Tom Riddle And The I-Just-Got-Wrecked

Lord Voldemort's perspective of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." Mostly played for laughs. Enjoy!


4. Break-In At Gringotts

Two mornings later, Quirrell woke up. Of course, I could not sleep, so I spent the whole night staring around Quirrell's room and pinpointing possible threats of his possessions. The previous night I had spent crafting a plan to come back to life, and now it's all mapped out in my head.

"Quirrell, are you ready?" I asked.

"Ready, my Lord?" Quirrell replied.

"For the break-in. The first step to achieve our plan is to steal Nicolas Flamel's great alchemical compound, the Philosopher's Stone, from a vault in Gringotts Wizarding Bank. With it, we can make the Elixir of Life."

"Yes," said Quirrell. "I just need to get dressed and get my wand."

"So be it," I replied.

Quirrell, now clad in his dress robes, and with his wand clipped to his belt, set out to begin the mission. On the way out, I heard a teacher halt Quirrell. "Why are you leaving?" she asked.

"I forgot to get a textbook for three of my students. There aren't enough books for the thirty students that will be in my class."

"I see," said the lady. "Proceed."

I felt a jerk, and we proceeded again. I couldn't help but wonder where he was headed. But I followed. Finally, some distance from Hogwarts, Quirrell Apparated.

We reappeared in Diagon Alley. The time has come for my rise. I followed Quirrell amid all the people crowding the street.

He opened a door into the Leaky Cauldron.

"Why are we here?" I asked.

"I have to make a pitstop before the action," he said, and went inside. Ugh. As Quirrell took a seat, I rushed into a compartment and hid before anyone noticed me. I kept my gaze on Quirrell. I will not let that freak out of my sight...and this music playing is so annoying.

Tom the Inkeeper asked Quirrell what brought him here.

"W-well, I'm...going to buy a new book about v-vampires," he stuttered. Whew!

I still don't know why we're here, though...

Just then, Rubeus Hagrid came inside with the infamous doofus, Harry Potter. Tom spoke first, addressing Hagrid. Hagrid said he was on official business related to Hogwarts. Everyone noticed Harry immediately, and the music died down. There was a lot of merry chittering after that. But my gaze remained on Quirrell. 

Quirrell began to stutter again. "H-Harry P-p-Potter. Can't tell you how pleased I am t-t-to meet you a-at last."

"Hello, Professor!" said Hagrid. "Didn't see you there. Harry, this is Professor Quirrell. He'll be your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts."

Harry grunted, and I knew it was his scar. He is in the presence of true awesomeness. "Nice to meet you," he said at last.

"F-fearfully fascinating subject," he replied. "N-not that you need it, eh?" Another shiver.

"Well, best be goin' ner," said Hagrid. "Still got a lot to buy."

"Good bye," said Harry. I heard footsteps, and Harry and Hagrid were gone through the door. Seeing the two leave, Quirrell proceeded upstairs in a passage leading directly into the bank itself. Using a non-verbal spell to mask his presence from the dozens of goblins and wizarding police lining the halls, we made our way across the hall and right behind lead goblin Griphook without a trace of our presence.

After a few turns, Quirrell signaled a stop. I was like, Hey, you know this place better than I do. The next thing to cross was a roller coaster of sorts.

"I think we should ride it," I said. More like an order.

"You're right," said Quirrell. "Confundo!" The car thingy--yes, that'll be a good name for it--stopped ratcheting and was rendered silent. "Braccio!"

The car remained in place as we climbed aboard. From my position, I could see perfectly. In a moment, the car began down the coaster. There were many twists and turns, ups and downs, just like a roller coaster. It's nightmarish, but it's one exciting ride.

Now why does that sound familiar?

Finally, the boxcar screeched to a stop. We climbed out, and after a short bout of walking, we found ourselves in a hall of vaults. Fortunately, Quirrell could remember the vault number--Vault 713--because I could not. He has an even better memory than the Dark Lord...

Finally, we rounded onto the designated vault. Quirrell immediately fired a Blasting Curse, cracking the vault door. From the sounds I heard, he was burrowing inside. We're going to have...

"Master?" Quirrell asked.

"Yes?" I asked. "Have you located it?"

"Quite the contrary," said Quirrell. "The Stone has already been taken." I began to panic. "It's not in there! What'll we do?"

Now I'm mad. "Quirrell, you idiot! Where's the Stone?"

"It was right in here!" he protested. "In this very vault!"

"Search the others," I instructed.

"Yes sir," he replied. I heard his wand hum, and he began to use a spell to scan the other vaults.

"Well?" I asked.

"I'm really sorry, but it's not there. It's not in any of them!" he said. "What will we do?"

"We will leave, you stupid fool, before we are caught," I snapped.

"Right," he said, and Disapparated. When we landed, I asked him where we were.

"We are outside Hogwarts," he said. "No one, even you, can Apparate into Hogwarts; it a point affected by an Anti-Disapparation Jinx. From here, we must walk."

"All right," I agreed, though I realized we didn't really have a choice. We headed inside Hogwarts and up to Quirrell's dorm. Although I know he is not entirely to blame, I am still very angry.

This was the first time anyone had successfully infiltrated the bank. The break-in was later reported in more detail in a copy of the Daily Prophet issue on 6 September. This led Harry Potter and his friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, to investigate the attempted theft, and they began to suspect that the current Potions Professor, Severus Snape, was behind the thievery. Fortunately, that means we won't get caught anytime soon.

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