Dear Diary

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Me and the shit I go through. Be warned it can get serious. Hope you enjoy.

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43. 2020-06-29 Trigger warning

Dear Diary,

Wow I can't believe how long it has been since I last shared my thoughts with you, it's been almost been a year. A lot has happened since then, I have now been working at Sobeys for nearly 2 years now and I have a lot to say. I work in a department that is part of another department but is in charge of other products that we sell and so I have sort of 2 managers (really it's just one manager and a supervisor but my manager thinks she runs the whole frickin store) the "manager that is in charge of my smaller department is kind of a bitch. We're going to call her Stacy, so Stacy likes to act really nice face to face but when you are gone she changes and says shit about you which is kind of dumb on her part because whenever she tells us something about another employee we tell the person what she has said. she is always so negative and because I work with her all the time I have to soak up all that negativity and just nod and agree with what she says at the time or defend the person she is insulting so that I can just survive my shift. It has gotten worse as the time has passed and it's taking it's toll, more days than others but I know that I have to keep my attitude positive and just know that I have more friends than here there (lol). As for my actual manager (we are going to call him Jeff) he is a nice guy but for some reason Stacy just hates him (she realistically hates everyone but she doesn't even try to hide it from him) and she makes it her side job just to make his life difficult which is really hard for him because Jeff is really just trying his best to make the department run at it's best. But the funny thing about Jeff is he thinks I don't like him, which is not the case at all, the thing is I am for some reason that is even unknown to me is that when it comes to men that are older than me be them like 10 years older or like my fathers age which is around late 50's I get really quiet and uncomfortable. this does not mean I don't like them it just means that I don't really want to make full conversations with them. I've been trying to find the time to tell Jeff that I don't hate him and that he's a cool guy but I can just never find the words. maybe one day I'll tell him. other than that work is work and it's busy and slow but I know that I can't wait for school to start again because then I can work less :). 

As we all know COVID is going on and it has effected a lot of people and made working hard for others but when COVID started I was still in the second semester of my second year of University and things were still going well. when everything started getting real serious classes switched to online and finals were made into written exams which were great because, I mean in my opinion made things so much easier. In the end I ended up getting A's in all but one of my courses which is the best I have gotten so far (I know not something I should be bragging about) but this brings hope that I can be better in the last couple years and not be a bum in my courses because this will really determine if someone wants to hire me in the future or really if I graduate or not. my goal in for the future is to major in my course Child and youth studies and minor in Indigenous studies then do whatever I have to do so I can work with troubled Indigenous youth. I have faith I'll be able to do it.

