. Except you don’t even have a canoe. Could be worse. You coulda never fucked her at all. There’s a bright side.

Rusty: The fucking Practice Guy.

After a couple seconds Rusty’s depressed frown turns into a wide smirk. He jumps off the couch and heads to the front door.

Alex: Where are you going?

Rusty: I have a great idea. I’ll be back.


After waiting for too long Alex decides to go to the gym. When he gets back from the gym he hears Rusty in the garage. Instead of investigating he takes a shower and when he comes out Rusty is sitting on the couch all giddy, holding his car keys.

Rusty: Perfect timing. Let’s go.

Alex: Where are we going?

Rusty: It’s a surprise.

Alex: I’m gonna go ahead and decline because you look really creepy right now.

Rusty: I’m just excited. C’mon, I’ll tell you on the way.

They drove with no music on. Rusty still had the smirk on his face.

Alex: So what exactly are we doing?

Rusty: Let’s just say I’ve found the perfect way to solve a couple of our problems.

Alex: I’m not sure I like the sound of this.

Rusty pulls his car into the gym parking lot.

Alex: Oh god dammit, Rusty. What the fuck are you doing?

Rusty: You never told me that Hunter works at the gym, bro.

Alex: Yeah. He’s the new manager. I didn’t know you didn’t know that. You would know that if you ever actually went to the gym.

Rusty: Well now I know. That’s why Amanda has a gym membership now. I should’ve figured known. Her lazy ass aint working out for no reason.

Alex: We can’t go in there. I just got back from here. And they’re closed now. They close at five today.

Rusty: Yeah thanks Alex. I’m well aware they close at 5. We’re not going in. We’re waiting out here.

Rusty parks right next to Hunter’s truck. There are no other vehicles in the parking lot.

Alex: What are you gonna try to fight him? He’s like a foot taller than you and has at least 50 pounds on you. The guy is huge. You will lose.

Rusty: I don’t think you ever give me credit for how smart I am.

Alex: I’m not sure you ever earn that credit.

Rusty pulls a pistol out of his pants and shows Alex. Alex grabs it and tucks it in his pants.

Alex: Is that my fucking pistol? Rusty, what the fuck are you doing?

Rusty: Calm down. I brought it just in case.

Alex: In case what?

Rusty: Well, you got me thinking with that whole “practice guy” comment. So if Amanda made me her practice guy, then I’ll just use Hunter as my practice guy.

Alex: So you’re gonna fuck Hunter to get better at fucking other guys.

Rusty: No idiot. We have to kill Kyle. That is a fact. You said it yourself, we’ve never actually pulled off a real first-degree murder before. Who better to practice on than this piece of shit?

Alex: No fucking way. Are you insane?

Rusty: No it’s pretty fucking smart.

Alex: So you’re just gonna shoot him and leave?

Rusty: No we’re gonna bring him back to the house and Dexter him.

Alex: Dexter him?

Rusty: Bro, I went to Home Depot and got like ten rolls of plastic sheeting. I can’t wait for you to see the garage. I’m pretty proud of myself.

Alex: We can’t just kill this guy. He’s my friend.

Rusty: You call everyone your friend. He’s just an acquaintance.

Alex: I don’t have a problem with him. I like him. I talk to him all the time at a gym. He’s a cool guy.

Rusty: First of all, don’t ever say that shit again. Second, I have a problem with him. I’d back you up if the situation were opposite.

Alex: Let’s just practice on someone else. He doesn’t deserve it. Just because Amanda likes him more than you. You selfish asshole.

Rusty: Nobody deserves this more than him. This kid was born with a silver spoon up his ass. He’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted his whole life. He can get any girl he wants. I’ve only had one thing I was ever proud of. One thing I’ve ever wanted. And he stole her out from under me. By the time I reach 100 years old I still wont have as many good times as this guy has had in his twenty whatever years. He’s had a great life. His time is up. Time to pay the piper, bitch.

Alex: Rusty, I think you just need to think about this. You’re just acting on impulse right now.

He sees Hunter in the rearview mirror.

Rusty: I’ll show you impulse. I’m bout to beat the shit out of him.

Rusty gets out of the car.

Alex: God dammit.

He walks up to Hunter.

Rusty: What’s up, bro.

Hunter: Hey.

Rusty: Remember me from high school?

