Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



2. 2

Chapter 2

I guess I had fallen asleep in Luke's arms because I woke to the smell of eggs and bacon. My nose scrunched up in disgust at the thought of food. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and my stomach churned. Things between Luke and I had never escalated past the intense making out stage. I could feel him slowly start to drift away, becoming more distant with me. I didn't want to bring it up, though, I felt needy already. Still, two years after my attempt, he still wouldn't let me far out of his eye sight. Sometimes I wished he could just go out on a boy’s night with the rest of them. I always felt guilty when he had to reject their offers.

I swung my feet over the bed, stretching. I slowly walked over to the bathroom, grabbing my spare pair of glasses. They were extremely ugly and I didn't plan on wearing them outside of the house. I stared back at my reflection, my hand guiding over my stomach. I bit my lip, feeling the warm taste of blood fill my tastes buds. I let out a shaky sigh, hearing the bedroom door open.

"Ari?" worry laced Luke's tone as he made his way into our bedroom.

I exited the bathroom with a smile, "Yeah, Lukey?" I asked, covering up the fact that I had any discomfort.

He smiled to me, seeming to fall for the trick I'd mastered so long ago. "Here's breakfast, babe," he said, setting a tray down on the bed. "Did you want to go to the shops afterward?" He asked, sitting down next to me, and wrapping an arm around my mid-section.

"Luke." I said, sighing. "This is one of your only days off, go spend it having fun with the other boys, please," I begged, moving the food around on the plate with a fork.

He didn't say anything for the longest time, just watching my plate. I finally raised the fork to my lips, forcing myself to down the eggs. I felt my stomach grumble at the sight of food, and I ended up finishing the rest of the plate without either of us saying a word.

"Luke," I whined, wanting him to respond to my offer.

When I looked over to him, his beautiful blue eyes had glossed over. My lips curled into a frown, wanting to know what he was thinking. A single tear slipped down his cheek, and he pulled my face to his leaving a simple soft kiss on my lips, before pulling away.

"Baby," he finally spoke, unable to hold his tears down any longer. His hand moved over his mouth before shaking his head, "I don't want to come back to your dead body," he breath, looking me straight into my shitty brown eyes.

I frowned, leaning into kiss him again. "You won’t, just go please go and have fun," I begged tears threatening to spill.

I really hated when Luke got emotional, because then I, too, got emotional. He stared back at me for a long while before turning away to wipe all of his tears away. He pecked me on the cheek, removing his arm from my stomach. Luke grabbed the plate and walked down the stairs without another word. I pouted there for a few moments, wondering what he was doing.

Instead of just sitting around, I went to my dresser, rummaging through all my clothes. I finally pulled out the perfect outfit, tugging the shorts on and grabbing a bandeau bra to put under the tank. It was always hot in Aussie, so I used to know where to cut and if people would find out. I don't do it anymore, on Luke's behalf. Though, I still wasn't ready for the whole entire world knowing, so I slipped on a few bracelets, knowing the few white lights on my shoulders were barely noticeable with concealer. I looked at my thighs in the mirror, if they inched up at all they'd see the worse ones. The ones that had healed without actually healing; the rough bumps and purple lines that scattered over my thighs. The worst places I had self-harmed was on my stomach and thighs, I never usually let Luke see any of that, though.

I was almost finished putting my make up on, just rubbing concealer over my shoulders. I looked at my glasses and sighed, setting them down. As I exited the bathroom, I almost ran right into Luke.

"Oh, hey," I mumbled out of surprise, maybe I should be wearing those God-awful glasses.

"I thought about what you said," He told me, taking my hands in his.

I beamed at the idea of being all alone in the house. But you're not alone with your thoughts, my mind reminded me. I squeezed his hand, turning to face him.

"We're going to Ashton's for a swim, okay?"

My eyebrows furrowed at his words, "We?" I asked, wondering why he couldn't just leave me here all alone to die. "I-I thought I said guys night," I grumbled softly.

I could barely see the frown forming on his lips at my words, "Baby girl..." he sighed, his voice trailing off.

"No, I know," I sighed, not wanting to repeat what had happened this morning. "Its fine, I'll go," I said, though not actually meaning it.

I didn't want to swim, not in front of anyone. I barely liked taking a shower in the same house as Luke, he always made me keep the door unlocked and I feared he'd come in and see what an ugly girlfriend he had. However, I hated being the person to hold him back from his friends, so I always agreed to go with him when he asked. I always felt like dead weight, never actually participating in the conversation. Apart from Luke, I was closest to Michael. Something about his love for video games always got me happy. When Luke needed to do recording I usually went to Michael's. Yeah, you heard me right, Michael has to basically fucking babysit me. Though, it’s always fun. I never actually thought Calum and Ashton liked me; I was too weird for them. But, whatever. I was dating Luke for a little less than three years now, so they had to have just not cared anymore.

"Good," Luke's touch brought me out of my thoughts, his lips planting a light kiss on my nose. "Grab your swim suit, we're heading there now!" he cheered giving me a cheeky grin.

