Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



5. 5

"Until we start loving each other again."

"You mean until you start loving me again, right?"

After those words left my mouth, we were just staring at each other. Luke's eyes glossed over as he stared at me. I looked away, sobbing into my hands, he tried to come closer but I just stumbled backwards. I caught myself before I fell, pushing passed him and walking out of the room. I was very aware of his close movements, but I reached the bathroom and slammed the door in his face. I locked it quickly, knowing he'd get anxiety over that. He knocked the door a few times and I rolled my eyes, did he really think that I was that big of an idiot? I was not about to open the door so he could apologize. I wanted him to feel like he hadn't made anything up to me, because, well, he hadn't.

I leaned over the sink, feeling sick. I had broken up with the only person who had kept me alive. Sure, he called it a break, but we were never going to be back on again. I moved to the toilet, heaving up my breakfast. I felt sick to my stomach right about now. I washed my mouth out with water, and did a little skim of Ashton's bathroom. I needed to know if he had any blades on the premises. I silently went through the drawers, knowing Luke was probably trying to listen. I glanced up at the mirror, the sight basically ruining my whole day. I sat down against the door and started to cry again. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks in salty lines. I looked like a wreck, no wonder Hannah thought I was a freak. I had like fifty shades of dark circles under my eyes and I looked just absolutely horrifying.

I heard the door knob jiggle lightly and Luke's voice sounded from behind the door. "Ariana, unlock the door." I was silent, besides the loud chatter of my sobs, I said nothing. "Please, please, please, baby," he said, jiggling the door knob more violently this time.

"No!" I cried out, my voice hoarse from crying, "You're not even my boyfriend any more so get the fuck away from the damn door because I'm going to open it for an inconsiderate cunt like you, okay?!" I screamed, hitting the door with a fist.

I knew I couldn't stay there forever, but with all of this screaming, I knew I couldn't go down the stairs right about now. I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket and I fished it out. It was Michael, sending me a selfie with a slice of pizza.

Come down stairs, I saved you a piece from the others :-)

I set my phone on the counter and pulled my body up. Tiredness settled into my bones and I felt terribly weak. I splashed my face with cold water, waiting a minute before doing it again. I texted Michael back, hoping his answer would be yes.

Do you think you can drive me to my flat after you eat your pizza?

I really didn't want to be driven home by Luke, and I didn't think Calum or Ashton wanted to do that anytime soon. I didn't get a response, but I thought that maybe he was still eating pizza. I opened the door, Luke practically falling into me.

"Babe, I-"

"Please don't talk to me," I pleaded, trying to avoid his blue eyes, I feared I would melt under pressure and give into his perfection. "Please."

I walked down the stairs, moving the hair from my face. I forced on a smile and took a seat between Michael and Hannah. I still had to act nice to her, I had to act like I hadn't heard her hurtful words. Michael pushed a plate with two slices on it, looking over to me. I just shook my head, hoping he'd get the message, and looked back down at my phone. Luke came down a few moments after I did, looking a bit frazzled. He realized there was no more pizza and gave Calum the puppy dog eyes. I pushed over the plate that Michael had given me, trying to be nice to him. He looked at me, and sighed softly, knowing he couldn't get me to eat this meal. I didn't know whether to feel proud that I had gotten my message through, or sad, because he had finally given up on me. I looked at the people around me, wishing to happy. I just wanted to be normal, to actually act like a real person instead of a shell of one. I guess Michael had seen something in the way I was acting, because he tapped my arm and motioned to the keys in his hands. I said a quiet goodbye to everyone, earning nothing in return.

"I'll be back, I'm just going to drop Ariana off, need anything while I'm out?" Michael asked, raising from his chair.

I had already left and went to get my shoes on. I pulled them on, trying not to listen to their responses. I didn't want them to cheer because I was leaving. Though, no one questioned why I was going, they only paid attention to the last part. As I was tying my right shoe, there was a hand on my shoulder. I stood up, preparing to see Michael. But I stared into blue eyed beauty of Luke Hemmings. I wouldn't let him get a word out before I started to speak. He was not going to get me to promise him not to attempt anything, he was not going to get me to stay clean, or eat. He was not going to get a word in, because I wouldn't let him.

"You can call me when you love me, okay? You can fucking call me when you think you want me, okay?" I snapped, feeling tears gloss over my hazel eyes again. I squeezed them shut, every word becoming harder and harder. "I just can't promise I'll pick up."

