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In this Seth MacFarlane cartoon adaption of 'Toy Story 2', Woody (Glenn Quagmire) is kidnapped by Al McWhiggin (Adam West) and Buzz Lightyear (Cleveland Brown) and his friends organizes a rescue mission.
But will Buzz and his team find their missing friend? And will Woody ever want to go back, with the stake of his new friends at risk of going back into storage?

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5. Why do the Toys Cross the Road?

Nightfall hit the town and Buzz Lightyear was still walking and alert. Sadly, the same couldn’t be said for his team. They were still walking but were tired and barely focusing.
   When Buzz saw their progress, he decided to hide behind a bin and wait for them. “Come on, guys, some time tonight!” he snapped.
   “I’m tired and hungry!” moaned Potato Head, when he caught up with Buzz.
   “We stopped at MacDonald’s ten minutes ago, Potato Head,” said Buzz. “And you ate a dozen boxes of chips – large. So you should be full of energy. If not, you should cut down then.”
   “May I point out, Buzz, that I’m a dog, not a horse,” said Slinky, as he joined them. “And I can’t keep this up.”
   Rex and Hamm agreed as they joined the gang.
   “Come on, fellas,” said Buzz. “Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket?”
   “No,” replied the toys.
   “And did he give up when you threw him out of that moving van?” went on Buzz.
   “Oh, you had to bring that up,” muttered Potato Head.
   “And the answer to the next question: No,” said Rex.
   “He didn’t ask that question,” Slinky told him. “So why did you ‘answer’ that?”
   “I just thought he was gonna ask about the time we tricked Woody into having sex with a doll who was gay and he didn’t give up,” replied Rex.
   “Only cause we didn’t tell him that bitch was gay,” added Hamm.
   “Look, my point is we have a friend in need and we will not rest until he’s safe in Andy’s room!” Buzz declared. “Now, let’s move!”

 


All night long, Buzz and his rescue team were following the map. They came to a building and stopped when water was shooting out of the outside pipe. Out of it came Marlin and Dory. They coughed and spluttered.
   “What’s a couple of fish like you doing in those pipes full of hot water?” asked Buzz.
   “Being tropical fish from the Barrier Reef,” said Marlin, “I think we need hot water. Get it?”
   “No, I don’t get it,” said Hamm. “Even in our series, for a clownfish, you’re not very funny.” 
   “Have any of you guys seen a cowboy doll around?” asked Buzz.
   “Have any of you guys seen his son, Crap-o?” asked Dory.
   “Nemo!” snapped Marlin. “It’s Nemo, you brainless, forgetful, dyslexic twit!”
   Dory looked around. “Sorry,” she said to Marlin. “Who were you calling a brainless, forgetful, dyslexic twit?”
   “Never mind, Dory,” Marlin sighed. “Let’s just find my son.” And they were washed to the drain.
   They toys moved on.

 


They were moving on the streets when toy versions of Michael Scofield and Lincoln Burrows bumped into them.
   “There are a bunch of cops after us!” cried Burrows.
   “Don’t tell them where we are,” said Scofield.
   And the brothers went into a large metal garbage can.
   “Oh, and could you tell us when the coast is clear?” said Scofield before putting the lid on top of them.
   Buzz saw a squad of police dolls coming towards him. “Hey, you haven’t seen these guys, have you?” asked the chief, showing them a reward poster with Scofield and Burrows with their heads on them.
   “Yeah, we have – ” Rex was muffling when Potato Head held his mouth.
   “No,” Buzz lied. “What my green buddy thought was that he saw two skinheads in a bar that looked like those two.”
   The Police Chief looked closely at him and nodded. “All right, guys, let’s move!” he shouted to his squad and on they went.
   “All right, gang, let’s move!” yelled Buzz. He saw that there was only Potato Head, Hamm and Rex. “Slinky? Come here, boy. Slinky!”
   They all turned around to see Slinky Dog licking tongues with the real version of Lassie the collie dog.
   “Are you all alone, Yorkshire babe?” said Slinky, putting on his ‘cool’ attitude on. “Well, here’s one brave, strong, slinky – ”
   “Dog, come on!” snapped Buzz, dragging Slinky away. Then he turned to Lassie. “Ma’am, if you’re still lost when we find our friend, we’ll help you get back to your owner, I promise.” And they were gone, leaving poor Lassie in the street once again.
   “Hey, guys, is the coast clear yet?” asked Scofield’s voice. Then the can was picked up by a garbage truck.