I bit my lip, my heart basically sinking into my stomach. "I don't know where it is..." my voice trailed off looking away.

"That's fine, darling," he reassured me, "We can pick one up on the way."

I sighed silently, hoping he wouldn't hear how non ecstatic I was about this idea. I doubt he'd ever even seen the scars on my stomach, it wasn't going to happen today. I trudged back down stairs, looking for a pair of sunglasses. I rummaged through the glass bowl on the counter, finally finding the pair Luke had bought me a while back when he was in Las Vegas. I had spent about fifteen minutes gathering a few things for Luke and me. I grabbed my phone charger, both of our towels and sunscreen. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do today was walk outside. I put the thought away, telling myself to look on the upsides of life. Luke was turning twenty tomorrow, the big two-oh. I had to get him something nice. Yes, I haven't gotten him a gift yet. Every year when I ask what he wants he just tells me he wants my heart to be beating the moment he wakes up on the sixteenth. I didn't think that was a good gift, not at all. My life was probably the worst gift you could give someone. Luke's voice rang through my mind; don’t you dare be as selfish enough to believe you aren't important to me. He told me that when I was emitted into the hospital. Sure, I hadn't really gotten to shoot myself, but they still needed to make sure I didn't put pills through my body or any of that shit. Suicide isn't selfish, my mind reminded me. What's selfish is keeping alive someone who is so miserable they'd rather die than live another day in their own mind. I sucked in the tears, telling myself to shut the fuck up and compose myself before Luke comes back down stairs. I sat on the couch, switching on the teli for a moment. Not long after, I heard the soft patter of Luke running down the stairs.

"Ready, babe?" he asked, looking over to me.

I nodded, plastering a smile on to my cheeks, I had to be strong for him. Luke laced his fingers through mine, throwing me a perfect smile. He opened my car door for me; such a gentleman. He placed his hand on my thigh as we drove off to the mall. His thumb lightly caressed my thigh, I loved the feeling of his touch. It never failed to make me smile. I turned the radio up as one of my favorite bands came on; Oasis. He belted out the lyrics to Wonderwall. I laughed along, actually finding a bit of happiness in the drive there. However, when the mall was in site, I could feel my stomach start to churn. My nervousness caught up with me as we walked into the first store, PINK. Luke held my shaking hand in his, smiling the whole time I walked throughout the store. He walked in and out of stores with me, showing me skimpy pieces that made me blush at the thought of them. Soon, we concurred all the stores, except for one.

"Baaabe," Luke whined, laughing a little. "You're taking foreveeer."

I rolled my eyes, "Then we can go," I suggested, looking over to him.

"No, we have one more store yet and you haven't gotten a swim suit yet," he said, a look of determination flashing across his face.

I laughed lightly, trying to hold down my anxiety. We soon entered Forever 21, the last store. Luke found me, holding a perfectly cute bathing suit. It was an American flag bikini, it was cute, but it just showed too much of.... everything. I shrugged, looking at it.

"Go try it on, babe," he said, then following after me as I tentatively made it to the dressing room.

Luke waited outside the dressing room as I slowly removed my tank top and shorts. The site in front of me made me want to throw up. Flashes of deep gashes traveled through my mind, the blood never stopping. I pushed that thought away, putting the swim suit over my head and tying it in the back. I put on the bottom, biting my lip. It was just like wearing a bra and panties. I mean, of course, that's what a bikini is. I just hoped that, somehow, maybe even magically, it would cover everything I hated. I bit down harshly on my lip, causing it to bleed again.

"Have you got it on yet?" Luke asked, from outside the dressing room.

I didn't say anything, I didn't know what would stop him from coming into the dressing room. But, it seemed like the decision was made for me. The curtain, the only thing between me and regret, opened up. He stepped in next to me, his eyes trained of my thighs and stomach. I could feel the fury building up in my system, can't you see how hard he's judging you. My mind sprang to so many conclusions. So many insults from my own mind were thrown at me. I realized now that my mind hurt me so much more than my blade every did. Luke still hadn't said anything in a long time.

"Luke I wanna go." I said, my voice faltering.

I could tell by his silence that he wasn't pleased with what his eyes were showing him.

"Please, le-" before I could finish my sentence's Luke cut me off.

"Let's just not get this swim suit, you don't even have to swim..." he said, though his eyes were trained on the ugly purple, white scars.

I nodded, feeling as if I wanted to cry. I knew he didn't like my scars, I just thought he'd say something reassuring... like, they weren't as bad as I had thought, or even something cliché as hell. Wrong. Luke showed me they were worse than I had thought, that these scars were ugly and he probably didn't want to be seen with a girlfriend who had them. His fingers moved along the puffy purple scars the traveled along my stomach, his touch making me dizzy. Then, he moved out of the dressing room, letting me get changed back into my original clothes. I shakily raised my shirt above my head, and then pulled on my shorts. I sat down on the bench in the dressing room, feeling the lump in my throat harder to keeping down.

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