Hunter: Oh yeah. Whats up man? What’s your name again?

Rusty: Diesel. Remember, we had the two coolest names in school?

Hunter: Oh yeah. That’s right. What’s up Deez? How you been?

Rusty: It’s Diesel actually. And not too much man. I’ve just been out here grindin. You know, just killing motherfuckers.

Rusty high fives him.

Hunter: Oh yeah for sure bro. You come to the gym? I never see you around here?

Rusty: Oh I actually just came to sign up.

Hunter: Oh, well, I just closed the place down. But, how about you come tomorrow and I’ll sign you on up?

Rusty: Mos def bra. Word. Totes. So anyways, I heard you and Amanda are fucking now.

Another high five. This time from Hunter.

Hunter: Oh hell yeah dude. I’ve been pounding that ass the past couple nights. Non stop.

Rusty: Non stop? Hell yeah. Awesome. You know, I just heard she doesn’t give head. That must suck. Huh.

Hunter: I don’t know who you heard that from. That girl won’t take my dick out of her mouth. Like all day long. I’ve never had a girl that could go as far down on my dick as she does. And she’s a freak. Wants it in the ass all the time.

Rusty: Lying piece of shit!

Rusty throws a punch at Hunter. His gym bag flies off. Other than that he seems okay.

Hunter: What the fuck?

Hunter throws Rusty into the car and he falls on the ground. Alex gets out of the car and puts Hunter in a chokehold. Hunter rams Alex against his truck a few times. Alex’s grip loosens and Hunter breaks it and elbows Alex in the nose. Alex goes down. Rusty runs back at him. Hunter punches Rusty to the ground and then kicks him while he’s down.

Hunter: Fucking pussies.

Rusty: Alex get him! He knows Kung Fu!

Hunter: Kung Fu my ass. You guys are just rag dolls.

Hunter tries to get into his truck. Alex gets up and pulls the gun from his waistband. He then pulls the gun on Hunter.

Alex: Get out of the fucking truck! And into the car.

He puts his hands up and does what Alex says.

Alex: You all right?

Rusty: Yeah, let me just catch my breath.

No one was around to see the fight except for one homeless man who had a front row seat.

Alex: Oh shit, look.

Rusty: That’s all right. That’s the crazy guy that’s always at Hess. (to the homeless man) Get the fuck out of here bum!

Bum: Ay fuck y’all

Alex points the gun at him

Alex: Get going.

Bum: Y’all don’t want none of dis. Nigga, I’m fruit punch concentrate!

Rusty: What the fuck does that mean?

Alex grabs a rock and throws it at him. He gets back on his bike.

Bum: Im coming back for my money! Best believe it. You see me again. This aint the last time you gon see Bernie. Nuh uh. On your momma life. I gets my money.

Rusty: Fucking crazy motherfucker.

Rusty gets in the driver seat while Alex sits in the back seat with Hunter, holding the gun at him.

Hunter: You guys got the wrong guy. I didn’t do anything. Alex, I know we’re cool. Diesel, I thought we were boys.

Rusty: Oh you thought we were boys? Well sorry bud. I’m a man.

Hunter: You don’t fight like a man.

Rusty: You sucker punched me.

Hunter: What? You hit me first.

Alex: Just stay calm, Hunter. We’ll explain everything when we get back to the house. Diesel just needs to talk to you.


When they get to the house, Alex keeps the gun under his shirt so none of the neighbors can see as they walk inside. They walk Hunter into the garage. Plastic covers everything except one chair.

Alex: Holy shit, man. You weren’t kidding.

Hunter: What the fuck? Are you guys about to Dexter me?

Rusty: Shut the fuck up and sit in the chair. Hold the gun on him while I tie him up.

Rusty ties his arms and legs to the chair.

Rusty: First things first.

Rusty punches him in the face.

Rusty: Bitch.

Alex throws a punch at him too.

Alex: All right that’s enough.

Rusty throws another punch.

Alex: What the fuck? Now I have to punch him again.

Alex throws another punch.

Alex: There it’s even.

Rusty: How bout three bitch.

Rusty hits him again.

Alex: Chill out. That’s enough.

Hunter starts crying.

Rusty: Are you fucking crying?

Hunter: Please stop hitting me.

Rusty: Calm down. That was the last one. Be a man.

Hunter: You guys are gonna kill me.

