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1. [One]

As you scan your eyeballs across the page, screen or whatever you're reading this on (what kind of word is eyeballs. Are those like testicles on an eye?), you might be thinking... Why is this called '[Insert Title Here]' (or you might not be thinking that at all. For all I know you could be thinking something completely different)? Well my friendly 16 year old girl or 69 year old pedophile, this book has this title because I want you to use your imaginations for once... You know... Not having everything spoon fed to you. If you're a stale plank of wood and can't think of your own title, let me give you a few examples:

The ________ Adventures of Tyrone Ridland

Tyronne Ridland and the ________ _______

Or it could simply be

Tyronne Ridland (if you're too stupid to figure out why I added a load of lines I'm asking you to fill in the blanks you dopey fucks)

So, as you pretty people would've guessed, my unfortunate name is *drum roll*...... Tyrone Ridland *slow clap and a background voice saying 'wow no shit Sherlock'*

I'm a 15 year old human male, I'm an only child and at the moment my parents have just split it... Well... Foster parents anyway. My real folks aren't particularly familiar to me, they just didn't want me I suppose. Anyway enough of that negativity. What else? Oh right, when I was born, genetics said 'let's give this freak a height equivalent to Bigfoot and while we're at it. Let's add GIANT FUCKING EYEBROWS'. Then again, it could be worse (maybe that why my real parents dumped me at a foster home, who would want a kid with eyebrows thicker than a sharpie marker)

My home life consists of me staying in my room all day on tumblr. In reality I'm not considered the most liked person in the world, mainly because of my friends but we'll get to them in a bit. However on the internet, I have friends here there and everywhere. I started an art blog on tumblr(not hentai) because of my love for drawing and already I have a shitload of followers(not a big fan of gloating but this is a big achievement for me).

Art and creativity play a huge part in my life, when I'm drawing I actually feel... Not empty, (if that's a good way to put it). But in general, I'm quite happy with myself.

Now... School... Not my favourite place in the world, then again... When has school been called ANYONE's favourite place? I'm surprised my neck isn't aching because of the amount of times I have to look down to talk to someone (tall people problems am I right?). But even though I'm not school's number one fan, at least I have friends... Well, I say friends.... I mean a circus of retards.

Let's start with Pablo, a weird, non-human specimen of this world. His annoying high-pitched voice is enough to make you want to punch him in the face. He's obsessed with making friends and tags along with any poor soul who even walks past him, even though they always ignore his existence.

Next there's Mildred, the nerdy but sassy girl of our group. She's obsessed with bananas and becoming a police woman or anything to do with law that is. Every time you look at here you're bound to see at least one banana drawn on either her face or hands.

Then, there's Kyle and Jason (or Kason). The gay couple (I ship them so much). I don't know if I'm just jumping to conclusions, but I think they use bananas to do other stuff than eating them when they go to the 'toilets'. Imagine every smutty gay fan-fiction you've read... Ok, now take all those sex-obsessed characteristics, double them and pour them into the bodies of human beings. That's Kyle and Jason in a fabulous nutshell. They're constantly fondling each other and making out when it's necessary or not. They don't care at all where they are, they turn full 50 Shades in any situation, with innuendos here and innuendos there.

Finally, there's Johnny, A.K.A my best friend. Let's just say that he's... Flirty... VERY flirty. He can be called a failed manwhore. I mean, he's a slut but... He's just a creepy bastard. His parents -apparently-don't trust him with money so he hangs around a dark alleyway selling eggplants to everyone (where he gets them is beyond me). He's obsessed with being a kitchen stripper when he's older (whatever that means) and always brings 'flans' in our conversation.

And there you have it, my friends. A friendless specimen, a sassy nerd, a smutty gay couple and a failed manwhore. My friendship group in one sentence. I'm pretty abnormal myself but compared to all the asylum escapees I call my mates, I'm quite normal. All that sexual stuff isn't really appealing to me at the moment, I want to achieve my goals in life before actually maintaining a relationship with anybody.

