Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



8. 8

Chapter 8

Ariana's pov

I raised myself above Luke's body, letting his lips hover above mine. "Don't we have to go back to your place?" I laughed softly, trying to take in every word he had told me.

It was hard to believe the stuff me told me. Like, that I was beautiful. It always seemed wrong when directed towards me, but I didn't think he'd ever lie to me. We shifted lightly, and I got back on my feet. The feeling of his lips against mine was the best feeling I had had in a while. I loved being wrapped up in his arms, and feeling his laughter on the back of my neck. I love the way he holds my face when he kisses me. I love how his hand folds so neatly into mine. I love how he looks at me, and how bright his eyes shine. But I'm very, very afraid of loving him. The thought of loosing him brought tears to my eyes, and if he actually left- I would just fall back into old habits.

"Yeah, you're right," He murmured, his breath tickling my ear.

His hand moved to mine, lacing through each other, giving it a light squeeze. I could tell he thought his words had helped. Well, they did, I still didn't believe the whole world could accept me. He could, he was the only one I'd probably ever be comfortable with. Luke slipped the black and white Blink 182 shirt over his head, and then grabbed my hand again. He lead me down the stairs, waiting as I locked the door behind me. I didn't know what he had planned for the rest of the day- I couldn't wait.

The drive was mostly Luke goofing off in any attempt to make me laugh. It was super cute, actually. However the thoughts of various cars ramming into my side of the door still pleased me. As we got off the main road, I noticed this wasn't the way to his house.

I guess he noticed my confused look, because he spoke up. "Going to Calum's house."

I nodded slowly, kind of remembering what it was like. As far as I knew, out of the whole band, Calum was the least found of me. As we pulled up in the drive way of the large house, I wondered how much time we'd have to spend with him. Of course, I loved all of the boys, I just didn't want to make them suffer.

"Just tell me if you feel uncomfortable, okay?" Luke said before we got out of the car. "I'm trying to be a better boyfriend, so this will help me."

I frowned slightly at the idea he thought he was being a bad boyfriend? Now, I really felt bad for hoping I'd never see him again. I didn't really think he actually tried. "Yeah... okay," I mumbled softly.

Luke got out of the car, and coming to my side to open the door and catch my hand. I gave him a light squeeze, following after him. We barely had to wait a minute before the door swung open and revealed a shirtless Calum.

"Happy Birthday, Mate," He smiled, sending a light smile in my direction.

Luke brought him into a hug then entered his house. We both lingered at the entrance, me feeling too awkward to go any further. The two boys mingled among each other, Calum not even bothering me to put me in conversation. However, I didn't think it was too weird. I mean, I was just Luke's girlfriend. It's not like I hung out with every single one of the boys on a daily basis.

"Hey, Calum, where's your bathroom?" I asked, hoping to be polite.

"Oh, just down the hall and to the right," He told me, and I follow his directions.

I shut the door, fixing the slight imperfections. I heard my name, and decided to listen.

"You wanna head out to lunch with Ariana and I before the party?" That was Luke's voice.

"Nah...I'm good..." his voice was a little unsure, and I frowned at the tone.

Was there something wrong with me? Why didn't he want to go out to lunch with the two of us?

"Dude, you're my best mate," Luke sighed, and then I heard a phone going off. No one bothered to answer it, which made it hard to listen. I could only hear a few words- unable to put them together. "Why...make an least pretend..."

"Okay?! say how I really feel..."

Their words were drowned out by my thoughts taking over. Was it bad? No, I had to know. I could tell it was going to be something bad, why else wouldn't he want to spend time with me? Why did everything have to be so wrong? I sighed lightly, fixing the last of my hair, and then exiting the bathroom. I had to act as if I had never heard anything, so Luke wouldn't feel sorry.

"Hey, Ari, you wanna head out to lunch?" Luke asked as his ocean blue eyes settled on my figure.

"Uhh sure, if you want."

"Calum's coming along."

"Yeah, okay, when we going?" Confusion settled over my thoughts, wondering what words I had exactly missed.

I told myself not to give into the sweet out side of Calum, he was going to be pretending. To not flourish myself with compliments that he would give me because I was the reason he didn't want to go in the first place.

Calum said we could sit on the couch while he changed, and we did so. My body pressed into Luke's while his thumb traced the pattern of my tights. Ninety nine perfect of me wanted to die, always has. One percent of me is utterly terrified of the things I'll miss when I'm gone. That one measly percent gets me every time. That one percent was Luke.

"Luke," I murmured softly, my lips barely moving from their place.


"Does Calum like... hate me?" I asked, hoping not to really arise anything.

I could feel him tense up at the mention of the subject. "It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't," he told me, and sensed that I was about to snap back so he added, "Just love yourself and you'll be fine."

Love myself? Hah. I can't remember the last time I didn't compare myself to the next girl I saw. I'd be in dance at four years old and know that I was fatter than the rest, that I wasn't as elegant as the other girls. I didn't know how to love myself, it was never something I practiced. It was never something I learned.

"And if that's not enough just remember that I do not love you to the moon and back," he murmured, shifting so his lips brushed against my ear. "That is merely 442662 miles, and there is no number in the world that can measure how much I love- for it is indefinite."