Buzz and the toys were chopping their way through a big bush early the next morning. After he chopped his thirty-seventh branch, he heard screaming. He looked down to see he nearly squashed Flik and Heimlich on a fallen branch.
   “Hey, watch it!” cried Flik.
   “Ja!” snapped Heimlich. “Watch it!”
   “Sorry, guys,” said Buzz. “I should’ve remembered. The outtakes after the movie. Those weren’t even real outtakes!”
   “Hey, guys, why do the toys cross the road?” asked Hamm.
   “To get to the chicken of the other side?” said Slinky. “It’s from the movie. You don’t need to be Frank Gorshin or Jim Carrey to work that riddle out.”
   “And Jim Carrey doesn’t always have to where this mask either,” chuckled a doll version of the Mask, walking away.
   Buzz and his team saw that Hamm was right and Al’s Toy Barn was on the other side of the road. Then they saw the rough traffic passing by.
   “We’ll have to cross,” said Buzz.
   “But how?” asked the toys.
   Potato Head looked up. “Hey, Millennium Falcon!” he cried, waving his arms in the air. But the toy Millennium Falcon flew away.
   “Hey, can you give us a ride, Mr. Bond?” Slinky called to the sky.
   A Sean Connery James Bond doll was flying in the sky in a Little Nellie autogyro toy.
   “Sorry, can’t stop!” cried Bond. “I’ve got to stop an evil Blofeld doll from destroying the world.”
   “We’ll have to get across ourselves,” said Buzz. He looked around and had an idea.


Minutes later, the traffic lights turned to red.
   “Okay,” said Buzz’s voice. “We’re good to go. Go!”
   Then everything appeared to be calm, steady and quiet. Then a light blue car had to slide away into a drive-in entrance hitting a spike strip. It got hit by a white pick-up truck. It was a bunch of traffic cones that forced those vehicles to move.
   Could traffic cones cause an accident? Well, moving traffic cones can! And those cones are moving cones.
   “Drop!” ordered Buzz’s voice. The cones dropped.
   “Gosh!” cried Peter Venkman in the Ecto-1. “Can’t we ever get a smooth drive here?”
   “I think those moving cones… could be ghosts!” exclaimed Ray Stanz as he braked hard.
   Venkman, Ray, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddmore got out of Ecto-1 and turn on their proton packs. They looked around and found nothing suspicious.
   “I can’t seem to trace anything,” said Egon, holding his P.K.E. Meter.
   “Then why do we still use these things, man?” demanded Zeddmore.
   No one noticed the moving the cones, except a semi-trailer who tried to steer out of the way. And it did, but it was all twisted. And the chains holding a large pipe snapped!
   But that didn’t stop the moving cones, except one who had one blue plastic shoe stuck in some chewing gum on the road! The figure inside the cone tried to pull the shoe out.
   “Come on! Come on!” the figure’s voice shouted.
   He managed to get the shoe out and managed to avoid the pipe just in time. When the cone reached the other end of the street, the figure who took it off was Potato Head.
   “Ah, that went well,” Potato Head sighed. “I believe my take of being under the cone nearly getting crushed by the pipe was just as good as the movie.”
   “Wow! Look at all those cars,” pointed out Slinky. The whole street was full of traffic-jammed cars.
   “I bet the Toy Story movies have more car-crashing scenes than the whole James Bond series, the entire career of Vic Armstrong and the entire collection of Looney Tunes’ Acme explosions put together.”
   “Yeah, we know these movies like the hairs of our own asses,” said Buzz. “Now we’re that much closer to Woody.” All the toys headed straight for Al Toy’s Barn.
   But if they did know the movies so well, they wouldn’t have made the same mistake the toys did in the movie by crossing the road because they were already on the side of the road that Al’s Penthouse was where Woody was held.

 


