Drinking, Driving and Drafting

Dean Winchester cracks after Castiel dies and spends months driving to states he doesn't know a thing about, drinking anything he can, and drafting letters that he'll never get a chance to send.


16. XVI


My letters are so short now, I can writing two or three per page. I've stopped at a motel in Dallas and decided to explain a lot. Starting with how I fell in love with you. 

I have brief memories from Hell. I could remember screaming, not just mine. I remember torturing so many souls. Then, after 40 years I see you. A mist of blue in the endless red and black of suffering. You had others with you but all I could see was your face. Your real face, what you looked like without a vessel. You gripped me and with the help of the others, you managed to get my destroyed soul out.

I could barely remember anything but you fixed me. Kept me safe and I healed. I think this is when I first started to love you. I literally saw you. Not the vessel you died in. When you put me back in my body I tried for so long to remember your face as I tried to find you. I couldn't. When you spoke to me in the shop and I fucked out, because I didn't recognize it as you, Cas. I'm so sorry. 

Once I found you it was you in Jimmy, I don't know what I felt. I barely remembered loving you. It was always just a twinge of pain and loneliness, lurking in the deepest corners of my mind, locked away. It took months, then years for me to fully realize I loved you. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell Sam. I spent ages trying to convince myself that I didn't love you but it never worked so how could I tell Sam?

About a year and a half after you had joined me on a case, people died. Jo and Ellen. I tried to get you to bring them back. You couldn't but you held me as I cried over losing them.

It was years later. We were both in Purgatory, you did some creepy angel mojo thing and disappeared. Benny helped me find you. I didn't know what to think. After everything and you just abandoned me. My mind literally changed my memories so I didn't see you pushing me out. I saw you letting go and slipping. Naomi pulled you out and used you to try and kill me. Cas, you broke that spell. You proved to me you loved me but I couldn't say it. I couldn't say "I love you."and I think that ruined me. I don't know what the fuck held me back but I regret that. I regret not telling you and I regret not kissing the life out of you. 

I died just over a year later. The mark of Cain had broken me. My soul was destroyed. It was twisted beyond repair in Hell. And the Crowley brought me back as a demon. I ran away, Sam found me and you held me back as I tried to escape. A few weeks later we found the girls school who were writing a play based off Chuck's books. Turns out they 'shipped' us. Apparently there was a lot of subtext. What they didn't know is I actually did love you. And I still do. 

Cas what I'm trying to say is I love you. More than the fucking world. I'd give my life for Sam but I'd kill myself for you.

You don't know how much you mean to me. So please, I am begging you, come back to me.



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