I wish I had never woken up with amnesia (Michael Clifford)

Some people wish to wake up with amnesia so they can forget about how much they are hurting.

All I wish is that I could have remembered .... Remembered that he had hurt me. That way I would never have fallen in love with him again

To know him, is to love him. But I never knew that Michael was the person who could love me and break me into thousand pieces at the same time

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32. 29

I knock the door and Ken answers 

"Hello Chloe, Come in" He says kindly and I stand in the hallway with him

"I was actually coming to see you tomorrow, I phoned your auntie Maureen yesterday and we was both going to pop round and make sure you were OK. Are you OK?" he asks concerned and I press my lips into a hard line so I don't burst into tears 

"Ken, I know you have only been in my life for four years but you have been an amazing father to me. Granted right now I don't like your daughter but I should never have taken it out on you. What I said to you was out of order and I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me?" 

"Chloe don't you dare even think about saying sorry to me, what Sophie has done is wrong and I should be saying sorry to you. I thought I had raised her with more morals, she must take after her mother, she was a loose canon. Anyway, I'm sorry you are hurting so much, I wish there was something I could do"

"Just carry on being you Ken, That's all I ask. You and auntie Maureen are the sane ones in this family" I grin at him and he smiles. We stand there awkwardly and he takes a deep breath

"They are in the dining room, Do you want me to come in?" I bite my lip and look at the door 

"I think I should be OK, Maybe if you are on standby though that would be better?"

"I'll wait right here"

He pats my back and I open the door. I walk through the living room and then into the dining room. Sophie looks at me and stands up from her chair 

"If you have come here for round two just be warned I am ready this time. Maddison is a crazy bitch, look what she has done to my face! She is lucky I haven't pressed charges"

I cant help but smile as I look at Sophie's black eye. I don't condone violence at all but I'm not angry with Maddison for doing it 

"I'm not here to fight I just want to talk"

Sophie looks at mom and my mom finally looks at me 

"I was going to call you Chloe, But you are just like your father. He was hot headed and it was always best to let him cool down first"

I frown and have to stop myself from yelling at her 

"I wasn't being hot headed, I've spent the last four days being inconsolable. So thank you for your concern" I might be able to hold in my temper but I cant stop the sarcasm. 

"I will leave you two to it then but if there is any fighting then you will be thrown out of the house do you hear me" Mom stands up and looks between the both of us 

"Fine" Sophie snaps but I don't say anything. She can throw me out, I have somewhere to go to, Sophie has nothing. Mom leaves the room and I sit down. I feel slightly shaky as the adrenaline is pumping through my veins but I try and act as composed as I can. Sophie sits opposite me and folds her arms 

"So, you wanted to talk so talk I don't have all day" she sounds like an utter nasty venomous cow and it takes everything in me to not give her another black eye to match the one she already has. But I know a reaction is what she wants and I wont allow myself to stoop to her level 

"All I want to know is why Sophie? Why would you do it? I know we have never been close but I thought we were friends at least. How could you do it? Surely you would know how much it would hurt me?"

she rolls her eyes and twists a strand of hair around her finger 

"You are so boring, All I heard then was me me me. Poor Chloe blah blah blah. So what? I had sex with Michael it's no big deal. He couldn't have been that into you not when he was into me. Literally" she grins and I feel my hand tense into a ball in my lap. I don't say anything and she carries on 

"You were so full of it. Parading your relationship about, acting like you was better than everyone else. From the moment my Dad met you it was like he had a new daughter and he treated you like some sort of princess. Well I am sick of it. You are nothing special. Do you remember all the times you and Dad would go and watch cricket and leave me out" she yells and I shake my head

"Sophie you hate cricket, I hate cricket but I went because he had no one else to go with. Also that's what families are meant to do, take interest in what their family members like" I am absolutely livid 

"He is my dad, mine, Not yours. I wanted you to know how it felt to have someone you loved taken away from you! so technically I did take interest in what you like. Gotta say though, Calum was better" she grins and I stand up, she squares her shoulders ready to fight back but I don't care 

"Sophie you wretched nasty girl, have you heard yourself?" Kens voice booms through the room making me jump and she pales when she realises that Ken must have heard everything. Hes shaking hes so angry and I stand in front of him 

