Silently Spoken

I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn. - Anne Frank


24. Wednesday August 12th 2015

Warning: bad language/triggering

There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.

I feel irritated and I can feel the anger boil inside me as I am typing this. Every time I try and convince myself that my sisters will learn, that they will grow up and actually behave and listen for once. Each time I convince myself I am brought back to reality spitting in my face. I am in fact actually just deluding myself. I have had enough!

I know Raven is always trouble; she is a lazy little thing and doesn’t give a damn about anyone else. She is selfish and answers everyone back and ever since she has had that attitude I have disliked her. However, Vivian never used to be trouble. Yes, she used to be mischief every now and then and the number one thing I hate about her is her over-reacting, but she never used to be as bad as Raven. Notice that I am saying used to. Now Vivian too has followed in Ravens footsteps and is doing everything that I hate about Raven. Don’t get me wrong, they are my sisters and I do love them dearly. It’s just I hate it when they act up and them acting up has become their normal behaviour.

What irritates me even more to the point where it hurts is when my mum backs them up just because they are ‘small’. I really don’t give a shit about how small they are they shouldn’t be acting like that towards me or anyone. The thing that pushes this irritation even more is when they know my mum won’t do anything about it and they use it to their advantage. They would say and do stuff behind her back but when she is looking, they act all sweet and innocent.

They are far from it, trust me. I feel like my mum doesn’t like me anymore. No matter what I do it’s always my fault, especially when it comes to my sisters. I do everything I can to make her proud and happy. I work hard and get high grades at school to make her proud, not that she notices it. I do the house work most of the time, the cooking, the cleaning, the ironing, the laundry and other little things too. I share everything I make or have and I use my initiative to make sure my mum is okay. When I was younger, I remember doing the same. I used to massage her legs and her feet. As far as I can remember I did everything for her and I still to everything in my power now to help her. I feel as if she doesn’t care.

I want to cry so bad when I think about it. Its Ravens and Vivian’s job to do the dishes now, mum gave them that specific job. However, they just don’t do it! When it’s left there, I hate it. I hate seeing dirty dishes so I do the job myself. Not that mum notices. It’s been like that forever now. When I tell them to do it my mum says stop pushing them. Well, for her information when I was younger, I had to wash he dishes too and in those days I didn’t have a sibling old enough to help me. When they go into the kitchen and start washes the dishes, mum gets up straight away and helps them. Where’s my help was when I was washing the dishes, mum? She says when I was younger she helped me, what a load of shit! I remember clearly doing the dishes myself.

She bloody favours them! I'm obviously too old for her attention now and I have to be doing even more housework than I already am. She is wrong! I do still need her attention. I understand that I had her all to myself for the first 6 years of my life, but then three siblings came one after the other and it went from having attention to not existing. I just want a little bit of her time and some praise. Is that really too much to ask for? Please tell me if it is.

Fair enough my siblings are too young to cook anything. But both of them know how to make tea and Vivian knows how to make tomato tortillas. However, when she does so she only makes it for herself. There is a full family here that she could make so food for but no she is being a selfish little shit. Whenever I make tea I always ask everyone if they want one, the same goes with every meal I make. On so many occasions I am left making meals for everyone. I just wish that Vivian and Raven could follow my footsteps help around the house and actually use their initiative for once.

Raven is so damn lazy she always takes the shortcut for everything! I have to practically nag her about cleaning the room and taking some responsibility in the kitchen. She just doesn’t do it! Do you think I like nagging her? No, I don’t. It’s a waste of energy and she isn’t going to do it anyway. She is just going to sit on her big fat but and wait till someone else does her chores for her. Then when I try and tell them that they should do it they make a big face or answer me back, but they don’t get shouted at for their rude behaviour. No, it’s me that gets shouted at for telling them to take initiative.

They are both getting older and when I was both their age (I know it’s a cliché thing to say), mum was way harder on me and I started doing the housework myself since I was eight years old. As they get older, so am I. I am going to get a lot more college work and with that am going to be juggling some work experience and driving. But then at the same time I have to cook and clean. That really isn’t that air on me. I can feel my depression spiking these summer holidays and I do not like it.

I just want to go away. I want to run away and not live in a house with these people. I just want to bury myself alive so I can die and get rid of this life. I hate it; I hate it to the point where I hate myself for even existing. I find the idea of dying more appealing with every day that goes past.

God, I know I prayed for a sister, but why did you give me three? My life is being taken away from me three times faster and I don’t know how to cope with it. I’d rather you left me with no siblings at all. I regret praying for one and I just wish that I could take it back. It’s too late. God, I try to be nice. I try and take the positive approach to life, but how much longer do I need to delude myself for it to come true? I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t. God, please just take me away from this world. I’m praying for you to take my life and end my internal suffering. This time I promise I won't regret it. 

- J.K. Panesar

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