「Blank」

No one writes in diaries anymore.

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2. Thursday 7th May 2015 - Second Entry

I really thought that I could fly. Yet when I woke up, the vastness of the blue sky was gone.

Although it's not too often that I get dreams where I can fly, it does happen. To be able to fly is, after all, my greatest dream. Last night was the same. 

Still, it was slightly different from usual in that it felt too real. I can remember so vividly the feeling I had as I soared freely through the air. All I had to do was kick my legs slightly and as though I was swimming through water, the air would carry me with the wind. It was as if I had been flying all my life. It was too natural, too...genuine - as though flying was an inherent ability to me. Or perhaps...it was instinct?

I vaguely recall, somehow, thinking to myself in that dream. It was a thought that came to me quickly, like a sudden realization of something that wasn't even the truth...

Ah.

So I could fly after all.

 

Dreams are cruel things.

 

 

Second period of today was maths. I was sitting at my desk, next to my friend - the same friend I spoke of yesterday. I feel as though I'll be mentioning her a lot throughout the course of this diary, so for now, let us call her 'Friend A'. Not a particularly original name, but I suppose for now it'll do. After all, what is of importance isn't my friend's name, but rather, the events that took place between us.

Our teacher was explaining various terms to do with circle geometry and as I was bored, I got out a scrap piece of paper and drew a hideous doodle of a person with some interesting features: a Mohawk, sunglasses, large lips, a mustache, a nose as long as Pinocchio's, elephant ears and a goatee. A wonderful image indeed. 

Naturally, I decided to show this masterpiece to my friend and she took it, got out her pen and labelled my doodle as my math teacher's name. Friend A then went on to place my doodle onto our math teacher's desk (we sat directly in front of it). This annoyed me slightly and I then proceeded to take back the doodle and at the bottom of the label, I wrote:

"By 「Friend A」" 

Of course, I put the doodle back on the teacher's desk.

Friend A went on the take the doodle back and added my own name to the paper. I protested when she placed it on the teacher's desk but she, being taller than I am, placed it too far for me to reach. It was too late for me to retrieve it, as our maths teacher had finished his explanation on the whiteboard and was returning to the desk. He saw the doodle, picked it up, and then went on to announce to the entire class what we'd done. 

You can imagine how I felt. Embarrassed. Mortified.

...I ended up crying.

I really hated both my friend and my math teacher at that moment. 

At the very least, when Friend A saw me crying, she urged our maths teacher to stop and when our math teacher saw me crying he really did. 

I felt incredibly betrayed though. To me, at that time, I felt as though my friend had been purposefully trying to get me into trouble. For a brief moment, I thought I would never forgive her.

Most of the lesson, I did my best to avoid looking at Friend A and concentrated on doing my work. It was a tad difficult, seeing as we were sharing the same textbook. Still, it was about halfway through the lesson that I realized that my friend was crying.

I didn't know what else to be except astonished. I mean, she was crying? I was the one that was supposed to be upset! Why on earth was she crying?

Sure, I was mad at her, but it was only a doodle. I didn't even get in trouble. What was the point of crying over such a small thing?

This fact, as well as the thought that she was crying because of me made me feel extremely frustrated. So, I approached her at recess, and asked her quietly, "Are you mad?"

What she did next left me even more confused. Friend A burst into tears and walked away without saying anything.

Isn't that pretty selfish? If you do that to a person who's trying to comfort you, they'll obviously feel bad and become depressed as well, dammit! 

Leaving things this way would not do, I realized. So, before she could walk off again, I approached Friend A and said, "Can we talk?"

 

It turned out that the reason Friend A had been upset was:

1. The fact that I had cried in maths class had made her guilty and she thought it was her fault

2. All the negative feelings inside of her accumulated and she became depressed

3. The depression made her think of the guy she had just been rejected by and it made her cry

 

So it was only partly my fault. Depending on the way you look at it, you could even say that it was hardly my fault at all - more like it was the bastard that rejected her. But I was still mad. After all, she cried and waited so long to give me an explanation of why and I was left feeling so depressed and guilty instead. Still, in the end I comforted Friend A and told her it was alright and all was well. I really wasn't sure what else to do.

 

I believe Friend A and I have a strange relationship.

See, I don't think the two of us are used to having friends. We're friends who don't really act like friends.

To be honest, there was a time, quite a while ago, where we both admitted to each other that we had each only befriended each other in the first place because we each found each other 'useful'. Not a particularly positive way of putting it, but it's not too far from the truth.

She is smart, with skills in both solving equations and writing essays.

As for me, I have quite a lot of influence in the school. In SRC last year, sports council this year - I have a good relationship with many students and teachers.

We both admitted that our relationship was formed on the basis of using each other. And both of us agreed that we were absolutely fine with this.

That's why our relationship is quite...abnormal.  That's also why my actions today were quite unlike me. I am not a person who would usually seek to make amends with someone I'm 'using', nor would I comfort another of my own accord, being the socially awkward person I am.

 

Perhaps...just perhaps.

Has the friendship between Friend A and I transcended beyond what we had thought it to be?

Even just a little?

 

 

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