A Universe Trapped in a Labyrinth

This is my boring and interesting and teenager life spanning from age 15 to 18 (May 2015-August 2018)
Within you'll find many re-inventions of myself, boy trouble, school trouble and life trouble. (Plus interesting bits I thought I would include as well).
Do you dare to enter the maze?

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72. I was the type of person...

 

12th September 2015

I was the type of person, 
That held onto things too tight, 
Unable to release my grip, 
When it no longer felt right, 
And although it gave me blisters, 
And my fingers would all ache, 
I always thought that holding on, 
Was worth the pain it takes, 
I used to think in losing things, 
I’d lose part of me too, 
That slowly I’d become someone, 
My heart no longer knew, 
Then one day something happened, 
I dropped what I had once held dear, 
But my soul became much lighter, 
Instead of filled with fear, 
And it taught my heart that some things, 
Aren’t meant to last for long, 
They arrive to teach you lessons, 
And then continue on, 
You don’t have to cling to people, 
Who no longer make you smile, 
Or do something you’ve come to hate, 
If it isn’t worth your while, 
That sometimes the thing you’re fighting for, 
Isn’t worth the cost, 
And not everything you ever lose, 
  
Is bound to be a loss. 

By Erin Hanson

 

You would think that leaving is hard. And it is. The build up to leaving is chaotic, it is the worry and the what if’s, the ultimate dreams of endings and inner battles. The actually leaving is heartbreaking, the arguments, the walk away’s, the emotions that come with it. But the aftermath of it is easy. You can find that once leaving there is no longer a weight, no longer a demon on your shoulder telling you to do it and an angel telling you not to. Leaving is a lot easier when it’s done and completed.

Last night I left my best friend after finding out that she never appreciated me. I had rehearsed the conversation millions upon millions of times in my head, and the conversation couldn’t have been any more different. I’m trying to live with leaving and in some way it is much easier, knowing that I have no longer have that negative person in my life. But on the other hand is so much harder knowing that I still care and want to care even when it isn’t appreciated.

The poem above represents who I am, I hold on too tightly and get hurt for it. However, there is always hope.

I realise that I was mainly there to provide support and make sure that she wasn’t alone, because being alone is awful. But it also meant that there wasn’t much in it for me, and myself is the first and foremost symbol in this equation.

I need to think about me.

I need to think about what is good for me and what isn’t.

 

Today I braved the rain in favour of going out to eat with some other friends and I never stopped smiling even with the dampener on the day. I realised that maybe leaving is a good thing. Like a plant; you cannot grow if bits of you are dead.

 

I realise that this may be more like a vent than an official entry or worthwhile read. But this is for me, any eyes reading this should know that they are appreciated but not in mind for this entry.

I thank you for reading but I also thank myself for leaving.

 

K.  

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