She had awoken, her long blondish hair curled beside her warm breath. As she had gasped over and over again for the same satisfaction that the others were given. She was given no word on whether she could awake or even die. She was told multiple times, over and over; ‘You will not leave this place.’ The words echoed in her encased mind. Her skull was covering up the words she wished to speak. Being held back for so long, is it any wonder why she couldn’t speak? Perhaps not. She awoke with her hands fiddling together whilst she smiled with her beautiful lips touching once more. She grasped her pillow with frustration and threw it to the other side of the room. As the pillow landed, the white door sealed with barbed wire had opened.


23. CHAPTER 23



Thousands of lives could have been on a train. Not really. A train holds as many as the capacity allows. This train, our train on rails, I knew it was going for the hills. Dangerous heights if all I can think of. Final words are always hard to leave behind, I choose to write them, instead of being so formal and happy. I’m afraid. We’re left behind. One man has ruined our ride. Destroyed our path ahead of time. Happy times soon to come were dissolved in the treacherous fires I dream of every night…

- The Conductor

10 Years Ago . . .

Dear Fellow Son,

I always believed in a story. A tale if you will; holding back memories and leaving those you left behind. I was a sick little kid back then, a tiny amount of sand could make me who I am today. I see myself in an hourglass, perfectly shaped too. As time goes on, I watched myself fall through the sands below. Leaving me with little to no breathing space, I watched myself be crushed multiple times. Several grains land at the sides, as the others all get crushed and pushed underneath. Buried in sands: I’d call it that for a chance to be born again. If I was younger now, I’d have it all; a dog, a mouse, a true pet. I’d have a wife, some kids, a proper parent I shall become. I shall not, I was given no chances.

I was always a weirdo, a stranger one. They named me a man behind shadows, a man who had no angles. What kind of man am I? I’d ask myself that, son. I was given little to no change, no cash, nothing! – If you were with me in my younger days, you’d be here for me right now. Wouldn’t you? Why would you not? I know, I know, I ask so many questions in my stories. In my strange little world, am I strange? I tell myself at night that nobody knows me. Of course, I get it, I know what I scratched on the floors back in the Cells. I remember it all so well; left behind again, and again, I was left with little choice and then… I left it down to you, why? I had a son. And he was as good as new.

Mother helped me save you. How I loved to put you through and through; so much drama and so much new. What I wonder is what I did to you? Would you wonder outside or would you rather be dead or alive? I know, I know, I ask myself this too. If only I was as good as new…

- Yours Sincerely,

What am I? Am I really going to be a father? (Signed you know who)


The Little Girl sitting beside the train tracks of the large train set. As it looped and looped not wanting to stop, not even for a second. It was down to her, the girl was alone with a boy who had just met her. The days of a train accident, an encounter if you will. Would the train stop for those that loved you? – She asked herself so many questions. More than you’d imagine, she wanted to be known for what she had done. For how she slept, awoken in a world, a room with nothing but a boy who loved his train. And the rails, did it stop there? Not at all. The tracks continued, the rails looking fine and quite loopy as it moved to curves. The Little Girl could not believe that a little boy would want to watch a train go round and round for as long as he lives. Maybe even longer, if he was lucky to survive?

“Do you always watch this train go round and round?” She asked him, feeling afraid to backchat the train.

He nodded at the train as it went by. “Don’t you?” His smile grew wide, as his eyes closed.

She hesitated at first, not wanting to share her true thoughts on how trains were boring.

“I do like a train that goes by. It reminds me of my journey, how I got here today.”

He turned to face her, looking as if he had seen a ghost. “Really? Ha, I saw myself here yesterday.”

She gulped. “Saw yourself?”

“Yeah, it was right here. I was sitting here, and the train went by ‘choo-choo’ and then I clapped. I remember the smoke—oh the smoke! I don’t know if it was just me or you, or whoever. I saw someone here yesterday.”

She tried to throw him off topic: “I don’t think you did. I weren’t here yesterday…”

“Well, me neither. I thought that you were here alone. There was someone here, I saw him on the other side of my bed.”

“It must’ve been your dad. Maybe, a parent, I don’t know.”

“I GET IT—you want me to believe that it was you here. You helped me out, I remember it so well.”

The Little Girl trembled, fearing the young boy as he started to look a little insane; his eyes bulging out, his face looking as if he had been standing near heat for too long. His small hands were covered in some kind of dust, a thick layer of soot. His nose quite red, his fingers covered in bruises and cuts. The young boy stared at her as he waited for her to reply. The answer he was looking for was always going to be the train-way. It was the way to deal with a question, it seemed to him at-least. The Little Girl tried to stay calm, relaxing her nerves as she settled for his level of questions.

“Okay, this train? Does it always go round, or does it stop like we are now.” She asked.

