This is Me

I guess this is kind of a diary.
Delly did this first and I thought I should do one too.


2. 2

Is there a word for a break up with your best friend?

Because I had that

Let's call her X.

See, X is this girl who's absolutely amazing. She makes friends with people so easily, she's beautiful without even realising it, she's so talented. She's funny, kind and lives her life not knowing how wonderful she is. She has this one flaw. She's hardcore Christian. I have no problem whatsoever with her religion or anything like that, it's just that her views are so different from mine.

She once got her mum to explain their views on homosexuality. She said:

"God loves the homosexuals, just like he loves the drug addicts and alcoholics. It's the lifestyle that's wrong, not the person."

I couldn't speak after she said that. I couldn't believe the crap that was coming out of her mouth. It's not a fucking lifestyle at all. They don't understand. I felt disgusted at X. There's no other way of putting it. I was disgusted.

Especially because we have a friend (let's call him O) who's struggling with being gay. He can't help it, that's who he is. He's not living the 'gay lifestyle' at all. In fact, he's terrified of it. His parents are deeply religious as well and O's so scared of telling them in case they don't accept him. How can she think it's 'just a lifestyle'? How can she be so blind?

Not only that, but when I was talking to her mum later on about transgender people she called them 'abominations' and said they were 'going against God's will'. What the actual fuck. I really wanted to scream at her and shake her at that point.

Just gonna establish here, I'm bisexual.

The day I realised that X and I couldn't be friends anymore was one Monday at school. The Saturday before I'd found out that a girl I kinda liked was bisexual too, so I was happy because I thought I might have a chance. I wanted to tell X so badly because I was so happy but I couldn't. Every time I tried the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I knew she could never accept me for it. I'm not saying she wasn't accepting of my sexuality because she was. She just couldn't accept that it was me that liked the girl and not my sexuality. I don't know if that makes sense. Because it is a part of me, just like my scars. It's not something I can change and it's not something I want to change.

My sexuality isn't the only reason though.

When I was friends with X it was like I was living in a bubble. No one else really mattered. I hardly ever talked to my other friends anymore. The week before that Monday, on the Thursday I went into the city centre with my two friends Y and Z. I used to be so close to Y and Z, they were my best friends once upon a time. Not now though.

They've changed. Not in a good way, but not in a bad way. They've just changed. We all change. We're different day to day. These two, they only changed a little, but I noticed and it made me want to cry because I wasn't there. I should have been there. I should have been able to say that I stuck by them and that I was there for them. But I wasn't. I barely saw them anymore.

That hurt me in a way I can't really explain.

So one lunchtime I took X to one side and I told her how I felt.

Then she cried.

I'd like to say I cried too but I didn't. Not then.

Not until later when I was at home, alone in my room. When I sobbed and screamed into my pillow and stopped being able to breathe because suddenly it hit me that I'd just lost the centre of my bubble.

Now it's a very empty bubble.

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