I walk to school in a hurry since I'm already 15 minutes late for registration, I catch up with my friends who stand by the gates. Mildred sighs and approaches me

'We've been waiting for you!' She exclaims

'I know I know let's just go inside' I groan, followed by Kyle saying 'I can go well inside if you know what I mean'

As I part with my mates and enter home room I receive a detention from my tutor after school, but I dust it off like its nothing. I sit at the back of the room and wait until the bell goes for lesson one.

First I go to History (which wasn't interesting enough to talk about), then... English, it's an ok subject I guess, if you count having a dickhead of a substitute teacher fun. Our original teacher was sacked after Kimberly Miles found weed and a load of hardcore porn DVD's in his desk whilst trying to hack the school computer to change her grades. So until we get a proper English teacher, we have some old guy who's skin colour is practically red from all the shouting and burning up he does. I can tell he hates me, just like every other teacher in this school. My table is on the opposite of my friends who are sat altogether (as if that's fair to me) while I sit with Damion Whitefield, my former best friend who abandoned me for the popular kids in the first year of secondary school after getting 'too weird' from hanging out with Johnny and the rest of it, there's Julia Simons who I'm surprised isn't dead due to the fact that nobody can locate where her brain is, the only activity that she does is twirl her hair and stare at the bored with a dumb blonde look on her face. And then there's a few other insignificant people who I can't be bothered describing.

Suddenly, a note appears in front of me with the name 'Ty-Hoe-Ne' (my slut name given by Kason) folded very neatly if I may say so myself. I open the note up to see a picture of what I assume is me being compared to the Empire State Building with a.... Dick drawn the top with an arrow pointing to it saying 'Empire Dick Building'. I glance at Kyle who bites his lip and wink at me.

'AHEM,' my English teacher clears his throat, slamming his unnaturally long ruler on my table. He snatches the note from my table and looks at me with disappointment 'doing inappropriate drawings AGAIN are we Mr Ridland'

I huff and glare back at Kason who are trying to contai their laughter, only to hear a ruler slam on the desk again

'MR RIDLAND!!! WOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE, I DONT WANT TO HEAR THE SAME EXCUSE 'it wasn't me. It was whoever' YOU ARE COMING TO SEE ME STRAIGHT AFTER CLASS'

My English teacher turns his back on me, giving me the opportunity to stick my middle finger up at him, after that I proceed to give my friends the look of death only to see Kason playing truth or dares, Pablo poking Johnny (who is busy rolling up his sleeves) and giggling at the fact that Mildred is drawing a banana on his face with a permanent marker. How they get away with all this stuff is beyond my knowledge.

Finally, after another 50 minutes of Julia Simons complaining about how 'she doesn't get it' and that kid at the other end of the table throwing rubbers at me (ending up with me throwing a textbook at his face. Giving him a nosebleed and my English Teacher phoning home) I get through another 10 minutes of Mr Prick English teacher screaming down my ear and droning on about how drawing crude things in class and throwing textbooks at students are not accepted on the school premises bladebladebla... Then the same thing he says every time he gives me an earfull which is 'you have serious behavioural problems'. I don't like how he uses that phrase so loosely. Sure, I'm not a saint, I've gotten into a few fights (maybe few is a bit of a under kill), destroyed school property (by accident) and I'm not doing the best in school but I wouldn't class that as having 'behavioural problems'. That doesn't matter to me anyway, at least I don't have to pretend to stare at his ugly face until the next English lesson. On the way out I pass Englebert Schneider, who has tear marks on his face

'Hey Engle-' I greet but don't get the reply I want

'FUCK OFF EYEBROW FAG!' He snaps before pacing at the other end of the hall. I don't particularly feel offended by people's comments on my thick eyerbrows, I've gotten used to it somehow. Englebert must still be heartbroken after being rejected by Francesca Ecklestein because she didn't like his name.