Alex: Stop crying dude. We’re not gonna kill you.

Rusty: We’re definitely about to kill you.

Hunter starts crying louder.

Alex: We can’t really do this.

Rusty: Hold on a sec.

Rusty goes inside and grabs duct tape. When he comes back he wraps it around Hunter’s mouth.

Rusty: What’s that now?

Alex: We can’t really fucking kill him, dude.

Rusty: Of course we can. We have to, now. He knows where we live. He knows what we look like. This was the plan the whole time.

Alex: You didn’t tell me about the plan until one second before you executed it.

Rusty: I knew you wouldn’t agree to do it.

Alex: Well what the fuck man? I can’t say I’m on board with this.

Rusty: Why?

Alex: It feels wrong. It’s real dark. I feel like Ted Bundy or Jeffery Dahmer or something.

Rusty: Oh come one. Those were crazy motherfuckers. They made like lampshades and ate people and shit. Think of us more like The Sopranos. The mob kills a bunch of people, nobody looks at them like serial killers. Just look at him like he’s from Saudi Arabia. Then his life doesn’t matter. The military kills those motherfuckers every day. America! He’s just a blonde Persian piece of shit.

Rusty punches him again.

Rusty: Last time. Promise.

Alex: People don’t just kill people like this. This is psychotic.

Rusty: How is this psychotic? Think about the hood, bro. Motherfuckers shoot each other every day. Over stupid shit like territory. Little kids get accidentally killed, all the time. Just replace one of them with him. People will only care about his death because he has white skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. But murders happen everyday. It’s a fact of life. It’s not like we’re killing him ‘cause we have some weird fetish or want to eat him. It’s just war. This is war. Fuck our bullshit societal rules. We’re just animals. This is what animals do. You take out the threat.

Alex: So this is how we’re gonna be now? We’re just gonna kill whoever we want?

Rusty: No motherfucker. But if we’re smart enough to get away with it we might as well take out anybody keeping us from what we want. I’m not just gonna lay down and get fucked by somebody just to be polite.

Alex: You’re saying not killing him is being polite?

Rusty: Exactly.

Alex: You’re insane.

Rusty: Listen, I told you he was practice for Kyle. Which is now looking like a great idea, so we can get this shit out of the way. If you pulled this shit while we’re trying to kill Kyle, then we let him go, he would turn in all the evidence he has on us, then we go to prison, then we’re fighting for our lives every day in the prison yard, in the showers, the cafeteria. Lets just nip it in the bud.

Alex: Okay, that’s fine. We’ll kill Kyle. We have a reason to.

Rusty: Well I have a reason to kill him.

Alex: Because of Amanda?

Rusty: She said if it wasn’t for him then she’d be with me. I have to do this.

Hunter mumbles under the duct tape.

Alex: Let’s just see what he thinks. Let’s see if we can work this out.

Alex takes off the duct tape.

Hunter: Diesel, I’m so sorry man. I didn’t know you were in love with Amanda. I would’ve never talked to her if I knew. I swear I’ll never talk to her again.

Alex: Listen, Hunter, If we let you go will you help us kill this dude trying to send us to prison.

Hunter: Absolutely, let’s go kill that motherfucker right now.

Alex: See, we could definitely use a big guy like him. You wanna be part of our crew?

Hunter: Sure, you guys are awesome. I like your style. I’d never say anything about this either. Just call it like a gang initiation.

Alex: See.

Rusty: See what? All I see is that Hunter is down to kill someone he doesn’t know. He has no reason to want to kill Kyle. I have a reason to kill him. Bad person. He deserves to die.

Alex: He just said he’d never talk to Amanda again.

Hunter: Never. And you know what? She was saying something about being in love with some guy, so we could never be serious. In fact now that I think about it, it was you. She said Diesel.

Rusty: Oh she mentioned Ol Diesel did she? Shut the fuck up faggot.

Hunter starts crying again.

Rusty: Put the tape back on his mouth. I’m about done with this shit.

Alex: Please please please, can we not do this? We can figure something else out.

Rusty is quiet for a couple minutes as he thinks.

Rusty: All right Hunter listen up. There’s only one way you’re getting out of this alive. And this way, we don’t have to kill anybody.  You ended up being a bigger poon than I thought, so I feel kinda bad for you. You’re gonna help us kill Kyle. We’re gonna take a picture of you killing him, like we caught you in the act. Then you’re gonna confess to killing him, plus the two bodies they found in the Stick Marsh. Then you’re going to prison and you’ll never write Amanda. Ever. Never even think about her.