“STOP? – It don’t simply stop. It keeps going round and round, the wheels never stop. The train itself, yeah, I’ve seen it stop a few times. I was wondering why it was taking so long for it to go back on track. Funny, I saw you here that day.”

“H-how did you see me? Where was I standing?” She asked several questions, fearing the worse outcome.

He pointed towards a small bed and a blanket resting over a table as if it was tent.

“Right there. You were staring at me, I-I was scared.” He froze in fear.

She held his little hands together and looked him in the eyes. “Don’t be. I’m here now, I was never there before.”

“How can you explain that to me without the lies?” He raised his left eyebrow.

“I don’t know. Not even I know the answer to that—but you and I, we can sort this together. I am here for you, I don’t know how long I have here.”

The young boy broke into tears, sobbing into his long sleeves. “THAT’S WHAT—you said before!”

The Little Girl tried to reassure the boy that she was real. That she was there for him, no matter what ever happened to the both of them. Rubbing his eyes for him, he retaliated and pushed her away from him. Feeling too scared to near her again, he fled into his tent-like housing. It looked like indoors camping, The Little Girl saw it as a place she could be warm in. Following him as the boy continued to sob on the inside of the tent, underneath the table.

Lifting up the left side of the blanket, poking her head inside to see what was going on inside there. She saw the young boy sitting there with a teddy bear in his hands; a Panda-themed stuffed animal. The boy was cuddling it close, afraid to go back outside of the tent. The Little Girl observed him, crawling inside as she took one crawl at a time towards him. With every crawl forward, she found herself feeling more desperate to comfort the young boy.

“It’s not easy it is. When the ones you want to keep with you are so far away.” A voice spoke inside her mind as she crawled further towards the young boy. – “Look how easy it is to make you feel like you’re the hunter. To make them feel like they are the hunted. The prey, the poor things that are going to be afraid of the hunter for years to come.”

“SHUT UP!” The Little Girl screamed, holding herself together, keeping herself under control.

“Don’t come any closer. I-I’m warning you.” The young boy tried to protect himself.

She raised her hands, revealing her fingers and nails. “I come in peace. I promise you, kid.”

“You’re full of lies, girly.” He sobbed.

“No, no, I’m not. I just want to make you realize that I am on your SIDE here.”

He nodded, trying to control his inner emotions, he extended his arm out towards her. Reaching for her hands, fighting the urge to pull away. She smiled at him, as he forced a smile back at her.

“Okay, I see-I see why I should be afraid of you.” He cried. “It’s just so hard not to let you go away.”

“Fight it. Don’t let it end me and you.” She cried out.


15 Years Ago

Dear Lost Son,


It’s beginning to hit me now, I never put dates down for my own reasons. Your last words to me, son; what were they? – ‘I hate you dad.’ – ‘Who are you to me?’ – You had so many words to tell me. Writing them down is a little easy don’t think? I ask too many questions, and sometimes I’m asking you questions that don’t need answers. Ever asked yourself why your dad, your father – left you behind? I do. I ask myself that all the god damn time. And even then, I’m still lost out here. For my own reasons, I’m keeping this to you and only to you.

Lost again are we? Never mind, son. These letters are so much more fun to write to you, the wife just don’t get it like you do. You know, how it always works out for you but for her… a different story to tell for another time, shall we? Okay. I’d move on from your little tale about your mother and I, I feel like I’d be hurting you like that. Your mother was never going to get it right, leaving you behind. How could she be so cruel? She was full of it on that day back at the train station. Choo-Choo, I remember. Yeah, it’s the same sound that wakes me up every morning!

IF YOU ARE TO FIND THIS LETTER – return it to me and I’ll be sure to keep it between you and me. How selfish would I BE if I kept this letter away from HE. The child who I love, the son I hate. Why do I wonder so much—I don’t. Again, you aren’t getting the answers right, kiddo. If my son was dead to me, would you be willing to send this letter to MOMMY? I know, it sounds so childish and badly written. I am no man of my word, I don’t speak the same as you all do. You all think words come naturally, birth gives you words, teachers teach you words. Bullshit, I’m calling the shots here, kiddo. You and I are going to rather kill him or I am going to kill you. It’s a letter of justice served by your own dad.

I APOLOGIZE if you hate capital letters. I never understood why I used them so much, me and them just get on more than others in my life. You send this letter away, I’m fine with that. You must be enjoying this, why else would you read to this point? – You Are Dead. Ha, I know. What kind of guy leaves a letter like this for a son? A guy who has nothing. You think writing letters like this is a death sentence? Do you feel like I’m writing a suicide note just for you? Look, if I wanted them all to know about my inner feelings, I’d make it known to everyone in this forsaken city that this planet needs me more than you do, kiddo. I need to stop calling you that, it’s hurting me everything is hurting me!


