Chewing On Bullets

I promised myself I'd never commit suicide unless it was with a gun. My family never owned a gun. I thought it would buy me some time in hopes that things will get better, but every nights the same. Every night I number the odds in my head, and I contemplate giving up. Every night I chew on bullets.


2. Wind Down

It wasn't long after Jane left before I felt the hot tears sting my eyes. My mom always said some people cry when their angry, but I don't believe that. I honestly think the only reason why a human being cries is because they hurt. Some hide their pain with smiles, and are quick to wipe a stray tear. Others are loud about it, and though people like to say "attention whore" I honestly think they're crying for help. Then, there's people like me; We refuse to let anyone see us weak even if that means hurting people just to be alone. I don't like to, but I feel like there's no other way. It's like I'm timed to self destruct, and every new rumor and false story take a minute off my timer.

There's been days where I thought it was it. There's been moments where Mrs. Klair would give me a disgusted look, and where I'd meet piles of home work, and all I could think was "Just squeez the trigger and BOOM it's over. No more worries." I'd spend the rest of the day fighting the choke tears give you when you hold them back. It's twisted to be stuck trying so hard to become stronger for yourself while at the same time hating yourself. I guess everyone says they hate themselves, but I'm not sure who really does. I know I really do hate myself when I don't believe I deserve the right to protect myself against the men who follows me down the block. In the depths of my mind I feel I owe it to them to surrender myself to let them do what they want because honestly that's all I feel good for now-a-days.

Then, I hate myself even more for being so weak and pathtic.

I'd like to say there's moments where I'm alright. I'd love to tell you about recent happy memories, but the only good thing that happened today was that a man drived off when I told him I didn't want to get in his car. I was thankful he let me say no. I'll admit there is moments where only the back of my mind hates me. I only get that feeling when I'm with people, but even then you'll see me apologiesing for breathing.


I'm sorry I'm so depressing sometimes. I'm sorry if I even offended some guys with the things I've said. I guess it'd make more sense if I started from the beginning when I was young, stupid, and god damn hopeful.

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