Late Night Musings of a Lone Wanderer

Here are some late night musings by me.


3. Two


So, at the moment I am finding it really difficult to decide what to do with my life. On the one hand, I want to skip back ten years, where my only worry was what colour to paint my picture and what toy to play with. However, on the other hand, I want to skip forward ten years to miss all this difficult stuff and be content in my career.

I find it difficult to make decisions about my future because sometimes I don't see myself living that long. Sometimes I don't want to die because I would miss everything good about the world, but other times, I want nothing more than to die. How am I supposed to make decisions about university or a career when it could all be a waste?

I feel like I'm going to fall apart and break down, but when and why? Why is it that some people go through life fulfilling all their dreams and never having a thought of death? How is it that some people have never inflicted pain upon themselves, wondering why it happens, but being unable to stop themselves? All I want is one day where I don't fight against the urge to self harm, one day where I don't consider my own death, one day without feeling the darkness lurking within. Even if I am happy, I can still feel the darkness. I just want one day when it isn't and it leaves me alone.

How do I make decisions about the future when I'm fighting for the present?

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