I couldn't help but feel a grin come to my lips at his cheesy words. "Just shut up," I laughed, kissing his nose a few times.

Calum cleared his throat as he tied his shoes. It was his gentle reminder that we weren't the only two in the room. I raised from my seat on his couch, trying to repeat Luke's words in my mind. However, the voices of discouragement clouded his words. I wanted to tell him what my love for him was, but I didn't want him to think of me as weird for comparing falling in love to drowning in an ocean.

I can best compare my love for Luke to drowning. See, it is like a never ending cycle. I am usually tumbling under the salty water, but sometimes the waves bring me to the surface, to back in the warmth of the sun, to feel happiness and love again. Then the current will get strong once more, and the waves will pull me under yet again. Yet, he's standing on the beach, back turned to me, earphones in. They must muffle my screams, I'm screaming as loud as I ever could. But I know even full volume can't block out screams this loud. All I need is him to come and reach me, because he is so much stronger than I ever could wish to be. But as I am pulled under again, I can only hope to never reach the surface, and for the waves to never let me go. If I just close my eyes, it will be over. But I'm still hoping for him to swim into the icy ocean, and help me to swim to the shore. But oh darling, we both know which one of those wishes will never come true.

I would never say all of that to him face; it'd hurt him too much to realize that he wont help me. I knew it's not that he didn't want it, it's that he can't. He will never understand, and I just had to deal with it. I will have to deal with his good meaning, bad advice he will give me on a daily basis. But the only reason I wont say anything is because I don't want him to realize how completely insane and out of touch I really am.

"What restaurant do you guys wanna hit?" Calum asked as we walked out of his large house.

I squinted into the sunlight, shielding it with my right hand. I didn't really care where we were going, as long as Calum was there, I probably wasn't going to eat much.

"Nando's, Nando's, Nando's," Luke laughed, punching Cal's arm.

"Oh yeah, how could I forget," he spoke, rolling his eyes.

I stayed out of the conversation, sticking to my own thoughts. I hoped they wouldn't bring me into anything, I wasn't funny. Well, maybe if you say acting confused and out of it half the time is funny. I could honestly only hold a conversation with Luke now a days.

"So what has your favorite meal ever been, Ari?" Calum asked, turning to my eyes.

Our eyes locked, me not saying anything for a long while. "I don't...know?" my so called answer came out more as a question.

No one out of the three of us spoke again, until we reached the car. "I can hop in the back," I suggested, knowing the front wasn't big enough for all three us unless I was basically sitting on half of Calum.

"We can all fit in the front, can't we?" Luke said, getting into the drivers seat.

I fought back saying anything, and glanced at Calum. He didn't look too uncomfortable about the idea. I told myself that if anyone was dreading this idea, it was only me. I sat on the passenger seat for a moment, then pushed the middle counsel back. The third seat was revealed, so I scooted into it, finding the seat belt. Whenever I drove with myself, which was rarely ever anymore, I wouldn't wear a seat belt. However, Luke was the responsible one, and he would make me wear it against my will.

The buckle clicked into place, and I could feel Calum shifting against my side. As I looked down at my lap, my shorts rode up. I sat up a little, pulling them down a bit. Even with my tights, there was still a chance that you could see my scars. I could feel Calum's eyes on me, so I glanced over at him. Our eyes met for a split second, before I quickly turned to the radio and turned it on.

"Jeez," Calum laughed, prodding me with his elbow, "if you didn't want your scars to show, maybe next time you shouldn't wear shorts that are shorter than a prostitutes."

I laughed a little bit, trying to show Luke I wasn't affected by it, even though I was. I knew that Calum didn't mean to hurt me by saying that, he was really sweet kid. I wasn't mad at him. I couldn't be when I didn't tell him I was insecure of my scars. However, I thought that maybe it was just common courtesy not to mention anything that might be qualified as rude. I didn't want to make a big fit out one little thing, anyway. I kept my eyes on the clock, trying to keep a smile on my face for their sake. The thing that really fazed me was the fact that he could see my scars when I did. I thought that I was always over reacting, that I only saw them because I knew they were there.

"Oops, sorry," I laughed, "Maybe I'll actually think about it next time."

Luke's pov

"You wanna head out to lunch with Ariana and I before the party?" I asked Calum, watching as Ariana went back to the bathroom.

"Nah...I'm good..." his voice was a little unsure, I furrowed my eye brows.

Why did Calum never want to do anything with me when Ariana was around? I always thought that he just wanted more guy time, but I never knew for sure. Besides, today was my birthday. Didn't he want to go out to lunch on my birthday with me? It never made any sense, I had to know why/

"Dude, you're my best mate," I said, raising an eyebrow. My phone started to go off, but I decided to ignore it. "Why wont you go out to lunch with me? I've been at your side with every girlfriend you ever had. It never mattered if I liked them or not. Can you at least pretend to have a good time once in a while?"

"Okay?! So you want me to say how I really feel? You want me to tell you how I hate seeing you two together? That I think non stop about her? That everyday I have to distract myself and fill my brain with anything, everything, but her. So that I don't keep thinking about what she must be doing right now.That I spend every fucking moment of my life cursing my own damn bad luck that you got to her first?"

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