Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



13. 13

Chapter 13

I ran a few fingers through my hair, trying to get it to be presentable. A light sigh escaped my lips as I moved over to the coffee make and began to make another pot. I quickly dashed up the stairs, because the faster I got to Michael's, the faster I'd forget about Luke. I got changed into ( this ) a black high wasted skirt and a white crop top with suspenders. I slipped on the black Vans I had, even though it was a constant reminder that Luke wasn't mine. I tried hard to shake the thought, and get myself engrossed in something else.

I moved to my makeup, putting on a deep red lipstick and thick mascara. Once everything was done, I texted Michael, letting him know I was on my way. I quickly walked down the stairs, grabbing my keys and heading out the door. Before me was something I hadn't experienced without Luke; paparazzi. They were huddled at the end of my drive way, right near my car. I moved my hair out of my face, preparing myself to say nothing. As I got closer, there was a lot of commotion from them. Usually they were just yelling at Luke, and shoving the cameras in his face. I was able to block their comments out. This time, it was different. I didn't have an arm to latch on to, or a body to stick close to. I didn't have a reason to block the mean comments out.

"Ariana! Over here!"

"Are you and Luke over?"

"Did you really make out with Calum Hood?"

"Did you break up with him?!"

"Did he kick you out?!"

"Did you cheat on Luke?"

"Do you hate Luke for what he did to you?"

That was the question that stopped me in my tracks. I looked towards the man I thought it had come from. I knew they were all waiting for a response, all their microphones and cameras pointed at me. I probably looked horrendous with my black eye. But, truthfully, I felt more angry and empty than sad or insecure.

"I don't hate Luke. That would involve actually caring."

I knew that any words I uttered would be the headline of all the magazines. That didn't stop me, as you see. He had tweeted about the lip locking with Calum. I knew that I shouldn't have stooped as low as him, but I couldn't help it. Being a horrible person was someone I always was. I got into my car, starting to back out slowly. I didn't want the fact that I ran over a few camera guys to be on the headline, too. However, it would be a nice treat after everything they put all celebrities through. I shook the thought, and focused on getting to Michael's house in one piece.

I turned up the music, hopping it would cloud my thoughts and make me forget about the things I should be thinking about. It was a long way to Michael's house, that's one of the reasons I had originally moved to Luke's house. I was far away from all of their houses, and if something happened to me, I'd be dead before he could reach me. No matter how much I liked the idea of that, living with someone was always nice. I hummed along to the song that came on the radio, a new song by Lorde. I turned off the radio, taking a turn off the main road and down a dirt path way. I didn't know why Michael wanted to live down a road that practically went nowhere- but I guess it took the attention off of him. I pulled into his long driveway, seeing no paparazzi at all. I breathed in the air, feeling no rush. Before I reached the door, Michael met me half way up the drive way. We hugged for the longest time, glad to be in the arms of someone again.

My face was snuggled into his Iron Maiden tank, while his hands rubbed my back. "Good morning, mate," I murmured softly into his chest.

"Good morning," he spoke, the vibration of his voice sending shivers down my spine.

We both knew I wanted to cry, I wanted to shove myself off a bridge; but we weren't that kind of friends. I went to him instead of getting drunk, or cutting, I went to him to forget, not to reminisce. I don't even know what we talk about just listen to the sound of his voice and to his laugh. And to the sound of him listening to me.

"What would you have done?" He murmured us still in the same position.


"If you knew this would happen, that you two didn't end up together forever?"

"If I had known thing would turn out this way...." I murmured, thinking for a long time. "I might have stayed up a little later, talked a little longer, and hugged him a little tighter." I whispered, feeling my throat tighten. "How foolish of me- t-to think we would've lasted, y'know? To think I wouldn't have regrets." I pulled away after a few moments, squinting from the sun light. I grabbed his wrist, pulling him towards the door. "C'mon, gamer boy," I joked, "Let's get inside before you shrivel."

Michael rolled his eyes, getting out of my grip and running for me. "Oh, you're in for it, Queens." He threatened. However, it didn't seem much of one when he was called me queen. That was one of the many perks of having that as my last name.


"Winner, winner, pizza dinner!" I yelled, jumping up and throwing the remote on the ground. I got in Michael's face and made a weird one. "You just got beat, fucker!" I laughed.

"Isn't it 'chicken dinner' and 'sucker'?" He whined that being the only comeback he could come up with.

We had hung around in Michael's basement playing an assortment of games. It was doing more than letting me forget; it was helping me smile and laugh. It was letting me enjoy myself.

"Well, Mikey," I said, ruffling his hair in a condescending way. "I want pizza for dinner, and not chicken... Also, you're a fucker."

"So you'd fuck me?" he laughed, pushing my hand away.

"Of course," I laughed, no voicing the thought we were both thinking; I was free to fuck anyone I wanted.

Michael lifted himself off the couch, switching the Xbox off and grabbing me. I learned after a while it would hurt less if you just let him do what he wanted, instead of struggle against it. Besides, it would happen whether or not I wanted it to. He forced me to the floor and straddled my waist with his knees and pressed his lips to mine. I jumped at the touch, shoving him away.

"I said I'd fuck you, not kiss you," I laughed, however I was well over struggling inside.

