aromantic - my story

hello,my (pen name) is sia lee,i am pansexual and aromantic.

these are my own personal stories written down on the internet,oh god.


1. 1 // realising

It has never even occurred to me that such a thing existed,I would've scoffed at the idea.

Then again at this time I believed I was as straight as a pin.

I'm not.

I never was.

At twelve I was pretending to have a crush on this celebrity that I actually loathed,just because everyone else had crushes.

I forced myself to imagine loving boys whom I didn't want to.Relationships are all girls want right?

Upon being around 13 and a half I realised yeah,I'm not straight,I don't really have a certain preference for the same sex either though,I don't really mind.

Pansexual seemed to fit just right.

Thinking back to my first proper boyfriend (I was about 12),I didn't really want a relationship.I thought it was mandatory,I had to have one.

He said 'I love you' too fast and I said it back,with little to no meaning.

What is love,even?

It became clear three months after my first 'heartbreak' (which I did not feel),I was ready for a new relationship.

This boy was tall,attractive,great hair and he had the cutest brown eyes.

I was okay at the affectionate stuff,but those three little words made me feel uneasy.Soon enough,being in a relationship made me feel the same.

We dated,on and off until recently.We had always been there for another and despite the fact I had a girlfriend was no different.I didn't cheat,I never kissed him again.

I would ignore my girlfriend for three months at the most and two at the least.I was scared,it always seemed that all my partners had been lovey-dovey and me,always.

I had told that boy with brown eyes I don't know if I love him and he smiled,"okay."


It might be okay for you but for me it's not,I'm confused and scared.

Can I not love?

Can I not fall deeply?

We had been 'Friends with Benefits' for a while and I liked that,I liked it a lot.

I decided that in the future I'd like this type of relationship again.

I do want to fall in love,and I know I can.

But I'll wait until I'm sure,I'll wait until I know.

Maybe I will have that type of relationship when I'm older,that person will visit me and we'll sit on the couch and cuddle,eat shitty take out in the bathtub,use bath bombs together,get a cat or something,do whatever we want to.

We don't have to say those words until we feel the absolute need,we don't have to because we'll both know how we feel.

Maybe one day we'll get married even if I think it's pointless if they want it I'll think long and hard about it,I know I don't want kids but maybe if one day I fall pregnant I'll let it happen.As long as I have that person I'll be okay,I will think long and hard about my choices.

One day when my oldest child asks what love is I'll smile,"You'll know it when you feel it,"

I'll know too one day.

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