I've always considered myself to be enough, I've never had the worry of not being good enough and I've never been insecure about my place in the world. But when you start to care for someone so far above you, someone royal, it turns out my place in the world isn't quite enough.


32. Thirty one

A few days later and my mum finally questions me on my mood. I was hoping she'd just ignore it and let it go as hormones, but she comes up into my room one day and sits on my bed.

"Hey." I say, holding out my bag of crisps to her. "Want one?" 

"Sure." she takes one and then looks at me. "So this is what you're doing now. Laying in bed, watching TV, eating snacks."

"It's the summer holidays, what else would I do?" I grin but she isn't buying it, I can tell by her face.

"If I remember correctly, last summer and most of this summer, you were obsessed with spending time with Charlie and all your friends."

"Yeah, well Charlie and I broke up." I say casually, eating more crisps to act like I don't care. It feels so wrong to say that sentence, Charlie and I broke up.

"Oh." my mum looks surprised. "I didn't see that coming. What happened?" 

I shrug. "It's a long story."

"Well, what about seeing your friends?" she suggests. 

"Like I said, it's a long story."

She sighs. "You can tell me things you know, Eve."

"I know." I promise. "I just like privacy."

She smiles. "I get that. Okay, I'll leave you to it."

"Love you." I call after her and she shouts it back.

Both my parents go out for dinner that night. I feel like my mum encouraged it to give me the privacy that I mentioned and to just give me a little space. I really don't want space though so James manages to get away and come over here. Sneaking out didn't work out the other night so I'm happy to see him tonight. He pulls me into a hug as soon as he gets there, kissing my cheek and my forehead and my lips. I laugh at him and he grins, putting his arms around my waist. 

"I've missed your face." he says and I laugh.

"I've missed your face too." I say and he smiles, kissing my forehead. 

We hang out normally for a little while but then we're kissing and things are moving very fast. Even though it's not the first time we've done this, it kind of feels like it is, but I don't want to hesitate, not with James. Everything was so mature and realistic with Charlie and I used to like that, but now I just want to live in the moment. I feel kind of bad for having a good time when I feel like I should still be feeling guilty but I push it to the back of my mind.

"When do your parents get home?" he asks as we lay in bed after. 

"Probably in about an hour." I say, glancing at the clock. I roll over onto my stomach and look at him. He really is beautiful with his hair all messy and his bright blue eyes. 

"How did I get so lucky?" he asks, cupping my face just as I'm thinking about how beautiful he is. 

"How did get so lucky?" I say and he laughs, ducking his head. I gasp. "Is that James being shy? The world must be coming to an end."

He makes a face at me but then grins. "Yeah I'm way out of your league. I'm royalty. You're just some filthy commoner."

"Yeah but what you don't know is I'm actually a spy and I'm on a mission to destroy the monarchy, so watch your back."

He laughs. "You'd be the worst spy in the world."

"No I wouldn't. I'd be a better spy than you."

"Who's the one who always sneaks out of their house to come here?" he raises his eyebrows, that smirk that he has on his face whenever we joke like this that I'm in love with. 

"Well I'd sneak out but how easy do you think it is for me to get into Buckingham Palace?" I point out and he chuckles, nodding. 

"We should sneak you in there one day. How fun would that be?" 

"So fun." I admit and then lay down again. I trace circles on his chest with my finger. "James?" 


I was going to bring up the whole thing where I feel guilty for having fun when we've hurt our friends, but I don't want to ruin the mood. It's so light right now and I've missed feeling this light. 

"Nothing." I say and he raises his eyebrows at me, smiling. 


"Yeah, nothing." I smile back, nonchalantly. 

"You're a liar." he grins and then pulls me close to him. "But if you say it's nothing I'll pretend to believe you."

"Thank you."

"I was gonna go back home but can I stay the night? I don't want to go." 

"I'd love that." I nestle closer to him. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a proper sixteen year old. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be, even if it didn't used to seem that way.

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