"Sad stuff makes beautiful poetry, but it's not so pretty to live with." [-Merecat]
*For the Dear Diary Competition*
(I recommend anything beyond 'Tumbling Ash' for the rest is a mess of nonsense words that hold no character, no story and absently fill the page)


7. A Letter To Sage


This is completely out of format and out of the blue. But after a reasonable argument with a friend of mine (name changed for safety), I wanted to write a letter. A normal, original letter in my own voice from my heart and from my torn-up emotions.

To explain, a boy spoke to me (see previous entry) who basically has not spoken to me or Sage for about six months, maybe a little more. She is worried she'll push him away like last time but she also hates him for leaving us. It's a little complicated, but then what isn't?

So, Sage, here is my letter to you.


Dear Sage,

I'm sick. Not sick as in vomiting, I'm sick as in I'm sick of you. Of this. Of your feelings.

This will sound so harsh, all of it, but I'm saying this as your friend. As someone who cares about you, as someone who is here for you, as someone who knows you far too well. Everything I write is true but I want you to consider this as help, not as an expressive way to scream at you about all the things you've done wrong. Because despite this being my therapeutic way to release my feelings, I'm not mad. I'm not annoyed or angry or sorrowful. I just feel as if we are standing behind two windows, and mine is clear but yours is misty. You can't see through yours, all there is are distorted blurs that make a tiny bit of sense.

Now, I need you to remember something. This is reality. We are not trapped in the wonderful world of a film or video or a book. You see, people write to create a different world. A world where they can transport themselves and be amongst somewhere they can connect with, where they can control the people and the scenery and the actions. They have full control over the plot line. When people write, they have an absurd ability to submerge themselves in this world and momentarily forget about reality. Writing is not reality. Reality is not like those stereo-typical books with the boys falling for girls and the late night parties and the kissing and the sweet love from boyfriends and girlfriends and families and friends.

Reality is also not like films. When acting, actors are placing themselves in another person's mind and body. They are acting out a story, playing a character, all the while with the idea that they need to do justice to the person they are playing. Actors have the absurd ability to submerge themselves in someone else's ideas and thoughts and actions, to create and act a new personality. When acting, actors do not focus on reality. They focus on the story, on the other characters, on the director and all the pre planned lighting and staging and movements. Films are not reality. Reality is not like those stereo-typical films just like the books.

You see, I know you're aware of reality. I think you try to act like it'll be like the films and books because you want to escape the claws of the real world. That's fine. It's normal. But not when you start to forget about what the real world can do to you, and not when you forget about the future of reality.

As far as I know, you don't like the future. Not many people do in all honesty, it's one of the only things no one has any control over. Not liking the future is fine, but when you start to become so obsessed with the past that you block out all ideas of the future, something is wrong. You like to dwell in past memories, in moments that have already happened. You like to imagine, to remember, what they were like and how you felt so happy. Like you never wanted to leave. Your obsession with the past, with old photos and old memories, is growing far too strong. Any ideas of the future are being tossed away, thrown into the hole of forget and later regret.

You need to understand that people don't want to talk to you, to interact and move with you, because you are so far into the past. Memories were just the past future. The future will become the past. If you hate people, if you push them away, then they won't want to spend their future with you. They don't want to create memories with you. You're sending obvious signals to leave, to go away, and they're obeying. You just don't realise you are sending those signals.

In all honesty, Sage, you're incredibly selfish. You wanted to understand yourself and your personality, so I'm telling you quite bluntly. You are selfish.

You constantly worry if people are thinking about you. What did you do wrong? Why did they walk out on you? You forget it isn't just you that is struggling. You forget that it isn't just you who cannot deal with other people, who are breaking just the same as you are. If a marble statue is knocked over and has a crack, putting a plaster over the crack doesn't make it go away. It just covers it until someone takes it off. If the marble statue (metaphorically) helps up another statue that has been knocked over, it doesn't make the crack or the plaster go away. In fact, they're probably so tired from hauling up the other statue that there is another crack.

The issue is, you're giving in to your illness. You are letting it define you. I struggled for a long time to stop my mental illness defining me, and I managed to get through. I'm not confident. I still have no self-esteem. But, I am me and I don't let anyone think about my mental illness before they think of my name. You need to start doing the same and letting you become you. 

I must admit, blaming everything on your illness can be very easy. It's a lot easier then to fight it, but life isn't easy. The world isn't easy. Reality isn't easy. You can put everything down to your illness, all your emotions and actions and words, but if you're letting the illness define you, then you are the illness. You're still blaming yourself. You can say that your mind is saying one thing and your heart another, but you have control. Your heart and your mind are part of you. You have no one and nothing to blame so don't turn to blame as an excuse.

Not everyone thinks in the way you do. Everyone's mind is different. You like psychology! People are so complex, and not even the smartest person in the entire universe can figure them out. Just because you constantly think about someone, doesn't mean they're going to constantly think about you. It doesn't work that way. If you think everyone thinks the way you think, you have another thing coming.

Now you have a choice. You can either continue to submerge yourself in the past and float amongst abandoned memories no one wants to remember, or you can move forwards to the future and create better memories that you will never forget. In ten years time, do you want to look back and think 'how did I let myself become so obsessed with the past' or do you want to think 'wow, I managed to get up and move and I am so thankful I did'? Life is going to be hard, and if you get so upset over being hurt, then you won't survive. Everybody hurts everyone, they might not know it, but everyone does. It's just something that has to be dealt with and learnt.

So, when you've gotten to grips with reality and you show your illness who is in control, then come speak to me about this again. But until you do that, you can't come to me to cry on. I'm trying to pick myself up but all you're doing is dragging me down and somehow I need to stand on my feet without you clinging to my ankles.

Stay strong and find reality,



-Friday 29th May

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