「Blank」

No one writes in diaries anymore.

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24. Friday 29th May 2015 - Twenty-fourth Entry

Last night's dream was a strange affair. I find myself understanding dreams less and less each time I have one. 

This time, the dream was more vivid than usual. I remember it so well.

It was evening and I was about to go to sleep. That was when this white dog suddenly came in and pounded into my arms and just from this I came to the conclusion that I suddenly had a new pet dog. It was average in size and was extremely energetic. I intended to have it sleep in bed with me when I then remembered that since it was new, it probably wasn't potty trained and if it were to have a little accident in the night, that would be bad...

So then, I lifted this dog out of my bed, and it seemed even larger than before. Being as energetic as it was, it tried to run around my room again but it was then that I thought that since this dog was to be my pet from then on, I should start taming it. With this in mind, I grabbed its leg before it could run and in a loud, strict voice, I hissed for it to stand still. The dog cowered. I could hear it whimper and even though it stayed still, it trembled. The reason I was so harsh was because I wanted to ingrain discipline into this dog in the early stages. Then, when it did what I asked, I showed it kindness. I rubbed its stomach and praised him with gentle words. What I wanted was to clearly demonstrate to the dog the difference between what was bad and good.

Thus, what I'm trying to say is that it's not exactly the dream itself that felt so real but instead that I can remember so clearly the thoughts that went through my mind at the time.

I dream often. I don't know why exactly but because of this, I cherish my dreams.

I seek to learn more about why I dream what I do every time.

 

In any case, school was both relaxing and tiring.

What I would like to mention, however, is the fact that my brother received the results for his violin exam today.

Guess what he got?

 

A+.

 

I can't remember whether it was happiness or jealousy I felt first but I do remember feeling a mixture of both. Or perhaps it was disappointment? I wonder, had I been hoping my brother wouldn't do so well in order to console my own petty mark?

I do remember thinking when I saw it though, "I knew it."

'Twas obvious right from the start he would do well.

 

After I saw his mark, I thought to myself for a while. How exactly should I feel about his mark? Happy? Naturally, I'm meant to feel happy about it - he is my brother after all and there's no doubt that I do feel proud and happy for him. But maybe that's because happiness is what I want to feel. I wonder, how are people's emotions determined? If a person thinks to themself, I want to be cheerful, would they be cheerful, or would their own mind or heart or whichever organ determines human sentiments take over and would we have no control? Even if I tell myself to be happy, would I really be happy? But even I don't know if I want to feel happy because happiness means I admire my brother and admiration will mean I'll never be able to surpass him. Yet how am I supposed to even know how I feel if I don't even know how I want to feel?

I want to feel happy yet at the same time I don't.

But at that time, when I thought about it, I realized I'd much rather feel happy for him than anything else.

I knew very clearly that I love my brother.

 

Then, my mother said, in a proud voice, "Congratulations, 「my brother's name」!" 

 

All that happiness disappeared at this point and it was replaced with resentment. I guess because when I got my exam grade, I never got a word of congratulations...She never used such a happy tone to address me about violin. It was always exasperation or nagging, yet with him, my brother...

My mother went on to tell my brother about how much our violin teacher wanted him to continue playing the violin but of course, with me, it was useless to consider it. I wasn't motivated and even if I was, I wouldn't improve. At least, not to a satisfactory level. My brother told my mother that he had no intention of taking lessons anymore...

 

In the end, I still don't know I feel.

 

 

This evening, I discussed with my mother how I should quit my current job. I've adjusted really well with my new one and I guess it's time to...move on. I have a shift tomorrow...but perhaps not then.

I'll need to think about it. 

 

 

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