Silently Spoken

I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn. - Anne Frank


16. Thursday June 18th 2015


You will never know that you are the sunshine that makes my day.

Well, the past few days, all except today haven’t been that great. The day before yesterday I was in this really down mood. It was one of those blank spots I mentioned before. There was something at the pit of my stomach and it was dragging me down. Then yesterday I had an argument with my mum. She was on about how I should change my behaviour and the way I talk to others. My sisters were the source of it. I was telling Vivien off about something and mum started on me. It seems like it’s always me that’s wrong and I end up believing it.

I felt so hurt and I was crying really hard in my room. I tried to divert my attention to something else. I even attempted to practice a little bit of my theory but I couldn’t. I then opened my draw where my craft knives were and took them out. At first I just opened the box and stared at them thinking I don’t have to do this. But then the feeling in my stomach grew and I knew I had to punish myself for being me. I know I sound like a crazy mad woman right now, but I lifted up a craft knife and sliced it gentle cuts in my arm, slowly.

I stopped crying, wiped my tears, stared at the cuts and continued to act as normal. Putting my blades away I made a plan of what I was going to the next day, I made my clothes ready and straightened my hair. I wrote some theory practise cards and went to bed. That brings me to today.

I feel happy today. I don’t think I have been this happy since the start of the year and it’s mainly down to two people that I met. I went to my secondary school today to meet my old graphics teacher regarding some work experience in September. That went incredibly well as he let me work with his year 10 graphics group. It took a few minutes for them to warm up to me, but after that they were asking me questions and telling me what they liked and disliked. This one girl was obsessed about Indian dramas and she could name every single show and all the characters, pretty amazing.

I was shocked when I saw my graphics teacher though. He usually has very short army dark grey hair, totally unlike what he had today. He had a head full of dark grey and white curls and his sideburns were cut short. He looked like one of those young boys from the early 90’s. Bless him, he looked adorable. Although I preferred when he had short hair, it suited his age much more.

After I worked with the year 10’s it was break time and I said that I also had to get home. Before I left, I went to see my music teacher. I hold a very special place for my music teacher, as I feel that he was the only person that cared. Back when I was still attending the school, I was going through some really rough times and I even just wanted to die. He may not have cared at all and he May still not care, but he made me feel like he cared and I believed it. In those moments, all I needed was the time of day off someone and he was there.

Anyway, seeing my old music teacher made me smile. Especially after the rough days I had before. I would have told him that I do SH myself sometimes, even now. But when he says ‘Are you alright?’ I can’t help but lie and say ‘I'm fine’. Because honestly, what difference will it make if I say ‘I’m not fine, I cut myself just yesterday and I'm trying to be really normal.’ It doesn’t make any difference, because there is nothing he can do. Besides, he always seems so busy and over loaded with work, and putting my problems on them won’t be fair. Sometimes it’s nice to see people you haven’t seen in a while.

I left my secondary school behind and to be honest I did let a tear or two escape my eyes. I knew I would be coming back here soon enough, even though it’s a shit school, it was still my school. Then I realised something bad. The top I was wearing had its sleeved rolled up the entire time. Meaning that my cuts were visible the whole time and anyone could have saw them. Maybe they did see them but decided not to say anything. Or maybe they just didn’t notice because people don’t pay attention to them sort of things. Or maybe they just looked like scratched and though I had a really bad rash or that I have a cat. Maybe. Although honestly speaking, if someone did see them, I would have preferred for them to tell me. That way I can make sure I have covered them and I would be aware of the people that noticed.

I had a driving lesson afterwards for two hours. I drove on up till the 4th gear, on dual carriageways, on massive roundabouts (I think I'm getting better at roundabouts though), I did a three point turn, parked in a car park and pulled up and stopped safely several times. I’d say this lesson was better than the last one. One the last one I left like I drove so bad that I lost a bit of confidence. Even though I stalled three times today, which is bad, but I felt like I got a little better at driving over all. Not perfect, but better. Next Thursday I have another lesson for two hours, until then its theory practice.

Tomorrow is a pretty chilled day. I haven’t been to college for quite a few days now. The tutors say that if they need us in they will send up a text message. So tomorrow I need to get my contact details sorted out at college so that the texts will appear on my phone and not my dad’s. They used to go on my phone before, however when I re-enrolled the woman did something with the phone numbers and now they are going to my dad. This makes me mad internally, but once I get it sorted out tomorrow I will finally be at peace. So far dad has received 3 of my tutor’s messages which he had to forward to me and I hate it because I feel like there is something missing.

The best way to see what tomorrow brings is to sleep through the night.

- J.K. Panesar

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