My friends stand by the entrance of the cafeteria, that's where we usually hang out at first break since I don't like standing in the hallways... They're... Kind of cramped. We sit at our seats, me still glaring at Kason after they got me in trouble. Kyle turns round

'What are you staring at sugar lumps. You're not hitting on me again are you?' He asks.

'You got me in trouble with Mr Tomato Head. Why do you think I'm staring at you?'

'Oh don't be a daisy downer we were just having fun'

Jason appears behind Kyle with his lips pouted 'TONS of fun'

Johnny peers over my shoulder and points at something

'Hey Tyrone check that girl staring at you over there' he whispers. I circuit my head and see a girl looking in my direction

'So what, she's a girl looking my way no big deal-'

'Bro. She fucking wants you,' he says, dragging out his words 'she's looking at you like you are awesome'

'Shes staring into space with a neutral expression on her face. There's nothing special about that. Anyway, she'd never go for a guy like m-'

'STOP BEING EMO YOU PUSSY AND TALK TO HER!'

'I don't even know her'

'I don't care. Her names probably Kate or something'

I don't know why but I stand up and walk up to the girl. Approaching her I realise my 'staring into space' theory was right since she didn't look up at all until I said

'Hey'

She gives me a confused smile and a raised eyebrow

'Do I know you?' She asks. All of a sudden, my stomach turns to dust, my heart's pounding. Why am I doing this? I don't like the girl that much. I don't even know her for Pete's sake. I stutter, trying to make up some words to say to her. Johnny jumps behind me and says

'Tell her you love her'

'No'

'Tell her you want her'

'Go away'

'Are you ok?' The girl asks.

'Tell her you want to go to a hotel and fu-'

'PISS OFF JOHNNY!!!' I shout. The girl leans back in fright, grabs her bag and exits the cafeteria without batting a single eye. 'No wait don't go. It's just my friend Joh-' but the girl obviously wasn't listening. I elbow Johnny in the stomach and head back to my seat, where I find Pablo clinging on to Jason's leg

'Pablo, get the fuck off me!'

'WHEEEEEEEEEEE' Pablo yells and he giggles like a maniac. Jason shakes his leg and begs Kyle -who was filming the whole thing- to help him. 'KYLE YOU SLUT HELP ME. I DONT WANT TO GET PABLO GERMS!'

Pablo spots me and scrambles to his feet and points at the banana on his cheek

'LOOK WHAT MILDRED DREW ON ME' he squeals excitedly. I squint my eyes in bafflement and nod slowly

'Thats... Amazing Pablo' I say with a fake smile before Mildred puts her arm on my shoulder! scaring me out of my skin

'Isnt it just' she sighs proudly 'how was your chat with red head'

'Meh the usual, the same old 'you have problems' and 'I'm going to rings your parents after this' nothing new'

Mildred sneers and carries on caking her face.

'You look like MirandaSings with all that lipstick' I scoff. Mildred looks me dead in the eye

'You have such a way with women.' She laughs sarcastically and looks back at Pablo who is on Kyles back

'PABLO, GET OFF ME BEFORE I PUT YOUR HEAD THROUGH A FUCKING WALL' Kyle shouts.

'Strange creature' I say under my breath. Mildred sniggers

'Aren't we all,' silence breezes past us as we watch Kyle kick the living shit out of Pablo. 'Did you hear about the new girl?' Mildred asks. I shake my head

'No and honestly I don't care. It's just going to be a girl who plays all innocent and then reveals her true colours in a matter of months.'

'Bit quick to judge don't you think'

'Why would I care anyway? It's not like she would actually become friends with us. I mean have you seen how weird we are?' I question rhetorically as I hear Jason cheering on Kyle

'DRAG HIM!'

'I know how strange our friendship group is Tyrone, don't act like you're the only one who acknowledges it'

The bell goes for lesson 3... Art. My favourite lesson, to make it better, I don't have my dickhead friends to annoy me... Apart from Johnny.

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