I wish I had never woken up with amnesia (Michael Clifford)

Some people wish to wake up with amnesia so they can forget about how much they are hurting.

All I wish is that I could have remembered .... Remembered that he had hurt me. That way I would never have fallen in love with him again

To know him, is to love him. But I never knew that Michael was the person who could love me and break me into thousand pieces at the same time

©All rights reserved


34. 31

One week later 


 I sit on my suitcase to try and close it as Laura pushes down whilst Maddison tries to do the zip up 


"Bloody hell have you packed everything you own?" Laura laughs and I blush

"I think I may have got a little carried away but I didn't want to leave anything behind" I try and defend myself 

"My mom and Ken are going to have my computer and television and I was just thinking of giving my CD player to a charity shop. The bed, wardrobe and other things are going into storage" I look at the guitar Michael gave me but that's staying here, Maddison has promised to look after it, although she did threaten to set fire to it, I'm pretty sure she was joking. I hope she was joking anyway


"I wish you would have let us throw you a going away a party" Laura pouts and I jump off the suitcase 

"I don't know enough people to have a party, besides you've come back for night and we are going to karaoke with my nearest and dearest. That's a perfect goodbye, That's what I want" I open my arms and we stand in the middle of my bedroom having a group hug. Maddison pulls away and grabs a bottle of champagne off the windowsill


"Right lets all get ready and go party" she says whilst popping the cork and we all cheer. My last night in Australia. It seems so surreal 


When we get to the pub I'm greeted by my mom and Ken 

"You could have chosen somewhere a little classier, These are expensive shoes and this floor is filthy" My mom scolds and I roll my eyes 

"Thank you both for coming it means a lot"

Mom takes a tissue out of her pocket and dabs the tears away from her eyes 

"Stop it Chloe, I still feel you are too young to be going and I'm not happy about it so lets not talk about it until I'm drunk" she sniffs and I smile 

"OK fine, We don't have to talk about it. I love you both" I look at her and ken and he winks at me. I leave them to talk to auntie Maureen and I walk over to the bar. Luke turns around and hands me a vodka and lemonade 

"Thank you, I need this" I say dramatically and he laughs. Ashton and Calum join us and I look around

"Hes not coming, It would be too hard. I'm sorry, we did try" Calum says sadly and I try to hide my disappointment 

"oh, No. I get it, its fine. I totally understand" I bite my lip and hope I don't cry yet 

"so whats the plan? Tell us everything" Ashton changes the subject and I smile thinking about it 

"First stop is new york then I was thinking maybe Vegas, Then I want to visit Canada and then maybe England. I'm not sure though, I also want to visit japan so I might just see what happens as I go along. Wherever the wind takes me is that the saying?"

"So when do you think you will be back here?" Luke asks and I shrug 

"I honestly don't know, I was maybe thinking of travelling for a year but I'm not sure yet" He bites his lip ring and nods 

"You will stay in touch wont you?" He asks sadly and I take a deep breath 

"of course I will but don't talk about it yet or else I will start crying" I laugh and he pulls me into a hug 

"I'm going to miss you Chloe, hope you know that?"

"I'm going to miss you too Luke, thank you for being my friend" I whisper into his ear and he holds me tighter 

"Hi, Can we have Chloe on the stage please?" I look over and Maddison and Laura are holding out a microphone and I shake my head 

"No, no way" I protest "I'm not drunk enough" 

"Chloe, Chloe, Chloe" everyone starts to chant 

"OK, OK"  I hold my hands up and walk to the stage. The crowd cheers and I look at the screen where the karaoke lyrics come up. My eyes fill with tears but I laugh and turn to face the girls 

"well I'm not doing the talking bit" I raise my eyebrows 

"Its OK, Laura can do a deep voice, I think she was a man in a past life" Maddison winks and Laura hits her with the microphone. We sing very badly along to boys to men - End of the road and I remember when Maddison sang this to Ashton in her bedroom whilst using a can of hairspray as her mic. Telling Maddison I wanted to travel was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, we stayed up all night talking about it and after many tears and weighing up the pros and cons we both realised that I needed this time to get away and to recover. It had a sliver lining though, Maddison will be travelling with the boys on their tour. The record label is small so Ashton persuaded them to let maddison be their stylist for a low wage and they agreed. She isn't bothered about the money though because she gets to be with Ashton and that's all she wanted and I couldn't be happier for them. We finish the song and everyone claps so we take a bow. I get off the stage and Calum hands me a tequila

"That was, different" he laughs and I nudge him

"Hey don't mock, we are actually thinking of making a girl band and being your support act one day" 

"Oh, I mean, great, sure" he stutters and I laugh 

"Only joking, but your face then is one I wont forget" I grin and he smiles putting his arm around me. Everyone gathers around and we all raise our shot glasses 

"Here is to seeing you again one day, and I know I will, I love you all" I raise my glass and we all do cheers

We  spend the rest of the night singing and drinking far too much even though I have a nineteen hour flight tomorrow. Ashton and Calum get on stage to do a bakstreet boys song much to everyones amusement and I go to the bar to get another drink

"Can I have a word?" I didn't even see Luke follow me 

"Of course you can"

He walks outside and I follow him

"Whats wrong Luke?"