Hunter: C’mon man, Just let me go. I’ll never talk to her again.

Rusty: Deal or not?

Hunter: (crying) I don’t want to go to prison.

Rusty: It’s either that or I kill you right here right now.

Hunter: Whatever motherfucker. Deal. I guess.

Rusty: (To Alex) Sound good to you?

Alex: Yes. Thank you. Goddamn.

Hunter: But when I get out prison I’ll kill both of you.

Rusty: Fine with me. I’ll be old as shit. If not dead already.

Hunter: You two are the biggest pieces of shit. Throughout history. Hitler has nothing you fucks.

Alex: I just saved you.

Rusty: He’s just mad he’s going to prison.

Alex: That was actually a great idea, Rusty.

Hunter: Rusty? (Laughs) I knew Diesel was a fake name. Of course you’re Rusty.

Rusty: So you do know me?

Hunter: Yeah. Amanda mentioned you. She said you’re just some fucking loser who’s obsessed with her. She said she’s tired of your small dick. I think her exact words were “Never satisfied me once.” And her exact words about me were “Oh yeah, no one fills me like you.” Fucking pussy.

Rusty: Tired of my small dick, huh?

Alex sits down in the corner and drops his face into his hands. Rusty stares at a hammer for a minute before picking it up.

Rusty: Let me tell you something about my dick, Hunter. My dick is like the best dessert you’ve ever had. You want it all the time, but know it’s not good or you. You know you won’t be able to appreciate it as much if you have it everyday. So you go to find other dick, but its never quite the same. My dick is a special occasion dick. You want my dick on your birthday. You want dick when you get that new promotion. A celebration dick. If there’s one thing you don’t do, you don’t get tired of my dick.

Rusty starts swinging the hammer at Hunter’s head. Down then back up then again and again. Then three real fast down swings. Once his arm is tired he throws the hammer at the wall.

Both Alex and Rusty are quiet for a good five minutes.

Alex: I really wanna throw up right now.

Rusty: Go ahead. There’s plastic everywhere.

Alex: All ready a big enough mess to clean up, right?

Rusty: Maybe. Is he dead? Hunter?

Alex: Is he dead? His fucking eye is hanging out of his head.

Rusty: So what, I know someone whose eye did that and they’re still alive. Hunter?

Alex: He’s fucking dead man, you caved the side of his head in.

Rusty: Calm down. I was just checking. You act like you’re a doctor or something.

Alex: You’re cleaning this shit up yourself.

Rusty: That’s fine.

Alex: Congratulations, you’re a murderer now. How does it feel?

Rusty: I don’t really know. Different for sure.

Alex walks over to get a better look at the body. He steps on something.

Alex: Ew. What the hell is that?

Rusty: I think it’s a tooth.

Alex: Oh yeah, there’s like six of them. Goddamn, bro. That was savage.

Rusty: To be honest, that was a little much. Like as I was doing it, in my head I was like, “This isn’t cool.”

Alex: How were you originally planning on killing him?

Rusty: I was just gonna make him drink a bunch of bleach. And I didn’t want to get bleach on anything in the garage. It stains. Plus I figured the bleach would make him puke.

Alex: I feel like Kyle should be no problem at this point.

Rusty: Oh yeah, that’s gonna be easy.

They hear something bump up against the garage door. When they turn their head they see Kyle’s face looking through one of the garage door windows.

Alex: Motherfucker!

They both run outside. By the time they get out there, Kyle is tearing off down the road.

Rusty: He must’ve been standing on my car. He better not have dented it.

Alex: This guy is becoming a real pain in the ass.

Rusty: How much do you think he saw?

Alex: I don’t know but he definitely saw a dead body tied to a chair in a room full of plastic.

Rusty: Don’t worry about it. We’ll get him.

Alex: We still have a whole night of clean up ahead of us. We should probably get that done as quick as possible. Maybe use something to cover up the windows.

Rusty: So you’re gonna help?

Alex: Yeah, I guess.

Rusty: Thanks man. And I’m sorry I killed your friend.

Alex: That’s all right. He was kind of a douche.



                      TO BE CONTINUED>>>


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