All out of Haagen Dazs - A Mortereeqi Fanfic

Jambareeqi is out of ideas for movie reviews, so he calls up an old enemy -- Morteus the mockbuster demon. Can Morteus ever forgive his ex-senpai? Will James finally return Morteus' affections? Read on to find out.


1. Where's my Strawberry Ice Cream?

Broken hearts need time to heal, as well as a lot of Haagen Dazs. 

So you can imagine why it was quite distressful for a certain heartbroken skull head when, one morning, he discovered that he was out of his favourite brand of strawberry ice cream. Although it had been a month since his senpai had rejected him, he continued to binge on romantic comedies and desert even to that day. His last small tub of it had vanished (in other words, the greedy pig had devoured the whole thing in one viewing of Friends With Benefits) and the demon was in desperate need of some more. He sighed as he realised he would have to leave his house for the first time in two weeks to get another six tubs. Morteus was just about to leave when he heard a knock on the door.


"H...hello?" he asked the closed door as he approached it. More knocking came from the other side. Morteus used his satanic levitation powers to lift the door knob and open his front door. What stood in front of him, frankly, was unbelievable. A tall, brown haired young man in a red fedora. This was the unmistakable image of Jambareeqi, former senpai of our favourite demonic skullface.


"Hi Morteus." Jambareeqi said in a reluctant, exasperated tone, his palm covering his entire face.


"S...senpai!" Morteus stuttered. James looked up at last and revealed his expression to be less than pleased.


"It's me. Look, I don't want to cause a fuss. However, I've run out of movies. I need that other movie you mentioned last time you haunted me for a review." he explained, walking inside.


"Oh...oh." Mortius replied, his excitement fading as he closed the door. "Yeah. Sure. Wait, how did you get here? I live in hell." Morteus asked. Jambareeqi rolled his eyes and replied


"I'm a youtube personality. Me and Luce are on first-name-terms now." 




"Lucifer. I would have thought that living in this place, you would've gotten to know him personally." James added , oddly matter-of-factly. Morteus sighed, old memories coming back in a flash.


"He was my old senpai, but I got tired of him fast. He's such a workaholic!" he replied. "I can't believe you would like him, though. I mean, he's such a slag."


"I never said I liked him." Jambareeqi shot back defensively. "And who are you to be insulting him behind his back?"


"I knew you had a thing with him!"


"What the hell are you talking about? I told you already, I have a girlfriend. No exceptions."


"I suppose you think of him when you talk to her."


"No, I don't! Look, would you just give me the movie? I was only joking, anyway. I just had to pay the ferryman, it's not hard to get in here as a mortal, surprisingly enough."


"What did you pay him with?" Morteus asked accusingly, glaring at James.


"Money." James replied exasperatedly, rolling his eyes once more. He heard what he assumed to be the TV, and looked over at it. "Is that Ron Jeremy?"


"Never mind that!" Morteus said, hastily shutting off the TV. "Don't you want to stay for some tea?"


"Definitely not. Look, what was the movie?" James asked irately, getting more frustrated by the second.


"I don't think you'll like it."


"I don't give a shit about what it is, just give me the damn movie already!"


"Fine, fine." Mortius disappeared for a few seconds into a back room before coming out and revealing his chosen movie. His red and black magical aura carried the movie and James was shocked to see it was Tiny Cyborgs; the first ever mockbuster of a mockbuster. Evidently, the immense backlash of Tiny Robots created a reason to compete for awfulness. This was like seeing a piece of shit taking a shit. It was horrific. But there it was, and James had no other options.


"No. No no no no no. I can't, Mortius."


"Oh, well. I'm afraid I can't help you. I mean, there is the God of Movies next door and he does owe me a favour, but seeing as you rejected me I don't think I want to help you."


"But I need a movie, Season 11 is starting next week!"


"Hmm. Well, how about a favour for a favour? I've always liked a bit of trading."


"Sure, whatever you need. I just need a movie. Well, unless..." James began, but he soon realised what he had just done. He was sure that, if Mortius had skin and muscles, he would be smirking now. He looked like he was permanently grinning, but his tone of voice made things very clear what he had in mind when he said


"I'm sure we something out...heh."


"I...have" James attempted weakly. Mortius simply continued grinning, being a skull, as he advanced towards his now very nervous senpai.



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