He sighs and takes a letter out of his pocket

"He wanted me to give you this, I didn't know if I should but it meant a lot to him you had it and I couldn't tell him no. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing .." He trails off and I take the letter off him

"No, you did the right thing, Thank you Luke" 

"Am I still taking you to the airport tomorrow?" he asks and I look up from the envelope into his eyes that look sad 

"If that's OK? My flights at one o'clock in the afternoon so I was thinking if we get there for about eleven so I can check in"

I look back at the envelope and take a deep breath 

"I'm going to give you a minute" Luke says softly and I nod my head he walks away but when he gets to the door of the pub he turns around and throws something at me. I catch it and frown when I look at whats landed in my hand 

"Hes at home, go and say goodbye Chloe. You've been looking at the door all night and you need to say goodbye properly. Everyone will be at the airport tomorrow, You can say goodbye to us then" He says sadly and I look at his front door key in my hand 

"Luke?" I call him and he takes a deep breath before turning around


I walk over and kiss him briefly on the mouth. He leans his forehead against mine and I hold his jacket 

"In another life maybe you would have wanted to say goodbye to me as much as you wanted to say goodbye to him" he whispers and I look at him not knowing how to answer that. He kisses my cheek and this times leaves me standing in the street. I know I should stay here with my family and friends but never seeing him again is too much to think about. I manage to wave down a cab and I know I have to see him 


I open the door and walk into the apartment, I hope to god he hasn't got another woman here. The apartment is in darkness, maybe hes gone out? I see the balcony doors are open and hes standing there with his back to me 

"Did you give her the letter?" He doesn't know its me  

I don't say anything I just walk closer to him 

"Luke, Did she have the letter off you" he turns around and his mouth parts as he sees its me 

"I have the letter but if I haven't read it yet, This isn't how I want to say goodbye to you" 

"Then how do you want to say goodbye Chloe?" His voice is low and his breathing has quickened 

We both walk towards each other, slowly, unsure of whether this should happen or not

I stand in front of him and he looks down at me. My hand touches his cheek and he grabs my wrist pulling me to him and his mouth meets mine. His hands travel down my back and then he picks me up and carries me to his bedroom. This is how I wanted to say goodbye, I need to know that before I left I would feel his touch again and remember what it felt like to be loved and held by Michael Clifford 






"Excuse me but much longer?" My backside is numb and my ankles feel swollen from sitting on the plane for eighteen hours. The stewardess smiles at me, she has perfect make up and a bright white smile, I look like total mess with smudged make up and what resembles road kill on the top of my head, Travelling doesn't suit me at all 

"We will land in New York in about about another ninety minutes. Can I get you a refreshment?"

"A water would be great, Thank you" she gives me her gleaming smile again and walks off

Saying goodbye to everyone at the airport was horrible. There was Mom, Ken, Maureen, Laura, Maddison, Calum, Ashton and Luke and there wasn't a dry eye between us as I left to get on the plane. Mom and Ken are coming to New York in four weeks and the girls and I are going to meet somewhere in a few months, Until then we are going to message everyday and I intend on keeping that promise. After the boys have done the four month tour we have said we will arrange a catch up and I truly believe I will see them again. Michael and I said all we had to say last night and I asked him to not come to the airport because I know I wouldn't have got on the plane. After we made love we lay in each others arms and at that point there was no tears, we both had nothing left to give. Saying Goodbye to Luke was more hard than I thought it would be. Maybe in another life things might have been different, If I hadn't have met Michael, Maybe if I would have kissed Luke back when he tried, but it would have been living a lie. I wasn't meant to love Luke, It was always Michael. I take the envelope out of my bag and rip it open. I unfold the letter and take a deep breath and finally bring myself to read it 



Loving you was as easy as breathing, Letting you go is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I cannot say how proud I am of you. How proud I was to have you as my girlfriend. Two years seems a long time to some people, to me two years wasn't long enough to love you and I just wish I had many more years with you but I know its not what you want and I cant try anymore because if you love someone enough you have to let them go and I am doing that now against my will, but just know I will always love you, That is not a lie. I only ever lied to myself, I told myself you didn't love me and you didn't care, that you realised that you could do better and that's why you pushed me away but now if I could go back and rewind to the night I made those horrible mistakes all I would see is a girl that loved a boy so much she cared about him more than she cared about herself, so much so that when she got her memory back she would forgive him. I am the biggest fool for ever hurting you and until my last breath I will always regret what I put you through. I dont know if you can forgive me, I know I dont deserve it but I hope one day you can look back and smile when you hear my name instead of having that look of hurt

Be happy Chloe and when love comes along again don't assume they will make the same mistakes I did because that person will see how precious you are and if they have any sense they will hold onto you and never let you go, I so wish that person could be me, Don't be afraid to love again, love with all your heart because being loved by you is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will never forget it and no matter where life leads me I will never forget you. Please never forget me. 

I promise you I wont bother you, I will let you live your life but if you ever need me just pick up the phone because no matter where either of us are in the world if you need me I will cross any ocean to be with you

I don't know how to end this letter, because when the last word is wrote then this is real, this is the end ....

Enjoy travelling. I hope you see everything you want to see, I hope you make new friends and make some amazing memories but if you ever want to go home then come back to me, because to me you are home

You said to me on the beach that wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we would have got through this? I wish we could have Chloe, I know you are my soul mate and I am already jealous of the man who will be yours because I know now I was never worthy of that privilege

 I loved you the moment I saw you and I will love you forever 

Yours always 




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