Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



20. 18

Chapter 18

"Dillon," I whispered softly, grabbing his shaky hand. "Don't be sorry."

"No," his voice was gruff, "Stop- stop doing that."

"Doing what?" I murmured, barely parting my lips.

"Leading me on."

"I'm not," I told him, shaking my head. "I didn't, and I never will."

Dillon stared at me for a while, before taking a hold of my hand. I let him, because there was nothing else I could do. "I either eat too much, or starve myself. I sleep for 14 hours, or I have insomnia for nights straight. I don't know what grey is, I never did. I know that I fall in love very hard, or I hate passionately. And, Ariana, I'm in love with you. All of you, not just how gorgeous you are. The way you hold a blunt to your lips with such delicacy I could get lost in your actions. The way you lig-"

"You fell in love with the way I did drugs?" I stared at him, though it wasn't too shocking. His attraction to the blunt was the whole reason I took one myself.

"Not just that. It was what you said when you were high, how in love you were, I could only wish I could have half of your affection for him."

I stared at him for awhile, knowing his whole life was competing. He competed with his brother, with the kids in his school, between which parent like him, and now he competed against Luke. The saddest part was that he could win against his brother, he could win against anyone. Anyone but Luke. But, competing with Luke seemed like the only competition he wanted to win anymore. It was the only battle he would lose, because I was stuck with the harsh heart ache that would always be my love for Luke.

"You will never match up to Luke, and I'm sorry, Luke will always be my choice. I will never love you as much as I love him, it's not even close and I'm not sure it ever will be," I didn't know why I had to tell him that, but it only felt right to know he had to stop dreaming a reality that would never happen.

"I'd hold your hand so fucking tight my knuckles would bleed and my veins would feel your bones. I'd give you all my love and I love everything you hate about yourself, I lov-"

"Shut up," I stared at him for a long while. "Be quiet, don't speak, please."

"You still love Luke."

I nodded, "I still love Luke."

"You will never love me."

A tear slipped down his cheek, as I nodded silently. "I will never love you."

"Get out."

"Bye, Dillon," I murmured softly, somehow wishing there was a reason for me to stay longer.

I wanted to hold him in my arms, hold him so tight that all of his troubles would be whisked away just by my touch. Something inside me told me that if I was his, everything would be okay. I wanted to help. I wanted to take away all of his troubles; I wanted to make him okay. I knew that leaving him now would be like if Luke would have left me the night I almost drowned in my sorrows. Something inside told me it would have been easier that way, if he left, because then maybe I would have died.

Looking at Dillon, the way the tears quickly streamed down his cheeks. I needed to feel his touch fully, one last time, before I left and maybe never came back. I did what felt natural, I wrapped my arms around his waist, burrowing my head into his chest. I let the fabric of his shirt soothe my cheeks, and his scent take me over.

"I tried the hardest I could to be what you needed, what you wanted," he cried out in tears, his strong arms taking my body closer to his. "To be what you deserved. But I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough!" he was screaming now, his face turning red and tears coming faster. "I don't deserve you, and I never will, but I can't stand the thought of your lips touching anyone but me."

My hands grabbed the back of his shirt, pushing him further into my grasp, if that was possible.

"If you're sad, baby, I will kiss the sad out of you, Dillon mumbled into my hair.

Maybe giving him one last touch wasn't the best idea. Maybe I should have left him cold turkey, with out anything of me left to grasp.

"Shhhh.." I said quietly, having to rip myself away from his grasp.

"If Luke ever does something... or y'know... you want to talk, or even just to get high, don't hesitate to call me. Please."

I swallowed hard, "Don't let you self be the seconds choice."

"I'd rather be your second choice than not one at all."


I saw his lower lip quiver, so he only nodded. His hand covered mine completely as he gave it a reassuring squeeze. Although, I could tell that nothing about what was going on between us was making his life any better. I wanted to believe that it would, but if he loved me like I loved Luke, there was nothing good that would ever come of this. I grabbed my bag, leaving before he could get another word in. I walked down the stairs of his apartment complex, wondering how okay I was going to be. Even though I don't want to admit it, Dillon had become a big part of my life. He was one of my only friends, and we had gotten close. I wanted him to feel better, but I didn't love him, not like that.

There were three phrases of three words that I never wanted to hear, and he told me the top one. 'I love you,' 'you have cancer,' and 'I hate you'. The words 'I love you' scared me. Love was such an intense feeling, it changes everything about your way of life. I didn't want to have to choose, or loose everything not choosing. Though, it seems as if that decision was made for me, I couldn't date Dillon. I don't think I would ever love him as much as he loves me. I want someone who could keep me grounded, but at the same time, kept himself grounded. Basically, I wanted someone who was the exact opposite of me. Dillon and I were so close, in our self destructive ways, the only thing we'd be encouraging was to harm ourselves ever more.

I know Dillon's the one with drugs rushing through his veins, but I feel like I'm the delusional one. He's a distorted image and I don't even know what happened. I didn't know he had these feelings, even though they were so strong and it seemed as if they were right in front of my nose. I walked into my house, taking a deep breath. I had a lot to do, and I didn't even know when Michael's 'ride' was coming. Hell, I didn't even know who Michael's ride for me was. As if on cue, my phone started to vibrate.


"Hello, Mrs Queens, your ride is going to arrive at your house in approximately 8 and 1/2 hours."

I glanced at the clock, it was noon, and the driver would be driving through the night. "What?"

"Not enough time, princess?" I heard Ashton laugh, in the background.

"I'm a queen, actually, hence the last name," I retorted, rolling my eyes. "But, no. I was just thinking that the drive would have to driver alllll night and I didn't want that...."

"Don't worry, Ari, I don't mind driving all night for you."

It was the voice I'd never forget. I've forgotten what he said, what he did, but I will never forget how he made me feel. It was the voice that forever sent shivers down my spine.

"I'm not worrying, Luke," his name felt like venom on my tongue. It was weird how I was so in love, yet so unforgiving to this boy. "So, see you boys in 8 and 1/2 hours, bye."

I hung up the phone, realizing I'd have to spend 8 and 1/2 hours with him in a car. Of course, the other boys would be there too. Then, I walked up the stairs, grabbing a backpack from my closet, and started to put clothes in it. I assumed I'd be staying the night, or something of the sort. I looked down at my current outfit, knowing that I was getting a bit hot. I had only planned on staying in the coldness of Dillon's apartment. I had turned off my air conditioning to cut down on the electric bill. I would turn it on when I got home, but why have air condition if no one was there? After I packed a few shirts, two shorts, I began to charge my phone.

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