No Matter What - Part 1

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  • Published: 13 Jun 2015
  • Updated: 17 Jun 2015
  • Status: Complete
George is diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a type of Autism. He has been going to a boy's boarding school since he was seven. The other boys bully him, and he can't control his emotions properly.

One day he meets the strange and mysterious Sam, the only boy he's really ever known who doesn't tease him or try to make him angry. So what will happen when George starts to fall for this wonderful and distant boy?

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9. Sam

I wander through the woods, turning over each question in my brain, looking for fire wood – even though I know there’s still a massive pile left. Should I keep trying? Should I give up, give in like I usually do? Do I want to hurt him? All these questions turning and churning and burning inside me! Why can’t I fight the way I feel when he’s near by my side? Do I want to? Would he want me to?

                I know I’ve been distant. I’ve been trying to fight myself. I guess that’s the way he feels with his Asperger syndrome.

I can’t. I can’t fight it anymore. I know I like him – way too much – and I can see he likes me, he doesn’t try to hide it. I don’t think he knows how. What’s the point? What’s the point in hiding? I’m already hiding everything of my existence from most of the world. Might as well share some things.

A wave of dizziness washes over me, and I can’t remember where I am. Why am I in the woods? Some small, conscious part of my brain wonders why my legs are still so strong. They’re shaking. I turn slowly, taking everything in. My mind is like treacle. I can’t seem to make my legs work. They’re stuck to the ground. I wobble precariously but don’t feel like I’m going to fall. I stare at my hands; they’re covered in something red and sticky. And it’s still oozing. They’re shaking too. They move in jerking, disconcerting movements, as if I’m a puppet. My stomach heaves, but my legs are stuck straight up, not letting me fall.

As I glance around once more, only to find my surrounding have changed. Subconsciously, I have moved forward. I’m still moving, gliding over the ground, not feeling a thing. I start running, regaining the control over my body. I realise the wind is blowing in my face. I focus on that. Oh. There’s a tree. I like trees. I find that my jaw hurts. I feel it. It feels alright… But there’s an odd noise, like hard things clacking against each other. I cringe as my teeth hit each other.

I need to get to him. Need to see his face. Only after a while of running do I realise how far I’ve come, and slow down to work out where I am. I’m usually good with directions, and I know I was walking in a straight line, but I can’t get my bearings. I catch a glimmer of firelight in the distance and bolt towards it. I break out of the trees at last and keep sprinting towards George.

                I pounce on him and we roll down the hill, laughing and whooping. I can see the relief plainly on his face: he thought he’d lost me. I know how he felt. I thought I’d lost him too. When we reach the bottom, we lay there for a while, gasping for air, and he puts his arms around me. It’s a simple gesture but it nearly makes me cry. No one’s hugged me like this for a long time. After a bit the ground grows a bit hard and cold so I decide it’s time to go back up the hill to check on the fire. I push myself up and hold out my hands to help George up. He pulls, but I’m not balanced yet and I go crashing down on top of him. At first I try to get up, ask if I hurt him, but he’s hugging me close and he is soft and warm.

                I relax, then suddenly his lips are on mine and the whole world bursts into fireworks and flame. I feel his body pressed under mine and I feel dizzy, with flashes of colour dancing everywhere. Somehow the ground doesn’t feel quite so cold or hard anymore. We break apart laughing and head back up the hill.

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