"No, I mean, Calum and Luke kissed you, I just wanted to see what the entire hubbub was about, and that’s all." He laughed, helping me off the ground.

I rolled my eyes, while wiping my lips. We walked up the stairs, him dialing the number to a local pizza place. We sat there for a while after he ended the call, on our phones. I set mine down, looking at him.

"What?" he asked.



"So how was I?'


"Kissing, you dumbass."

"Oh... um...hmmm..." he stalled for the sake of being an ignorant fucktard, I knew, "Nine point five."

"Nine point five?"

"Out of ten."

"But a nine point five?"

"That's a good score, Ariana," He laughed, looking at me.

"Well what was wrong with me that I didn't get a ten?" I gave him a frowny face, jutting out my bottom lip.

"First, you won at fifa, you little shit, and second, you called me a dumbass and fucker."

"That's not fair," I whined, kicking him in the shin under the table.

"Ouch! It's a nine, now." He laughed, sticking his tongue out.

"Oh, you little-"

"Whoa! Might wanna slow down there, I can hear the scale almost hitting-"

"Donkey puss!"

"And eight point five it is!"

"You're supposed to rate me on how I kiss, not how I treat you." I pouted, then heard the doorbell ring.

I shot out of my chair, stumbling towards the door. I flung the door open, grabbing the pizza. "Hold on one minute," I said in a sweet, sing-songy voice. I set the box of pizza on the table, and popped the case off my phone. I fished out the ten dollar bill and handed it to the person at the door.

I went back to the kitchen after closing the door and ate the first full meal in weeks.


Michael and I sat, cuddled up, in the den, watching tv. It was something on MTV about the latest stars.

"She was everything I wanted, but nothing I'll ever need."

Luke's voice filled the room, both of our heads lifted to see. It was a video of him pushing through all of the cameras and microphones shoved into his face. A lot of questions were being screamed at him while a recording of his voice rang throughout the speakers.

"Things for us didn't go as well as I wanted," it was now changed to a video of him looking awfully cold on the board walk, his blue eyes looking big and sad. "But I can only hope it was for the better."

Then another clip was shown, it looked like it was from the ending of his parents driveway; the night we broke up.

"Fuck her, and anything that has ever been between us.

It cut to commercial, telling us they will elaborate more when they come back. I heard Michael swallow, but look back down to his phone.

"I have to get to work," I spoke out, untangling myself from the covers that were wrapped around us.

I didn't have a work, but Michael didn't know that. I just wanted a reason to get out of here and on my own. I didn't know what I planned to do, but drinking until I dropped sounded great.

"Okay..." he murmured softly, following after me as I went to go get my shoes back on. "Want to hang out tomorrow?"

"I'll have to see... I might be working," I shrugged.

I hugged him after both of my shoes were on. I gave him a light squeeze before releasing him.

"Oh, and by the way, you're a ten," I joked, shutting his front door behind me.


Honestly, I just stopped into the first bar I passed on the way into town. It was already eight forty five, and the fact that I had spent the whole day inside kind of made me smile. I was laughing and smiling almost the whole day, and I was proud of that. I pulled into the back of the bar, getting out quickly. I basically skipped through the front doors.

I couldn't wait to drown my memories with the bitterness of alcohol.

It was soon before I began to have out-of-body experiences. Each time the glass was pressed to my lips, I could feel happy hour beginning to have its own meaning. I took one shot for every time I wanted to open my skin. It burned my throat, instead of my wrists. I just want to go away from myself, but I don't know how.

Hours, maybe even years, or seconds, hell I don't know, but they passed. I picked up the phone to call someone, but I'm not sure who. All I know is that the sun isn't coming up, and I've lost track of time.

"Hello? Ariana? What do you want?"

"Who's Ariana?" I slurred, taking another sip.

"Ariana, you're an ex for a reason. Leave me alone."

"W-Wait," I stuttered, suddenly afraid that the person would hang up on me. I had something to say, but I had forgotten in the time it had taken me to dial his number. "It's late and I'm lonely." I started to sob, though I didn't know why. "It's late and I'm crying, it's late and I'm breaking. It's late and I give up."

"Where are you?"

"Oh for fucks sake let’s get drunk and tell each other everything we're afraid to say sober."

"Ariana, you need to promise me you won’t do anything stupid."

"Promise," I mumbled, asking for another drink.

"You promise you won’t hurt yourself again, but you still keep the blades, just in case."

"Yeah and you tell me that blades are dangerous, but so are my fucking thoughts."

"Just tell me why you called; it's four in the morning."

"Tonight I told myself I would drink until my blood turned into alcohol, that I would drink until I forgot your name. I ended up forgetting mine first."

"I'm sorry for breaking your heart, but you need to know that I didn't intend for any of this to happen-"

"You didn't break my heart, you totally destroyed it... and I'm sorry but I would rather die than wake up tomorrow feeling the way I feel right now."


Again, please read: Lie with Me

by ellie for days

Because it is one of my favorite stories

( and I only have two of them )

Sorry for not updating sooner, things have

been getting in the way and I still don't

have my own computer, and I wont

until Decemeber ): But, I would

really want to thank all of my hearters




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