Silently Spoken

I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn. - Anne Frank


2. Wednesday May 6th 2015

I don’t say much, but I listen a lot.

I’ve realised that there is a lot to witness when you’re quiet. You comprehend other people’s actions more and you hear the deeper meaning behind people’s words. Sometimes, you even start to realise what kind of person they actually are as well as discovering who you really are. In silence there are a lot of answers to the questions people have. All we need to do is look, listen and understand.

I wasn’t in the talkative mood ever since I woke up this morning and I was feeling empty inside for some unknown reason. I hate this feeling. I don’t know what triggers it or what puts an end to it. It’s just there, at the pit of my stomach, bothering me till I fall back asleep. As much pain as it is to feel like this, I’ve learnt to find its benefits. I get to learn a lot about people, who they are and who they pretend to be.

I am in the first year of college, studying a graphics design course. It’s a broad subject that includes: animation, photography, advertising and marketing, printing and anything else design communication related. Regardless to say, we spend most of our time staring at a Mac or through a camera lenses. In doing such a creative course, there is bound to be very creative and unique people in my small class.

Today was a half day at college; Wednesdays are always half days (9 till 1:15). So today I had a photography lesson, workshop and a tutorial – a pretty relaxed day considering other college days.  However, I was anything but relaxed. My head was pounding and it only seemed to get worse when Ryleigh was around. I don’t have anything against the girl and I even consider her my friend. However, she just never shuts up and doesn’t know the meaning of personal space – that’s putting it politely.

Today she was attempting to print of her zine (one off handmade magazine) and had troubles laying it out on this software so that it would print correctly double sided. Ryleigh kept tapping me on the shoulder and asking me several times how to do the layout and I told her time and time again, I had no idea. I was being honest with her and she knew it too, yet she still continued to bug me, breathing in my air and putting her face literally inches away from mine.

As you can tell, by this point I was getting a little angry. For one, I wasn’t really in the mood to interact with anyone and I had an excruciating headache. On top of that I had my own work to finish off for my FMP (Final Major Project – like an exam). So I told her straight, ‘Ryleigh, I really don’t know. I think it best that you ask a tutor.’ Once that was said and done, she turned her head in a huff. I didn’t think too much of it and continued with my animation.

The thing is though, I find that she does this often and especially to me. I'm a girl that likes my space and some peace and quiet. With three little sisters at home, college is the one place I can really concentrate and get a little me time. However, that’s hard doing when Ryleigh is there. I want to tell her how I feel, but at the same time I don’t want to offend her by saying she may be annoying at times. I do say to her quiet often ‘I need space.’ She apologises and moves away a little, but then five minutes later she’s back again…

Aside from that I found discovered that some people are really evil and mean on the inside, but on the outside they put a really sweet act on. Now I’m talking about these people that everyone in the class likes and you don’t get why. This is because you can see past their I’m-so-sweet act, but you are left wondering why other people can’t. This type of person usually brags about everything they have and decides to make themselves centre of attention and they like to think that they know everything. This person in my class is a girl called Alicia.

However, today she didn’t brag about her boyfriend or how rich her family are or even talk about how ‘fat’ she is to get all the guys complementing her. By the way, she isn’t fat at all. Two of her would make up one of me. So if she is calling herself fat, I am probably obese. Back to the point, today she did something that I didn’t pay much attention to before. She uses people.

Let me explain myself.

Alicia is considered as a really good pupil by the tutors, her work is at a high level and as I said before, everyone seems to take a liking to her. However, the way she gets her work to a higher level is by using other people. It was yesterday that she got one of the guys to do some effect for her on software and today she was using other people’s techniques for her own work. Now that’s not what gets to me.

We are designers and yes we do ‘beg, borrow and steal’ while producing our work. However, when it comes to showing her own work of giving some of her own helpful tips out, she refuses. I know it’s a stupid thing to get angered at because many people do it. But she never gives anyone else any credit and even when she does ‘share’ something she says it with such proudness in her tone of voice and her body language just says ‘I’m better than you’. It’s safe to say I don’t like the girl, but I don’t get childish about it. When she attempts to make small talk with me, I don’t refuse and there is that simple ‘hello’.

Truth be told, I envy her a little and I’m scared to admit it.

On the topic of how people act, I noticed that some people I speak to via text; don’t talk to me that way face to face. One person that pops to mind is a guy called Tristan. He attends my college and I'm discombobulated (I like that word) about his personality and intentions. Over text, I can have a decent conversation with the guy and sometimes it can get really deep to the point where I consider him as someone really close that I can tell anything too. However, when it comes to college, it’s a totally different story and it’s like I don’t even know the him. I think that till date, I haven’t had a proper full blown conversation with him face to face.

I guess I am still yet to figure out what I really think of Tristan. I like the way he is a logical person and thinks things through. Not to mention he would make such a good personal trainer when it comes down to getting fit. However, I dislike the fact that he can’t imagine himself in troubled people’s shoes. He doesn’t get why a person would want to self-harm or even come to have an eating disorder (yes this is how deep conversations get). That isn’t even what I dislike, it’s the fact that he thinks it’s because these people are ‘born’ like that.

Hell to the no!

Nobody is born with an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia, nobody is born depressed and nobody is born a self-harmer. He thinks that there is something not right with their heads, which is a rude way to put it on his behalf. There are things that trigger and develop these behaviours in people. He fails to understand that and I feel the need to explain it to him, but I’m not sure what way I can go about that. I can’t have a person having that mentality towards these sensitive topics. Other than that, he is a relatively nice guy that just needs to be less awkward when talking in person.

This is what my day was mainly focused around today; people. It truly is amazing when you step back, watch the world for a while and try and notice these little behaviours in people. Sometimes it may change your perspective on people and sometimes it can change you. I definitely advise you to stay silent for a while and see what people do, how they react and mainly how you feel about it.

Oh my, its 10.54 and I am knackered. I don’t have college tomorrow. I consider myself lucky when it comes to my college timetable. I have half day every Wednesday and I don't have college on Thursdays or Fridays which means I have a four day weekend every week! It isn't all sleep and relaxation though. I have college work, house work and driving lessons. When I can, I try to get some exercise and write a little.

The best way to see what tomorrow brings is to sleep through the night.

- J.K. Panesar

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