I've always considered myself to be enough, I've never had the worry of not being good enough and I've never been insecure about my place in the world. But when you start to care for someone so far above you, someone royal, it turns out my place in the world isn't quite enough.


42. Forty one

James is meant to be at my house a couple of nights later and he's over an hour late already so I decide to call him. He doesn't pick up the first time so I know he's mad with me. I just don't know why. He can't possibly know about the pregnancy, Charlie swore he wouldn't tell. He picks up the second time though, with a cold 'Hello'. 

"Hey. You were meant to be here an hour ago."

"I'm not coming." he says, all proud of himself. 

"And why would that be?" I say, sick of this fight already. 

"Maybe you need to start by explaining why you were seen going into Charlie's house last night and seen leaving this morning."

I close my eyes. How do I explain this to him honestly without it sounding like we were up to anything?

"Charlie and I made up."

"And you just had to stay the night?" 

"Yes, I stayed the night because that's how things are with him and I. Nothing happened, we're friends." I say even though I kind of feel like I'm lying. Honestly, Charlie and I could never be just friends, it's always going to be something more but I'm not going to do what I did last time. If I handle this at all, I'm going to do it well. That's the least of my worries right now anyway. 

"So you expect me to be okay with you spending the night in another man's bed?" 

I laugh. "For one, you aren't a man yet, let's be real. And yes you are meant to be okay with it because you're meant to trust me."

He just hangs up and I throw my phone down on my bed and go look in the mirror. I don't know why I'm looking at my stomach because obviously there's not going to be any changes but for some reason I'm already imagining a little baby in there even though it isn't one yet. If I were having this baby with Charlie, this would be different. Of course I don't really want to be a mother yet and it wouldn't be ideal, but I wouldn't want an abortion either if I knew I could raise the baby well. Charlie and I could. I wouldn't mind being pregnant, I wouldn't mind being a mother. We would make it work.

But with James and I, it is a completely different story. Having this baby wouldn't work between us because we're not serious enough. And a baby would mean we're linked together forever and I'm not sure I want that. I love being with him now but the thought of forever with him just isn't realistic. This whole thing with him just got way too real because of this and I don't like that and it's not even just that we fight, it's just us as a pair. We're good for now but that's it and now was always enough until that wasn't the only thing we had to consider. An abortion seems like the worst, most selfish thing in the world to do but I know in my heart it's the right thing.

I know I have to talk to James now but he ignores all my calls and texts and I can't exactly just go over to his house so I send him one last text:



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