Silently Spoken

I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn. - Anne Frank


23. Sunday August 2nd 2015

Warning: may be triggering.

No one can hurt you without your permission.

Today was a pretty shit day but it turned out okay in the end. Today was Raven’s birthday. She turned 11 and another year older, so she better start acting like it. I am still a bit upset, so today’s entry may be a little harsh and have not-so-good words in it.

About a week before we were planning that we would go and eat out and watch a movie afterwards. However suddenly when the day came they decide to go to a boring museum house thing because it is free. This is so freshie (a typical Asian person that loves being cheap), but why are you going to do that on Ravens’ birthday. I know for a fact that she didn’t want to go there because she said it to be time and time again. Dad kept saying that we are going to go there regardless of what we planned and that ‘plans never work anyway’. Well of course they don’t work because you don’t blooming stick to them when you blooming make them! Then he started arguing the topic of my attitude and voice. Well, yeah my voice is going to be a little higher now, because you have just pissed me off.

The worst thing is when I was arguing with dad to try and not go to the bloody museum house thing; Raven didn’t even back me up. I asked her in front of everyone “Raven you didn’t want to go to Museum house did you?” and she replied with “I don’t mind.” The bloody nerve she had saying that when behind everyone else’s back she said she doesn’t want to go there. This now digs a deeper hole for me and I’m so irritated with her inside. I shouldn’t have even fought for her.

Everyone is already ready including me but after they way that dad spoke to me and started blaming everything on me, I just get really angry. I refuse to go to the museum house and I decided to stay at home.  I told Raven my decision and she said it was my choice. Damn right it was my choice. I know for a fact that she doesn’t even want me to be there at her birthday. After a few minutes mum came upstairs to make me go, but I wasn’t going to go. Eventually I was left alone and I heard the front door close.

That’s when I let it out. I bust out crying and digging my nails into my arms. I had so much anger inside me because of everyone. I had so much hurt that my mum didn’t stick up for me and she was moving more away from me. I got the feeling that my mum didn’t life me anymore. It’s not like the way it used to be. I was so upset, disappointed and disgusted with myself. I didn’t like the fact that dad could take charge just like that. He doesn’t even live with us, comes home at 6 on the weekdays for about two hours then leaves. On the weekends he has the choice to come here early but he doesn’t turn up till the late afternoon and now he is arguing and shouting with me. As far as I am concerned he doesn’t have the dam right. In my eyes my mum grew us up on her own. She is the one that deals with us day and night. I had a heart problem she coped with that Gem had epilepsy she is coping with that. The amount of restless nights that she has had and he thinks he can waltz in here and control everything. No fucking way!

I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. I cried so hard I think that painter outside heard and I shut the curtains quickly. I felt so much anger bubble up inside me that I just erupted and my fist went straight for the door. It nearly made a hole all the way through, but it settled at just leaving a massive dent, breaking the wood into cracks. Amazingly that didn’t hurt my hand and I was okay, but I still had anger and I needed to get it out. I went face down onto my pillow and dug my nails into my mattress and screamed my lungs out. I didn’t like hoe I felt and I didn’t know what was happening to me. I just needed to be normal again. I wanted to feel sane and I wanted to get this throbbing sensation out of my head and I wanted to feel cols instead of having this heat radiating off me. I wanted to turn back the clock so many years and I wanted life to start over and reset.

My eye lids felt heavy and sore and they still do now. Then I opened the middle draw underneath my desk and pulled out the craft knifes. I knew I shouldn’t have done it but I felt like I had to punish myself and that’s how I was going to do it. I felt like I needed to do it and I hadn’t done it in so long. I opened and let my fingertips touch the different types of blades and then I picked up the sharpest one and placed it on my arm. My mum told me not to do it again, but here I am and there is no one at home to stop me. I did three cuts before I three the knife across the room. I didn’t cut so deep. I couldn’t see any blood and it merely just looked like I’d just scratched myself. But ten minutes later, it started going red and I could feel my heart beat through them. This pain was more bearable than the mental pain I had in my head and heart.

Suddenly my thoughts went to how I was going to hide it and what I would say if someone did see it and how many cardigans I had in my wardrobe. However, I don’t regret doing it. I covered the largest cut on my arm with my palm and I felt the head in between. My eyes were all wet and my lashes started to stick together I could even see just feel the heat. I hate heat, I can’t manage with heat. I wanted to feel cold and I wanted to lie down in snow and I wanted to feel the rain on my face. I wanted it to rain and thunderstorm. I wanted to hear the rolling thunder and see the flash of blue lightening across my room.

I just sat on the bed thinking of what I wanted most right now, putting myself in my happy place. I got changed into some more comfy clothes and breathed. I could feel the heat disappearing and I tugged my blanket to cover my feet. I did it. I got through it the wrong way, but I still go through it. I still had a little bit of anger inside me, but I didn’t have the energy to do something about it. Right now I wanted to sleep.

That’s when the door downstairs opened. My came upstairs and told me to get dressed because they were going out to eat. I said for them to go without me, I wasn’t in the mood for going and that I was just going to spoil everyone else mood. As much as I didn’t like Raven at the moment, I didn’t want to ruin her birthday for her. It was her special day. Eventually mum forced me to get up and come down stairs and soon enough I found myself in a car with the rest of them going into town. I still wish I hadn’t come, because we spend half an hour walking around and looking for a restaurant to eat at. I hate dilly dallying. They all wanted to go to the restaurant I was suggesting a week ago which was called ‘Bella Italia’. However, I didn’t know where it was because as I was searching for it yesterday dad told me to “stop looking at pizza and start looking at movie timings.” I didn’t understand that because he was already looking at movie timings. And by the way Bella Italias’ wasn’t even a pizza place. It was a really nice posh restaurant. We didn’t end up going there.

Instead there was this small Italian place right next to the cinema called Del Village. They didn’t have that much variety of food and all I had was a plate of pasta that was covered in chilli cause. I didn’t like the atmosphere and I just wished that I’d stayed at home and slept. It was dad’s idea to go there, of course. I did suggest driving to where Bella Italia was because it wasn’t really far, we could have walked there. But no, being the lazy arse that man is he had to find the easy way out.

After eating we looking at the movie timings and found that we had nearly two hours till the nest showing of ‘Minions’. Once again he didn’t do his job properly looking for the movie timings. Now I was really irritated, because after eating all I want to do is sit down and digest the food, but no. He decided that we go for a bloody long walk doing nothing and then go all the way back and watch the movie. Bearing in mind that my feet were hurting and my mums feet were swollen. So we spent two and a half hours doing nothing and we finally reach the cinema, we buy the popcorn and wait for a whole bloody 20 minutes for the screen to turn on. Then another 15 minutes for all the trailers and advertisements to go. Only then did the movie start.

The movie was alright. It was funny and I loved both of the Despicable Me movies. I love the minions. They speak gibberish and no matter how old I may be I will always love watching cartoons, animations and kids movies. After the movie we drove to the front of my college to see the owl. Remember the one that I had to design in class but my design wasn’t chosen? Yeah that one. It looks okay it’s got the studio colours on it which is green and pink and but looks pretty shit compared to all the other owls that are all over town. This one also has some projection mapping done on the eyes so that it displays the feed logo on it. The projector is hung up inside the college. To be honest the only good thing about the owl is the projection mapping that Tristan did.

For now I am tired and all I want to do it cry some more and fall asleep. I have so much heaviness inside me that I just need to let out.

The best way to see what tomorrow brings is to sleep through the night.

- J.K. Panesar

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