I wish I had never woken up with amnesia (Michael Clifford)

Some people wish to wake up with amnesia so they can forget about how much they are hurting.

All I wish is that I could have remembered .... Remembered that he had hurt me. That way I would never have fallen in love with him again

To know him, is to love him. But I never knew that Michael was the person who could love me and break me into thousand pieces at the same time

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13. 12

I don't move, his mouth is only lightly brushing against mine. I try and steady my breathing as I feel his hand rest against my cheek and he slowly pulls me in closer to him, I feel my lips pressing more firmly against his now. How far will this go? How far do I want it to go?

"Hey I'm hungry, do you guys want something to eat?"

Luke knocks the door and I move backwards. I hold onto the duvet and look at my lap as I try and steady my breathing. Michael groans and stands up to open the door

"Thanks Luke" he says sarcastically and Luke looks at me then back at Michael

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt" he grins and I feel my cheeks burning, I am mortified

Michael turns to face me

"Hungry?" He asks

I am pretty hungry and I could do with something to soak up this alcohol. I feel drunk

"That would be great thank you"

I stand up and readjust my T shirt

"I'm just going to the bathroom" I excuse myself and hurriedly walk past them locking the door behind me. I lean against the bathroom sink and take a deep breath as I look into the mirror. I haven't seen myself like this before, all flustered and blushing from another persons touch. It was different with Adam. It didn't feel like this. Other than holding hands and kissing there was nothing else, and yet with Michael there's a sexual chemistry I can't deny. I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted to experience what we had. I shake my head, I need this to stop. Does this mean I've forgiven him? It must do. Yes it hurts when I think about what he did but did I push him away? And then I remember what he said, he's going away for four months and he won't be here. We'll be on the opposite side of the world to each other, there will always be temptation around him. If he's cheated before he will do it again won't he? Or maybe he won't? How can I judge him when I don't know him? Does this mean I want to try again? I don't know, I don't know what do? I unlock the bathroom door and walk into the living room. Michael and Luke are playing their guitars and scribbling down lyrics on a note pad. Michael puts down his guitar and I shake my head

"We can stay in here, carry on playing. You both sound really good"

He taps the seat next to him and I sit down. Michael and Luke carry on writing lyrics and he turns to an angle so he's facing me. I watch his fingers move perfectly over the chords and I realise how talented the guys are. I actually feel in awe of his talent. I look up and he's watching me. I feel it, the sexual chemistry between us and although it scares me I also find it hard to deny. I really do want him, by the way he's looking at me I think he feels it too

"Hey guys, I am here" Luke teases and I throw a pillow at him

Pizza arrives and I walk over to the shelf where the DVDs are. I feel Michael stand behind me and I welcome the feeling of having him close to me

"Can you recommend anything? Maybe something from two thousand and fourteen that I haven't watched" I turn to smile at him and he reaches over my shoulder and grabs a DVD and hands it to me. I read the title

"Annabelle? Is this a horror?"

He bites his lip and nods his head

"We watched this at the cinema, well we didn't actually watch too much of it" he grins and I look at the DVD again

"Oh" my voice barely comes out so I softly cough

"Sure, sounds good" I manage to say and he holds my hand and leads me over to the settee

"What are we watching?" Luke asks and holds out his hand. I pass him the case and he rolls his eyes

"Oh great, no sleep for me then" he laughs and I smile at him. I like Luke, he's laid back and softly spoken. I can actually see why I was friends with them, well obviously more than friends with Michael. He puts the DVD on and I grab a slice of pizza whilst Michael turns off the light. We are sitting on the two seater settee and I'm aware of how close he is. I can only eat one slice of pizza. I'm too distracted by him to eat. Luke passes us another beer and I thank him.

I don't like this film at all and I spend most of it hiding behind a pillow. Michael puts his arm around me and I don't move. I want him to hold me like this, well I'm almost certain I do. Unless it's the alcohol? I peek from the behind the pillow to look at Luke but he's lying down on the other settee and he's fast asleep

"We should have watched a rom com" I whisper and Michael softly laughs

"We don't have those in this apartment, we are manly men" he whispers back and I hold the pillow over my mouth to mute my laughter. I involuntarily yawn and Michael strokes my hair

"Ready for bed?" He ask and I slowly turn to face him

"I don't mean like that Chloe"

Oh? I think I feel disappointed

He holds my hand and leads me to his bedroom. He shuts the door and paces up and down

"I do want you Chloe, I do. But not when you're full of alcohol. You've had a lot to take in today and I need you to remember that I did hurt you and I don't want to take advantage. I want you but I need you to want me too. Can you tell me you honestly want this?"

His breathing is fast and he stops pacing although there is still a distance between us

"I don't know what I want, I'm trying to imagine what I would do if I didn't have amnesia. Would I have forgiven you? I might have forgiven you?"

He looks at me sadly and it pains me

"I don't think you would have Chloe" I suddenly feel cold. I don't want to imagine that I couldn't have forgiven him, not when being around him feels so right

"Either way then it's a no win situation. With or without amnesia, I still lose you" I whisper as the reality hits me that wether or not he cheated he's still leaving, I still get nothing

He moves forward and holds my head in his hands and his touch is so light against my skin

"I will wait for you Chloe, just think about this please. I need you to be ready. I don't want you to make a decision you will regret. I don't want you to regret choosing to forgive me. I don't deserve you"

I nod my head and decide that he's right, I can't be hasty and make a decision just because I'm afraid of not feeling this way again, but isn't that a perfect reason to try?

"You have some pyjamas in there" he gestures towards his bedside table and I walk over and open the drawer. There's pyjamas in here, a toothbrush, hair bands, odd bits of make up and some spare T shirts

"You didn't throw them out?" I turn to face him and he shakes his head

"I couldn't, I had to hold onto the thought you would be here again" he turns and leaves and I get undressed, folding my clothes up and leaving them on the floor and then I get dressed into some long pyjama bottoms and a vest top. I tie my hair up and climb into bed. I inhale the smell from his pillow and I wish his aftershave smelt familiar but it doesn't, although it does bring me some type of comfort. He walks back into the room and turns the light off. The moon shining through the window is the only light we have and I can vaguely see him as he removes his boots, socks, jeans and T shirt. He gets into bed and we face each other. His hand holds mine and I close my eyes. It takes all my will power to not let this go further, but in my mind I know this is only the beginning of something, or it's the beginning of our end

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