Just remember – You’re Dead To Me

- Yours Sincerely,

I ask myself why I do this (Signed Father Of A Son)


The Little Girl grabbed onto the boy’s hands as he pulled her towards him with force. She fell into him, her face going first into his chest. Her hands still enclosed in his grasp, she felt flattered by his kindness for letting her in. The voices inside her mind didn’t get her to give up. She ignored them as they continued to go on and off in her imaginational world. The young boy felt as if he had lost his words, he soon told her what he wanted to tell her from the start.

“My name. I don’t believe that I told you my name.” He sounded as if he was having a panic attack.

She nodded. “I don’t believe you did, either.”

“Well, paper. Pen. Surely, you have one, I need one – my name. You need my name!”

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll take the name, just give it to me, my memory is very good at well… remembering stuff.”

“Good. I love positive thinking, a memory or two is all I need and all I wanted.”

“Well, you can have memory, just remember this TIME. How I just met you today, remember how I just entered your tent. How I just turned up, how I was there for you, remember that?”

“I remember you from yesterday. I remember you today.” He hugged her tightly.

The Little Girl felt comfort in the boy’s hug, as it soon hit her on the fact that he hadn’t told her his name. She heard the ‘my name.’ and that’s all she heard from him. She stopped hugging him, sitting up from an uncomfortable flooring, she looked him in the eyes. His deep blue eyes, her eyes staring into his eyes. Speaking a quiet tone, she asked him the question that she wanted answered right away:

“What is your name?” She mumbled.

He sighed. “I’m surprised I never told you before. I’ve seen you, and I never told you.”

“Stop with that.” She resisted his lies.

“You’re trying to pull me away from the answers.” She looked back in disappoint.

“Well, so did you. Yesterday, you lied to me several times. How you told me about some ‘family’ coming to get me. Coming to keep me safe. I’m yet to see that and I feel older, not younger.”

“Ignore that. That never happened. I promise you, kid.”

“You make promises to good friends. I made a good promise to my good friend.” He hugged his teddy bear.

“Oh, right. The bear? I see.”

“Yes, he’s my friend. A good friend, good friends don’t lie to each other.”

“Kid, tell me your name. I need to know it, I feel like everything is around you.”

“Like my train?” He mumbled.

“Yeah. Just like your train,” she laughed a little as she said it.

“Always round and round, it stops like I said. The wheels keep going, that’s how I know we’re safe.”

“Your name, KID” she shouted.

“Calm down, girly. My name is—well, I’m told that my name is ‘Panda.’ And I believe it.”

The Little Girl could not believe that a boy had the name of an animal. It was strange to her, how she had seen the teddy bear; the stuffed Panda bear in his hands. How could a teddy be named a boy? She questioned the boy again, wanting to know whether she could understand him better. How she could trust him, how she could rely on him for answers that were never given questions to begin with. It’s all about links, and that’s all she wrote.

“Okay, Panda…? – I’m not sure why you need to know my name. So, let’s leave it at that.”

“Afraid of your name?” The boy mumbled into his hands.

“No, no, no, I’m just curious to why your name is, well, the name of your teddy.”

“Don’t be stupid. ‘Panda,’ is always going to be a name to me. It’s my name, I am called that here.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. Tell me more about your journey here. I’d like to know why you’re really here.”

He nodded a little. “Yeah, me too. My journey was through a dark sky, I remember it like it was yesterday.”

The Little Girl interrupted; “and did you see a shadow of a m-monster?”

“No, a stranger. You obviously don’t get out much. Afraid of the dark?” He smiled.

“No, I’m just curious to why you call IT a stranger.”

Panda revealed a box from underneath his many pillows that were rested on top of each other to make some sort of sandbag. He held the box in his hands, as he was unsure to what was inside. He felt the urge to kick it away, push it into darkness and leave it there. The Little Girl watched Panda take the box from his lap and place it beside them both. The box between them, both wondering what’s inside. Panda kept his mouth shut and pushed the box towards The Little Girl. She was as curious as he was; wanting to know what was inside and what might not be inside the box.

“Kind of like Pandora’s box.” The Little Girl mumbled.

He let out a giggle or two, as he pushed it closer to her. “Take a look inside, it can only be goods inside. Bad is outside, I’ve been out there.”

“What even is outside?” She found herself asking a stupid question.

He gasped. “NEVER GO OUTSIDE, I don’t even know why, myself.”

“This box. Do you always keep things hidden behind your pillows?” She made an assumption.

“Assume all you want. Yeah, if they’re out in the open, others can get to it. I was told that you would take it from me, steal it from under my pillow and just give me something good in return for it.” He whispered.

“What do you mean ‘steal it from you?’ Why would I do that?” She questioned what he had told her.

