Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



3. 3

I sat on the bench for a little longer, trying to compose myself. I didn't want Luke to see me upset, he'd either get real fatherly, or, worse, not care at all. I had to put a smile on my face, or at least act like I hadn't cared. I looked at my blurring reflection in the mirror, leaning close so I could actually make out what I looked like. I wiped some imperfections of my makeup away, and some forming tears. I took in a deep breath, composing myself. Right as I stood up, the curtain moved a little, and then revealed his face.

"Well, waddya sitting around for?" he asked, grabbing my wrist and yanking me out of the dressing me. "We have to get to Ashton's, remember?" he said, forcing on a giddy smile.

I could see right through him, but that was fine. Both of us were faking. I laced my fingers through his, dragging him towards the exit. Luke didn't object, like he had earlier. He followed me along as we found the way to the entrance we had come in at. He didn't open my door this time, just unlocked both of the doors as he got into the drivers seats. I turned up the radio a bit louder than usual, putting my hand in my lap and staring out the window. Even though my vision was extremely blurry, it was better than staring at Luke. Well, no, I take that back, Luke was perfect, but I knew the longer I stared at him the longer I would find things to be worried about.

The volume of the music changed, making me turn my head to Luke. Confusion spread across my features, knowing that we hadn't possibly arrived yet, so why was he turning down the music?

"Babe, why don't you have your glasses on?"

"You mean the pair I completely broke or the ones that are so ugly I can't even look in the mirror?" I murmured, rolling my eyes.

He didn't say anything for a long time, and I contemplated turning up the volume again. "I didn't think they were that bad," Luke told me, casting a glance in my direction.

Hit me, hit me, hit me, I willed the car in the side view mirror. Soon enough, even though my blurry vision, I was able to make out the familiar look of Ashton's house. I honestly didn't know if the other boys had a real relationship girlfriend. I knew Ashton has been seen with this one girl for like the past two months, but I didn't know if it was serious, it was kind of like an on and off thing. I had never asked him, either, not wanting to be a bother. I have met her a few times, but I never really talked to her. Her name was Hannah, I think. However, I could be wrong. But, I knew one thing, if she was here, I was defiantly not swimming. She was absolutely perfect, great plump lips, bright blue eyes and blonde hair with subtle streaks of brown. Her figure was amazing, and, not to mention, perfect. She had almost no scars, no acne, nothing. I think Luke said something about her being a former model before quitting because she didn't want to be sucked into all those eating disorders. See, she was strong.

"You coming, Ari?" Michael's voice rang from my right ear.

I slowly nodded, realizing I had probably spaced out again. Though, what made my heart wrench was that Luke didn't even bother trying to see if I was okay, so I didn't embarrass myself. I unbuckled myself, moving my bracelets back down to my wrists. I got out of the car, not meaning to slam the door.

"Hey, what's up?" Michael asked after I started to walk up to the house without answering him. "You seem a bit... out of it, are you sure you're okay?" he asked, putting an arm around my shoulders.

"I'm fine, Mikey," I said, beaming with a smile just so he'd stop the questions.

I walked into the house, seeing Hannah and Ashton in the kitchen and Luke talking to Calum. Hannah walked over to me, embracing me in a tight hug.

"Oh my God, Ariana, I haven't seen in you in forever!" she said, giving me a perfect smile of hers.

I plastered on a smile, hoping it didn't look like I was in pain to do it. "Oh, Hannah, you too!" I said, laughing softly. "Are you swimming?" I asked, she looked like she was just gonna tan, but I didn't know.

"Nah, swimming's not my thing... I think I'm just gonna catch up on my tan," she smiled.

I nodded, "Oh, yeah, me too!" I said, glad that I wasn't the only one just going to stay out of the water.

I glanced over at Luke and Calum, and, even though my vision was blurry, I could tell Calum was talking about me. "Excuse me," I murmured, walking off to the bathroom.

I locked the door, trying to look at my reflection. I went a bit closer to the mirror, squinting. I looked pretty stupid squinting, but it was the only way I could see clear enough where I could tell if I had something mess up or not. I checked higher on my arm, my scars were barely there, I could barely tell if I was just imagining them or if they were actually there. Then, the ones on my left arm were covered with my bracelet. I was all good. If you were actually 'all good', then why was Calum talking about you? My mind asked, and I bit my bottom lip. I stood in the bathroom, staring at my reflection for at least ten minutes before deciding that if something was out of place, then fuck it. Though, deep in my brain, I knew it wouldn't be that easy. I walked out of the bathroom, and walking back into the kitchen. No one was there, I figured that they were all out around the pool. I didn't want to go outside just yet, so I walked into Ashton's living room.

I sat down on the edge of the ottoman, not wanting to really intrude when he already hated me. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through my twitter mentions. Some were cute and nice, saying like how Luke and I should get married and stuff. It was too soon for that, but I'm glad some people supported our relationship. However, a few were really different. I just furrowed my eyebrows together, and thought about what I possibly did wrong. lovelyluke: wow haha I didn't kno Luke was going whale watching ariqueen. A picture of Luke and I were attached, from about two months back when it was still sweater weather. Australia never got snow, but I sighed softly, wanting to reply to the user, telling her a witty comment. But, I felt like people would target me. Oh, hell, I didn't care. They were already doing that from recovering from EDNOS, and gaining a bit of weight because of that recovery.

I retweeted her comment, and favorited it. ariqueen: lovelyluke who pissed in your cheerios?

