Close As Strangers.

I love him, I do. I love him with every ounce of my body, I’m just tired. Tired of pretending that I’m okay and that I’m happy for him because, I’m not. I’m not happy for him and I’m certainly not okay.
Could you live without the love of your life for 6 months straight?.


12. Try Hard

A/N this is from Alexa's POV AGAIN thought I'd make that clear as I've been doing Alexa pov and then Ashton.. 

-Alexa’s POV-

A light breeze hit me as rays of light entered the room, I rolled on my side trying to hide my face from the light but end up head butting someone else, “Ouch” I rose in alarm to stare at the stranger lying in my bed and the stare was returned from the moss green eyed individual. “Good morning to you too” His raspy morning voice filled the room, “Sorry I forgot you were here” I placed my lips on his quickly before lying down and snuggling up to him again. I let the silence surround us, thinking of all the unspoken words that should probably be said. I took this time to examine every inch of his face his usual perfectly curled hair was now replaced with flat bed hair, his tanned skin bought the green out in his eyes more than usual and the smile worn on his face showed off his perfect dimples. I ran my hands over the front of his torso wondering to myself how I ever got lucky enough to call him mine, he could have any girl yet he chooses to stay with me

“What are you thinking about?” Ashton chuckled, that’s another thing I love about him, his laugh, his laugh could make a million people laugh along. “Who said I’m thinking about anything?” I smiled, caressing his face with my hand “You’re face goes like this when you think” Ashton mimicked the face I ‘apparently’ pull “Wait here, I’m going to make you breakfast babe” he kissed my nose before leaving alone in a cold and empty bed, I laughed at the thought of my mother’s expressions when she wakes up and finds Ashton cooking in his underwear in her kitchen. The thought kept me laughing until Ashton’s return were he placed a tray full of pancakes, whipped cream, lemon, sugar and orange juice “My favourite” I grinned grabbing a plate and a pancake “Only the best for my girl and her mum” His face creased and laughs fell from his mouth instantly making me laugh thinking back to my earlier thought “What did she say?” I laughed smothering my pancake with lemon juice “Oh, Ashton you should really put some clothes on or you’re catch a chill” he mimicked my mother’s voice awfully - making me laugh harder “It’s midsummer..” I laughed wiping the tears forming in my eyes.

I finished stuffing my last pancake in my mouth and grabbed the can of whipped cream shaking it in my hand “Alexa I swear if that comes anywhere near me you are dead” Ashton read my thoughts just like always and I threw the can down on the bed in defeat only for it to be grabbed by him. “No” I screamed as he squirted it onto his hand to wipe it across my face “You got a bit of something on your face” Ashton laughed straddling my front and pinning me down on my bed “Yeah?” I leant up to give him a kiss and just like always he couldn’t resist kissing me back. My hands found his hair and I ran my fingers through his curls, his hands holding my face to deepen the kiss, licking my bottom lip he asked for permission which I happily granted allowing his tongue to battle with mine for dominance and the clear winner was Ashton. Pulling away, I laughed “You got a bit of something on your face” I pointed to the whipped cream that was now smeared across both of our faces “Totally worth it” I heard him murmur while getting up to walk to the bathroom. Quickly running around the other side of the bed I slapped his arse, for him to turn around and pick me up my legs wrapped around his waist “I’ve missed this” I smiled running my hands over his cheeks wiping away the cream and planting a kiss on his forehead.

“Alexa, I want things to be exactly the same as it was before I left, I love you just as much” Ashton had returned from the bathroom, his face clean and hair fluffy “Ash, I want that too but what happens when it’s time for you to tour again? You spend a good happy solid year here with me and the leave again just like that? That’s not fair” I sit up on my elbows to take a glimpse of the beautiful man that was now lying shirtless next to me. “Wait who told you we were touring again?” Ashton’s fingertips trace the side of my cheek his eye’s looking thoughtful, I pull my hand out from the cover and rub my temple “Harry may have mentioned it yesterday” I state not wanting to bring Luke or the proposal into this. “Of course he did” Ashton sighs removing his hand from my cheek “We can make it work Al, I’ll fly to you on days off and I’ll pay for you to fly to me, if you want.” I could tell he was struggling to find a solution “But what about my life? I can’t just drop everything for you when you want to see me, I have a job too” I was now out of bed and pulling on fresh clothes while Ashton watched.

 “Why are you finding an excuse for everything? Do you even want to be with me?” The harshness of the question surprised me I think it even surprised Ashton even though the words left his lips.  I stood staring at his with an obvious surprised expression painted on my face, “Don’t you fucking dare, you leave, you come back, you leave again. All while what? I’m sat here waiting. I’m sat here waiting to pick things up again when you come back just like nothing ever happened. Ashton you clearly don’t understand what it’s like when you love someone so much that it breaks your heart over and over because you can’t be with them. It’s like I’m grieving the death of you but worse because I have you, you leave, I grieve, you come back, you leave, I grieve. I can’t keep doing this to myself” tears were now running freely down my face. “You’re right I don’t understand it’s not like I don’t have to be without you either what do you want me to do Alexa? Leave the band?” He was now up and dress probably ready to leave “Don’t be stupid, I’d never ask you to choose even if I did I’d know the answer” Silence fell upon us,  I had nothing left to say and it was pretty clear that Ashton had nothing left to say either. Leaving the comfort of my own room I ran down the wooden staircase to grab some more orange juice, on my return Ashton had left and my room was empty.

The rest of Wednesday passed like a blur, I completed another shift at the record store surprisingly without being late. . Luke text saying my audition is tomorrow at 9am, I’m not even sure if I can go through with it. Ashton didn’t try and contact me which didn’t surprised me, don’t get me wrong what I said I’ll totally stick to but it shouldn’t have come out like that. When things are good it’s great but when it’s bad it’s awful. The way our conversations can go from light and happy to deep and heavy horrifies me, one second things are perfect and then everything hits us like a thousand tonne weight. Everyone’s probably thinking that if I love him, which I do that I’d make this work but it’s physically draining for the both of us and at the moment neither of us can be in the same room without arguing with each other. I have a lot of thinking to do regarding the tour; my heart is telling me that I need to go for him, for myself and for my life but my head is reminding me of my confidence and self esteem. If I didn’t have anxiety issues I’d take this opportunity just like that, not for myself but for him.

 Because I really do love Ashton.  

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