"Ken, breathe. I'm OK. Calm down, please" He looks down at me and he looks so sad, I know somehow he blames himself in a small way but its not his fault at all. I turn to face Sophie 

"I came here for closure and I've got it. I understand why it happened now so thank you"

her eyes widen and she laughs 

"You're thanking me. Wow your brain really is messed up you stupid bitch"

I want to cry but I wont, she has had enough of my tears 

"Yes, Thank you for being so easy and showing me Michael was weak. If it wasn't you that was offering him sex on a plate it would have been some other tart. So yes, thank you" I grab my bag and put it over my shoulder but before I leave I turn to look at her again 

"I would rather have people gossip about me then have people think I was nothing but an easy lay. Congratulations on your reputation. Get some standards and grow up"  

I kiss Ken on the cheek to piss her off some more and as soon as the door closes I can hear Ken yelling at her. I walk into the hallway and mom is sitting on the bottom of the stairs crying 

"I'm so sorry Chloe, the way Sophie explained it Michael came onto her. I wanted to protect her, I didn't want this family to fall apart. Now its obvious they were both as bad as each other although I have a feeling Sophie instigated it. You must really hate me?"

I smile at her weakly and sit on the step next to her 

"I don't hate you, the blame is with Sophie and him" I cant even say his name "we have never been close mom, and I don't know why because you are my world but no matter what I do its never good enough. But I don't want to lose you either"

"Wait here" she whispers and I watch her go upstairs, I pull at a thread on my denim shorts and cringe as I can still hear Ken shouting. The neighbors are going to love this. Mom sits next to me and hands me a letter. I frown and turn the crumpled paper over in my hand 

"what is it?"

"read it" she shrugs and I open it up 

The letter is from my dad. I scan over it and take in his handwriting, its like mine, But what stands out is that my dad wanted to divorce my mother and he wanted custody of me. I put the letter down and look at her

"When was this?" I ask shocked 

"It was two days before the car accident. He said I had changed, that I had become miserable, unpredictable with my moods and I was sucking the life out of him. He was very much a free spirit, even when we first met we were very different. I was the sensible one and your father lived life on a whim. somehow we worked though, then when you were born your father was very hands on, he wouldn't let you out of his sight. He would take you to the doctors if you sneezed, he wanted to keep you in bubble wrap. He absolutely adored you. It was different for me, I love you and I loved you from the moment you was born but I had post natal depression and it wasn't easy to bond with you. He thought I was a bad mother, always criticizing me, making me feel worse. One day I had taken you for a walk in your pushchair and when I got back he had left, all his clothes were gone and there was just that letter. He said he would be back within a week to get you once he had sorted out a permanent place to live. You look so much like him, when he passed away I couldn't look at you as it was like having him looking at me, I suppose when he died I was so angry with him and I suppose I still am. I guess that's why I always push you away because I know you judge me, You I'm a bad mom too"

I hug her and I feel her tears soak into my T shirt 

"You have been a brilliant mom, we are just different that's all but I love you and you have done a fantastic job bringing me up. Thank you for all you have done" she sits up straight and wipes her eyes 

"I could have done more" she whispers and I smile 

"You have time to start making up for it"

we smile at each other and I kiss her forehead and leave. I'm glad I have got some closure today in more ways than one 

I look at my watch, Its only three o'clock and Maddison is working until six. I don't want to go back to the house yet, Its a nice day and I don't want to sit inside


There's only one place to go on a day like this 


I find a quite spot away from the many sunbathers and surfers and its secluded from the rest of the beach. I take off my hooded jacket and sit down on it, Rolling up the sleeves on my white T shirt so my arms can feel the warmth of the sun against them. I watch the sea glistening and I doodle shapes in the sand then wipe them away and start again. I haven't cried since last night but my eyes are still sore from the all crying I have done over the last four days. I close my eyes and dip my head back, letting the breeze run through my hair. Its so quite, so peaceful, I almost can pretend that I'm OK but I know I'm not. not yet. 


I'm aware someone is standing over me blocking the sun, I open my eyes and my heart begins to race when I focus on who it is 


Its Michael, Hes here 




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