Modern parody on the famous poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling.


1. When

When you can keep your legs open when all about you,

Are crooks who’ll plead you asked for it,

When you can be trusted ‘till the end and always stay true,

But allow them to expect you’re a hit it and quit it;

When you can make people wait every time you’re late,

Or have a job for which you’ll never get eulogized,

Or only be used for the tiny kiddo you should create,

And yet look photoshop good and aren’t too wise;


When you can dream - and never be like your dream gals,

When you can think - and overthink everything he said

When you can meet with cash and unpaid bills

And treat yourself despite what your banknote read;

When you can bear to hear the gossip everywhere,

Twisted by exaggeration and pass it on,

Or eye your closet and don’t know what to wear,

And stoop to find that one dress you’re looking for gone;


When you can make a heap of every argument you won,

And risk friendships by challenging a woman,

And lose, before the start has even begun,

And complain about “women being right” to everyone;

When you can force your skin and hair in the morning,

To look fantastic and smell good at all times,

And give consent because of just some drinking,

And keep to yourself what you think about such crimes;


When you can talk with everyone and never keep your cool

Or walk with no one - nor mind the guys catcalling you,

When neither high heels nor comfortable pairs cause an inner duel,

When you can count them all, but still have too many shoes;

When you can be filled with cookies and icecream,

Without gaining weight worth more than a gram,

You’ll be just like society’s stereotypical dream,

And -which is more- they’ll see you as a woman, ma’am.

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