The doorbell rang at Al’s Penthouse. He opened the door and Geri the cleaner appeared.
   “Thank goodness you’re here!” exclaimed Al excitedly.
   “Just like I promised,” said Geri. “Now is that lucky son of a bitch ready for cleaning?”
   Geri got his cleaning case and everything ready. “Had a quick game of chest today,” he said.
   “With who?” asked Al.
   “With myself,” replied Geri.
   “With yourself?” laughed Al.
   “Yeah, haven’t you seen the Pixar short, Geri’s Game?” asked Geri. “Or do you only watch your version of Batman and only the media you starred in?”
   Then Geri took Woody from his glass case and put him in a chair. He took the hat off and put on a hat stand. Then the old cleaner put on his glasses and lifted Woody’s chair high enough for him to work.
   “So how long is this going to take?” asked Al.
   “You can’t rush art,” said Geri. “Practise your patience, young man!”
   “Patience? Hah!” scoffed Al. “My life is being wasted every second of my life just by waiting for you just to clean this pathetic toy.”
   But Geri wasn’t listening. He was busy fixing Woody’s arm back on, cleaning his boots, washing his pants and his shirt, putting a clean condom on and cleaning him all over. Soon the cowboy doll was like when he was first made back in the 1950s.
   Geri put Woody back in his glass case. “He’s for display only,” Geri told Al. “You handle him too much, he’s not gonna last. Unlike me.”
   The old cleaner looked at Al like a seductive prostitute. Al quickly worked it out.
   “No, thank you, sir,” said Al, pushing Geri and his cleaning case to the door. “Here is your five hundred dollars as promised and my many thanks.” He shut him out.
   “And now, back to where we was last night,” said Al to the toys.
   And soon Al was going mad with shooting Woody and his roundup gang with his camera. “It’s like printing my own money,” he chuckled to himself. “And printing my own fame.” Then his phone rang. “Yeah? What is it?” he snapped. “Oh, Mr. Konishi! I’m sorry! I thought it was one of my employees giving me more problems. You of all people know what it’s like. But anyway I have the photos right now…”
   He shut the door behind him.
   Woody and his roundup gang came to life.
   “If I weren’t a toy, I’d say modelling and posing was hard work,” moaned Bullseye.
   Woody was very pleased with his new arm and for feeling like brand new. “Look at me! It’s like I’ve just had a massage, a facial and a surgery, only better!”
   “Great! Now you can go!” snapped Jessie. Then she walked away.
   “Well, what a good idea!” Woody snapped back. “In fact, that’s the best idea you’ve had since you’ve come out of storage!”
   “Woody,” said Stinky Pete. “You shouldn’t be mad at Jessie like that. You don’t know not one bit, let alone half, of what she’s been through.”
   “What am I suppose to do?” asked Woody. “Go and find out what she has been through and make up before I go?”
   “I don’t know,” said Stinky Pete. “I just wished we’d get to the end where everyone discovers I’m the main villain in the film.”
   Woody decided to go and speak to Jessie anyway.
   “You know,” she said, “these buildings didn’t used to be this high before the last time I was put away into darkness. I don’t suppose I’ll never know what these buildings will be like for the next… forever, maybe.”
   “I’m really sorry about this, Jessie,” sighed Woody. “But I have to go back. If you knew Andy…”
   “I suppose he’s a really special kid,” said Jessie, “and when you’re with him, even though you’re not moving, you feel alive because that’s he sees you.”
   “How do you know that?” gasped Woody.
   “Because Emily was just the same,” replied Jessie. “She was my whole world.”

 


With the song When She Loved Me playing in her head, Jessie was remembering her time with her owner Emily. How Emily was a huge fan of Woody’s Roundup and she and Jessie were best friends and they always played together. Always that is, until Jessie was slid down under the bed. As the years went by, she became very dusty and dirty. She watched Emily very day and night, having sleepovers, partying with her friends and remembering all her boyfriends more than Emily ever could.
   Then one day Jessie was picked up by Emily. After a quick clean up, Jessie was with Emily once again after who-knows-how-long. They were in the car. Then they stopped. Emily put a limp Jessie in a cardboard box. Then she came to life and saw Emily drive away in her car.

 


“You never forget kids like Emily or Andy, but they forget you,” sobbed Jessie.
   “Jessie, if you told me this in the first place, I wouldn’t have given you such – ”
   “Just go,” she sobbed quietly.
   Woody sighed and made his way down to the air vent. He unscrewed the screws and lifted the grate up.
   “You really want to think about this, Woody,” said Stinky Pete. “Do you really think Andy is gonna take you to college or on his honeymoon?
   “Not to mention your nervous breakdown when he got excited about your wasn’t-you-pal-then Buzz Lightyear,” Bullseye pointed out. “Al should’ve kidnapped you years ago.”
   “It’s your choice, Woody,” said Stinky Pete. “You can go back or you can stay with us and last forever. You’ll be adored by children for all generations.”
   “And who will bring them to the museum? Their mothers!” exclaimed Bullseye. “Imagine how hot they will be! If they are not old, that is.”
   “And you’ll be photographed by them,” added Stinky Pete. “Imagine all the fame!”
   Woody pondered all of this and looked through the vent.
   “Who am I to break up the roundup gang?” he said, as he put the grate down. Stinky Pete and Bullseye were relieved.
   Jessie looked at Woody and she seemed happier. And they both smiled, beginning to understand each other.

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