Michael finally came, giving Luke a hard stare. Luke let out a breath, but I turned away and walked out the door. I didn't want anything to do with this boy anymore. I knew I was done grieving for his loss of interest in me, after three years of dating, it really hurt. The feeling wasn't mutual, no, not at all. Luke could always tell me he didn't hate me, he could tell me that he loved me. But, he'd never show it. He'd act like it when he was with me. He'd act like he cared when he was with me, but when he was with others he probably acted like he was paid to date me. Oh my God, what if he was? No, he can't be. If he was, then I guess he would have let me commit suicide. I turned around once I had approached Michael's car, wondering where the boy was. I saw him just exit the house, unlocking the car. I jumped into the passenger’s side, buckling up, and preparing myself for questions. When we were in silence for a long while I realized that he wasn't going to ask anything. It hit me as interesting, maybe he just didn't care. I guess I liked that better than acting like he cared. I watched the scenery go back, the towns and Shoppe’s slowly turning into houses and plain yards. He finally pulled into my condo, and I sat there for a long while.

"I-I might not be seeing you for a while," I murmured softly in his direction.

"I know."

I leaned over hugging him across the seat. He hugged me back, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. I wish I had someone to just hold me while I cried, but I knew I had lost the only boy to do that. Michael rubbed my back, and pecked my cheek lightly. I bit back a goodbye, wishing, and deep down, that this would not be the last time I was seeing him.

"I don't want to say goodbye," I whined, looking up into his beautiful eyes.

"Then say hello," he said, trying to make things cheery.

I sighed softly, waving a little before exiting his car. I thanked him as I shut the door. I walked inside my house, it was the first time in a long while, too. A rush of cold air slapped me in the face. I hadn't been in this house for a little over four months. I had stayed with Luke often enough that he had just given me the key. However, thank God, I hadn't give him the key to this house. I had slowly detached myself away from my house. First, Luke would come over here every other night, then I would go to his house two to three days at a time. Then, weeks at a time, and finally, I abandoned all connection with my home. I had made the payments each month, but it was never a lot. I had turned the power off so I wouldn't be racking up the amounts of money when I wasn't even using it. I took a look around my empty house, moving over to my fridge and throwing everything in it away. I knew it'd all be rotten or spoiled, besides, I didn't want to eat. I looked at my phone, seeing I already had three missed calls from Luke. I sighed softly, wishing to just go to sleep. I set my phone on the table, wanting for it to die out so he couldn't call me anymore. I walked up stairs, as slowly as I could, wishing someone would come by and shove me off my feet. I finally reached my room, walking into the old space, feeling as if it belonged to a ghost. So much had changed since I had set foot in here, but I was still the empty shell of a girl I had always been. I settled on my bed, then opened the curtains to bring some light in. A car drove up into my drive way, and I raced down stairs and locked my door. I knew it was Luke, and I didn't want to speak to him. I wanted him to suffer, and that's another reason why I hated myself. Luke didn't deserve any of this, I did. I heard the doorbell ring, but I just walked back up stairs. The noise outside my door continued, then began to stop. It was just a knock here and there, then a ding dong every once in a while.

Soon, there was no sound coming from beyond my door. I was shocked by the silence, it was becoming frightening. So, I turned on my radio, blasting the noise. I soon realized that I could cry, and no one would bother me. I could just do whatever I wanted, and no one would bother me. You can do whatever you want, Ariana, no one breathing over your shoulder, my mind spoke, reminding me of how Luke had babied me. With that thought, I raced into my bathroom, catching myself on the sink. I lowered myself to the cold tile, opening the cupboard under my sink. I was there for at least ten minutes before I dropped everything, and jumped to my feet. I opened my mirror cabinet, smiling at the sight my old friends. My fingers wrapped tightly around the blade that wasn't rusted over. I could feel the first smile in a long while before today start to tug at my lips. I set the cold piece of metal on the counter, and shimmying off my shorts and tearing off my tank top. I had forgotten how much I loved being home alone, being able to walk into the bathroom without Luke freaking out. I knew, with my past, I had some risky habits, and he knew that too. I hated how he acted to care so much, when he could have just left me, like he did today.

With all of this anger bubbling in my chest, I dragged the blade across my uppers thighs, making blood pour down my knees, past my shins and dripping onto the floor. I put a towel in my mouth so I could bite down on something instead of making a huge noise. I looked at myself in the mirror, realizing this wasn't all I wanted. I loved the feeling over the blade on my skin, something I had been missing for exactly two years, thirteen hours, and thirty seven minutes. Once I couldn't even see my thighs, I moved to my stomach. I hated it, Luke hated it, we all hated it. I dragged the sharp blade four long times across the softest part of my stomach. Then, as the blood began to soak into my underwear, I cut three times under my breast, but above my ribs.

I froze, thinking I could hear footsteps. No, you're just imagining it. Then, once again, three years later, Luke appeared in the doorway. This time, I flung myself at the door, managing to get the upper hand on it. I pushed harder, then began to feel a bit weaker, lowering myself to the ground. I could see Luke's figure fuzzy, coming near me and wrapping a towel around my midsection and holding me close. His mouth opened up to reveal a beautiful sound.

"Isn't she lovely, isn't she precious, isn't she wonderful?"

The end of my lips curled up into a smile, I wanted to die.

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