A short account of my experience with paranoia


1. The beginning, middle and...

I was sat in my bed, the door open and the light from the landing glowed through the doorway into my room.

It was night, no telling of what time, but it was night. I had woken randomly without reason, I hadn't had a bad dream, no, so why?.  I glanced around the room, everything seemed sinister, the shadows making my cuddly toys look not so cuddly anymore, they looked possessed. All the time I heard this tap-tap' noise. It was never changing, constantly, 'tap-tap' as if someone were tapping the floorboards on the landing.

My bed was placed directly in allignment with the door. I sat up and pulled the fat duvet close. I was only 11. My thoughts were jumbled trying to understand where this noise was coming from, 'tap-tap'.

The whole house was silent  apart from the 'tap-tap'.

The air was dead, no warm embrace, no cold consuming me,  just dead. And yet I had started to get goosebumps up my arms, my forehead began to sweat. I did not understand. It was like a method of torture, 'tap-tap'.

My heart began to race as I glanced around manically, expecting an attack from a monster of dark hair and pale skin. Thoughts clogged my mind, the faces of demonic possessed children and the certainty that I was insane and that I was going to die. I felt a presence in the air. Something was going to come round the door, with wicked claws and a sharp fanged face, its eyes would be red like rubies, or red like...blood. Fierce and hungry it would stand there in the doorway. But that never happened, I was sat there in my bed, the sound of the ' tap-tap' mocking me and the monster never came but I could always imagine, the scenario would play over and over again in my mind.

I was frozen, there was nowhere I could go and I couldn't scream for help. If I stepped off my bed a demon of human shape would grab my ankles and drag me down. 'This is the end  I had thought. In an absolute state of terror and paranoia combined, 'tap-tap', it echoed in my mind, driving me insane. 'tap-tap'; my body was shaking and the tears could not be held back, the tears were obscuring my vision which made everything all the more worse for me, as I didn't want to close my eyes in fear of when I opened them the monster, the creature, the demon would be standing in the doorway, silent  and staring.

 I was crying silently to myself, my heart tearing away from my chest and my brain thumping the 'tap-tap rhythm. I could not escape this feeling. The image appearing again and again of the clawed hand of this monster grasping around the doorframe, slowly digging its nails deep within the wood.

I would try to convince myself I was dreaming  and attempt to go back to sleep but the soft embrace of the duvet wouldn't help. I tried to convince myself I was suffering from some sort of fever. But no, the thoughts still stuck like chewing gum in my mind, the darkness still taunted my mind. 'tap-tap' it still rang, 'tap-tap' it beckoned the disturbed part of my imagination, 'tap-tap' it called.

I must've blacked out that night but when I awoke I was filled with relief, it was over, it was safe now the sun was up, glowing, banishing my terrified feelings and thoughts away. I didn't need to worry anymore. Well, not until the next night, but it would never be quite the same as that.

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