He started to shake a little, fearing her yet again. “You-you just, I don’t know. You were going to take it, right?”

She nodded, wanting to open the box and see what was inside. “I don’t mind. Stealing from you? I can’t do that, I don’t even know why you’d ask me that.”

“Me neither, funny how we know that.” He looked away from her. “That box contains something else. I was wondering if you were going to open it.”

His eyes moved towards the box, a sign for her to open it. She read the sign from his eyes and pulled the lid off with a simple grasp around the edges. Lifting up the lid, she looked inside as did Panda; to find that the box was not empty. It contained a small tooth underneath a plastic sheet of some-sort. On top of the plastic sheet were several letters, notes and shredded papers with letters on them. Some easy to read and others smudged or torn in half. Encased in a cylinder shaped plastic wallet was nothing more than flashlight. Two batters taped to the back of the box.

“Why would you hide this from them?” She asked, curious to know more.

“I have no idea why it is here. I was given it yesterday, and then I placed it underneath my pillow just like you asked me to.” He mumbled. “The stranger then came in and he told me about how the box contains goods. He said that the Bad was always going to be the worse. I didn’t open it to avoid the bad from occurring.”

“Good ideas, I just don’t like how you blame me for this.” She replied in haste of his accusations.

“Why would you give me this, girly?”

“I-I don’t know. That stranger, he must’ve planted it in your hands.” She came up with a theory of her own.

“Planting a box? What kind of seeds do you buy at your local store?” He laughed.

“Stupid, Earth-to-stupid, come in stupid.” She smirked. The box was mistaken, maybe? It explains why it’s with you instead of me. I don’t think I gave it you. Why would I give you something so pointless?”

“Making me smile is what you did with your cheesy jokes back there. Aha, I can see why you’d give me this.”

“I don’t, I don’t see why you would want this, either.” She folded her arms disagreeing with Panda.

“Think about it like this; I’m given a flashlight, two batteries, notes, letters and plastic sheets?”

“I thought you had the answer, Panda.” She sighed.

“Maybe, I have the question instead. The answer can’t be simple, think about it, girly.”

“I did, and I don’t like you calling me that. ‘Panda,’ I can see why you like being called that, kid.”


20 Years Ago…

Dear Dead Son,


Kind of has a ring to it, don’t you think? I thought so, I bet you did too. Funny, how did I just do that. Again, I’m not asking a question here. Calm yourself down! – Okay, okay, I got it, I’m being a little too hasty here. My old notes got lost again, and a stupid OTHER comes near me with that thing. Yes, I named it that. Sometimes, I don’t get you, son. Why would you choose to hang around with others when you could just have your family with you? You’d never be alone. I can now see why you choose this, again, funny how I mentioned the answer here. My letters, well this one, is quite different to my past letters. If I was to recall the amount of letters I lost in the post, I’d be dead by now.

Ah, I’ve lost so many of them. No, not letters… so many girls, I lost them again and again. Your mother is fine, don’t even ask about her. She was given her medication a few weeks back, I kept her in safe hands of a Nurse in a local hospital with the same-old crap she is used to. SON, it’s killing me to think that I might end up there one day. I’m sure day care is good for you, well, it’s a care home, I can never get that right. They treated me at your age, kept me inside and never let me go outside to see that wonderful sky I can see today. Again, I wonder why I found it so wonderful, when really, it’s always there for me. Now, you may see dark skies, rainy days, winter days, whatever… I can see blue skies, son and your mother just can’t seem to see that blueness I see. Do you think she’s losing it?

Inside again, yes, I know, son—I’m outside again, well, inside now. I just love to stand near the middle, makes me think back to school days where I had more time for your mother. Well, she wasn’t really your mother back then, kind of like now, hey? Too many changes in this world today. With all the rainbows, the skies and the same old- same old, it’s a wonder to why I’m still here, son. I call it a curse to know that you aren’t with me, again and again. Oh well, it’s Life.

GET OVER IT – JUST LIKE how your mother got over me.

Sometimes, I’m a loner, ‘a lone wolf,’ they’d call me. I’m not what you call normal. So, listen to me now—I’m a sucker for these kind of things; death, happiness, love, life, everything driven down to the bone. I’d go deeper, I really would. Your essence around me, it keeps me fresh and feeling like I’ve gotten something out of her. So, why am I here? Why am I still here? You don’t know, do you. Again, don’t answer that. Okay, son, I have this little time to tell you; your friends around you are nothing. Your people that serve you are something. And those that look out for you, well, you can drown them out. Kill them if you must. I had to take care of a little girl a few weeks back, left on the middle of a school bus. I know, I was shocked, I was more surprised with how on Earth—did I arrive on a fucking school bus?

- Yours Sincerely,

Losing The Will To Live

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