No one writes in diaries anymore.


15. Wednesday 20th May 2015 - Fifteenth Entry

How appropriate, don't you think? That this diary's fifteenth entry is the day I turn 15.

I know I said yesterday how normal life felt at that point, but truth be told...I was actually quite excited. Last night, I stayed up till midnight, reading, and when I came to the realization of exactly what day it was, I went to bed, rather restless.

This morning too, I was excited. Naturally, I awoke early and arrived at school nearly an hour before it started. For half an hour, I waited in the library for my friends to arrive. The first one came when there were about ten minutes before the bell rang and wished me a happy birthday. When the next one came, she greeted me by asking me about my study notes for the English exam we were to have today, and it took her a while to remember to say happy birthday. The next three friends as well. No presents. Forced smiles. It might be superficial and materialistic of me to say this, but even if it was just a card, I would have appreciated the gesture.

To be honest, I was disappointed.

It was as though my own friends had forgotten my birthday. 

I forced a smile myself and left the library in a daze. After a while, I began crying.

I don't know how or why it happened, but I guess I just had such high expectations for this day. Without me even realizing it, I'd always really looked forwards to my birthday. It's not as though I feel any different than yesterday and in all honesty, I am not in any way different from yesterday. It's simply that at the very least on this day, once a year, I want to feel happy that I was born.

No, that's not quite right either.

What I wanted was for other people to feel happy that I was born.

That my existence was appreciated.

My birthday began as a disaster.

One of my friends passing by me on the way to roll call and saying happy birthday cheered me up quite a bit and then another person, a boy in my class, said happy birthday too. Still though, the fact that someone I didn't even know all too well had remembered more so than my own friends saddened my further and I cried again.

Lessons were not worth listening to.

English exam - meh. Though as I wrote my essay, the situation with my friends would continue to surface in my mind throughout the test.

Then there was lunch. I was supposed to have a leadership meeting, being in Sports Council, but Friend A saw me and led me to the Home Ec area. I was greeted by all of my friends jumping out and surprising me with a party. Oh my, there was cake, drinks, chips...even sushi. 

I cried again. This time, not out of sadness but because it was so simply overwhelming - moving, but also because I couldn't help but feel so terribly ashamed. To think that I had doubted my own friends.

The cake was lovely. There two, though each were rather small in size, green tea-flavoured, and with 20 people present, I can only be thankful everyone got a slice. 

There were presents too of course - an anime figurine, a watch, even some money, ehehe...

But what I appreciated most was a present from all of them - a jar, filled with origami hearts with messages written by each of my friends inside. When I got home, I read each and every one of them. It is extremely difficult for me to describe the warmth I experienced reading the messages. It was beautiful. Truly, I will treasure this little jar of sentiments forever.


Still though, today was a strange affair. I'm sad to think it's already over. Just a few seconds ago, the clock in my room struck midnight. Yet I, as a person, am still not different. I did a survey online today and when it asked for my name, rather than usual, I put 15.

Fifteen. Not a particularly desirable age to be. Most would rather stay forever a child or quickly earn the status of an adult - anything in-between is just a nuisance. But I don't mind the age of 15, even though I've only experienced one day of it. I feel old - but at the same time I feel young.

Do you understand what I mean?


Today was my birthday,

I'm happy I was born.



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