I sighed lightly, putting my phone in my back pocket and walked into the kitchen. The kitchen lead out to a large backyard, barely filled by the pool. The pool was large, yes, but the backyard is probably five times larger, maybe more. I sat down next to Hannah, putting on a little bit of sunscreen. I watched for a while as they goofed around, splashing each other recklessly. It brought a genuine smile to my face as I saw Luke laugh and play around.

"Hey!" Calum called, and both Hannah and I look over out sunglasses.

"Yeah?" Hannah spoke, sitting up.

"Hannah, come join us," he said, turning around and dunking Luke.

Hannah looked over at me a moment, but I tried to act like I wasn't paying attention. "Naah, I don't wanna get wet," she laughed, laying back down and pulling her sunglasses back over her perfect little eyes.

I bit my lip, not wanting to prevent yet another person from happiness. "Just go, Hannah," I laughed softly, trying to lighten the mood. "I actually wanted some time to myself," I told her, lying.

"Really?" she asked, already taking off her shirt and shorts. "Thanks."

I sighed softly, not saying anything at all. She ran and jumped into the pool, Ashton immediately pulling her small body into her arms. I watched them all for a few minutes, before heading back inside. I honestly hated the heat, but I lived in Australia for a few years, so I just learned to bear with it. I sat at Ashton's kitchen table, looking down at my phone. A few people retweeted it, and other just commented on how mean I was being to this poor fan. I squeezed my eyes shut, you can never win. My mind spoke. I ran a few nervous fingers through my hair, biting hard on my lip. It was visible now when I bit down, the blood over filling my mouth. I got up and pressed a paper towel to it, finding that it stung with a lot of force. When does all of this end? I asked myself, walking out of the kitchen and back into the bathroom.

I shut and locked the door, leaning back against it. When it ends you. I was so tired, physically and mentally I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. I was over whelmed by feelings of emptiness and sadness. I just wanted to tell Luke how much I wished I could be so much better. I knew if I wasn't suicidal, he would have dropped me. He just feels sorry for me, I know it, and his band mates knows it. Hell, the whole fucking world knows it.

I heard a slight knock on the door, but didn't move or speak from my place on the floor. "Ari?" it was Luke's voice. "Please, open the door, Ariana." I could hear the tension rising, I didn't want to draw attention to me, so I stood up and unlocked the door like a big girl.

Right as I opened the door, he engulfed me in his arms, "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, his hands still on my waist but pulled away enough to look into my eyes.

I shook my head, "I'm not.. I'm.. Nothing’s wrong, okay?" I said, not exactly finding the right words.

He sighed, "We should leav-"

"Oh, fuck no." I snapped, moving out of the door way to the bathroom. Luke's body was still wet when he hugged me, so now my shirt had a few droplets of water in it. "You are staying, okay? I want you to be happy and- and I just feel like I'm holding you back from it, so go back outside, I'll come, just go back in the pool with the rest of the lads."

"It's just... Ashton saw your tweet.. And then we couldn't find you so I just..." he spoke softly, unable to finish his sentence.

I frowned at the mention of the tweet, wondering what exactly he was talking about. What was he going to say? Was he going to assure me that I wasn't any of that? Or was he going to flip out because I was looking at hate again?

"You really shouldn't respond to the fans like that..." he murmured lightly.

My eyebrows furrowed together, I wasn't exactly planning on him to compliment me, but this? He was defending his fans over me? He can't defend the truth, my mind said, and I totally agreed with it. I sighed, softly, shrugging.

"Okay. I won’t next time.." I sighed softly, moving away from him quickly and skipping outside before he could talk more. I really didn't want to hear any more of this bullshit.

I sat down on the chair I had been sitting at before, laying back and shutting my eyes. I felt a bit of weight shift, and I opened my eyes to see Luke sitting at the end of my chair. Though, he wasn't facing me, I just wanted to kick him off.

"Hey, Ariana," Ashton said, but why?

I sat up, raising an eyebrow. "Why don't you come in the pool?" he asked, offering me a weak smile.

He's just trying to embarrass you, I tried shaking the thought from my head. "N-No.. I'm good," I said, mumbling the last part.

"C'mon, Ari," Hannah laughed, coming to the edge of the pool. "You're the only one not in the pool, c'moooon."

That's easy for her to say; she's skinny and... perfect, look at you, my mind nagged on. However, I put a big smile on my face. "Nope, I'm good... but thanks for asking.

Luke shifted a bit after our shared words, getting up. I laid back down on the lawn chair, looking at my phone. I scrolled through all of my mentions, following a few. I know what it was like to be in a fandom, you would want any follow with the person that had to do with them. A lot of times I feared I was taking Luke for granted, and I always hated myself for that. Luke was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I had probably let it get to my head.

My head snapped up as Luke settled in next to me, both of us barely fitting on the small lawn chair. "I'm sorry, baby," he said, giving my forehead a quick peck.

My eye brows furrowed in confusion, "For what?" I asked, looking up into his clear blue eyes.

"Well.. we should have bought that swim suit," he told me, shrugging.

Oh my God, stop fucking giving me emotional whiplash. I just shook my head, knowing I wouldn't have liked getting it. "No. I'm glad we didn't."

"Why not, princess?"

I sighed, not wanting to get into this right in front of everyone. "Just- never mind, okay?"a/n: oops sorry this chapter sucks but it'll get better in the next chapter (:

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