So this is where things are going to get dicey, this incident happened when I was working at Tim Hortons still, I had worked at a smaller location during a gap year with a family friend as a manager and my best friend who was the manager's daughter and a fellow employee. they would often go to Florida during the summer with the rest of their family and that meant that I was going to be in charge of some aspects of the store since I was there more often then everyone else being full time. because of that I was added to a group chat with other supervisors and managers that my general manager made, and this is where things get confusing so stay with me it will all come together. I didn't know that I was apart of this group chat I just thought that my general manager ( which is the person that over sees the three tims that were around the area where my store was) would text me if he needed something for another store or if he wanted to know how we were doing but because his phone was an iphone and mine was an android when he sent the mass text out to everyone it came to my phone as if someone had sent me a picture and the same thing would happen when the people would respond to the chat. I hadn't pieced it together yet and one day I was curious as to who was texting me these pictures (which was actually the answer to the chat). so I texted the number that most recently showed up on my phone and to make a long story shorter it turned out to be a worker at one of the supervisors that worked at a closer store to mine and we had got to taking saying that this was crazy that we had worked so close to each other and practically seen each other every day when I had gone to pick up stuff my store needed from his and never really talked. so as we were talking (we are going to call him chad) chad had suggested that we should hang out and for me I was excited that I could maybe have another friend that I could hang out with because I usually only spent time with my one best friend and when I was talking to him over text I kept putting emphasis on the word friend. the idea that I could have a different friend that understood the annoyances of working at a fast food joint was exciting but when I think back on it now i should have known better than to think that. so after a while we had decided to go to the nature museum which is my favorite. when he picked me up the first thing that should have set off a red flag was that his phone was on and he had searched hickeys on his phone but I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I ignored it. the second thing that should have had me more worried was when we got to the museum he kept sticking really close to me and trying to put his arm around me and trying to hold my hand, when he would I would pause for a moment trying to figure a way out of this then move quickly away to look at something else but it was clear that I was really uncomfortable with him touching me and he kept doing it. what really should have been the final stroke was after we were done with the museum and we decided to just go for a drive because we both liked just going for drives, chad had taken me to like the middle of nowhere then pulled to the side of the road and parked the car. I was confused and asked him what was going on and he just turned to me and asked me if he could kiss me, I said no because I didn't want to and at this point really wanted to leave but I was worried that if I had pissed him off he would kick me out of the car and leave me in the middle of nowhere with no way home so I was saying no but trying to keep the situation from turning bad. unfortunately he decided that my no meant yes and pulled my face into a kiss, I was shocked and it took me a second (which felt like a while) for me to pull away but he was holding onto me pretty tight and when I did pull away he grabbed the back of my neck pretty hard and forced my face back to his. at this point things are really getting scary for me, I knew that he was aggressive and he could over power me. as I was trying to get him to stop me had moved from my face to my breast and began sucking the top of my breast so hard that I actually had to stop from crying out because it hurt so much ( at this point the while hickey thing made sense). and then in the next second his hand was at my pants and I knew that if I really didn't put my foot down that he would just keep going and I would have no say, so I grabbed his hand as hard as I could and pulled it away and said no. he thankfully pulled away and mumbled something about continuing somewhere else then typed something into his phone and drove off. I was trying to wrap my head around what had just happened and if anything I had done had made him think that i wanted that, I had finally asked him during the ride (again not knowing where I was going) if he had brought me out here thinking I would have sex with him and he immediately said no we are just friends. at this point I didn't feel that staying longer in this car with him was safe for me so I got a friend to text me so I could make an excuse. I had said that I needed to go home so I could babysit my brother (mind you my youngest brother is only a year younger than me and at that point in time he was 18) so he said ok and cancelled wherever the phone was taking us to but I could tell he was taking me to a motel, like seriously I had said no over and over and he really thought that I wanted to go to a motel to "continue this". when I got home I just felt so tired and shocked, I told my mother and sister and that was that. or so I thought. the next day my friend and her family was back from Florida and she said that she wanted to go to tims for breakfast because she had nothing in her house after being gone for little over a week and me not thinking said yes. when we got there I had noticed that Chad was there, I had done my best to ignore him and pretend that i hadn't seen him so as to avoid confrontation. but when I was waiting for my food he had clearly seen me and walked closer over to get my attention to the point where I couldn't ignore him anymore so i just said hi but he just completely ignored me and walked away without a word. it was a couple days later that he had texted me and asked and I quote "hey... how are you?" I just ignored him and deleted his number thinking that he would take a hint and leave me alone after that. I was wrong and it was months later that I got a text from an unknown number saying hi and that we should hang out again. I asked who it was and chad had said it was him and he couldn't believe that I didn't save his number (like are you kidding me). it took me a while to think about what I was going to say so that I could put it as nicely as possible (again now that I think about it I shouldn't have to be nice when he practically ignored my no over and over) and in the end I had said as nicely as I could that I was sure it was never his intention and I was sure that he was a nice guy but I didn't feel safe with him and couldn't hang out with him again. and that was that he stopped messaging me and I thought it would be that last I would hear from him. until recently like 2 weeks ago my sister had convinced me to get the dating app called hinge (on the app you can add pictures that people can like or comment on and prompts that can kind of describe who you are in a couple words which people can also comment on) and I got a notification that someone had liked me so I took a look and you can probably guess who it was, it was chad. I couldn't believe it, he really can't take no for an answer and it felt at that point that he would never really leave me alone. it's hard enough that he works at the tims closest to my home and work so I always avoid it but he seems to follow me on other apps where I would never think he'd show up on or at least thought he'd have the brains to leave me alone. what happened to me I keep thinking about what I could have done differently if I could have said something differently or done something differently but I know I wasn't wearing anything that would say I wanted it or doing anything too provocative. but the thing is that no matter what no is no and he should have respected that (not to mention that"hickey" he left was actually a bruise that lasted weeks). I am also not saying that what I went through is anything close to the assaults other women experience mine was just something that I should have known better than to put myself into but now that I have gone through it I know better. but I am defiantly more cautious of people who are like him because i am afraid that they would be just as aggressive as him. I hope that by sharing this it helps remind people that no matter what situation you are not the one at fault no should have meant no and to be able to move on and grow from it. bye bye for now.

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