No one writes in diaries anymore.


21. Tuesday 26th May 2015 - Twenty-first Entry

I had P.E. first thing in the morning and what we did today was the beep test. Because it was such a surprise that we would be doing it, I was too shocked to feel nervous about it. I usually am nervous when it comes to the beep test, since I'm not that fit and also because this time around, every student's grade depended on what their score was.

It was cold this morning. Maybe that's why I did better than expected - because I'm used to the cold. I hardly sweat as much and the breeze seemed to lift away my fatigue. Or maybe because I paced myself better than the others? In any case, I finished with the second best score amongst the girls in my class with 7.7. I got 7.5 last year, so this is an improvement, though I did think to myself as I was running and got to 7.5 that if I stopped there, I would definitely regret it. I told myself that I should push myself more and if I ran just a bit further, it would pay off. The beep test today really gave me a huge sense of achievement. Though I only ended up with a score of 16/20 for my report card, the self-confidence it gave me today was phenomenal, particularly because I am rather insecure about myself.


On another note, my brother had his violin exam today. I suspect he got High Distinction, or at the very least, Distinction. My own certificate for passing 8th Grade came a few days ago. I was reading something on my phone at the time when my mother opened the envelope, saw the certificate and exclaimed, "Look, 「insert my name」! Your certificate has arrived!" while holding it up.

All I did was glance at it briefly, remark, "That's nice," and return to my phone. I suppose I've made it clear how I feel about violins at this point. For example, Friend A showed me her background wallpaper for her phone the other day - she made it a violin because it reminded her of me. I played the violin, after all. Still, when I saw this, I abruptly told her to change it and when she asked why, I wasn't quite sure what to say and so avoided the question. Moreover, I was at a bookshop with another friend not too long ago and we were looking at some bookmarks. There was one of music sheets and a violin. My friend showed it to me, thinking I would like it but it hurt too much to present any fondness towards it so I just gave a shrug at the time and instead drew my friend's interest to another bookmark. Just last week, when a classmate asked me whether I was still playing the violin, I of course said no and there then came a barrage of questions asking why...

Since that day, I still have yet to pick up my violin again.


Today, my friend gave me the link to the arrangement of one of our favourite songs played on violin. I put on my headphones and listened to it once while alone in my room. Afterwards, I moved only so I could maneuver my mouse to click the replay button. After listening to it a second time, I listened to it again. In the end, I cried.

Sometimes I want to curse. I want to curse at whoever or whatever made the thought of violins so painful for me.

Even if that person is myself.

I wish I could return to those times where I still loved the violin. Still adored it.

But that time will never return.

I'll repeat my wish as many times as I like, in the same way I would replay the same song over and over.

But this wish will never come true. 




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