Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...


19. How to End Magic with Magic

Tar Machine was struggling to fight off the Burnt Peas. He was running out of what he had left.   “How much do we have left, J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” he asked.
   “We only have two options left, sir,” J.A.N.Y.I.S. replied.
   “Well, what are they?”
   “You can either use the arm pits,” J.A.N.Y.I.S. suggested.
   “Well, they’re worth a shot,” said Tar Machine.
   “Stretch your arms out,” J.A.N.Y.I.S. ordered.
   Tar Machine did so. “What happens now?”
   He wished he never asked. He saw liquid came from the suit parts where his arm pits were. It stopped the monsters and made them hold their noses to their disgusting smell.
   “Thanks, J.A.N.Y.I.S!” moaned Tar Machine. “Now everyone will think I have leaky arm pits!”
   Then the armpits stopped ‘leaking’. The monsters ran around the smelly puddle and charged again for Tar Machine.

  “What was the second option?” asked Tar Machine.
   “Run!” yelled J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “I like that one much better!” Tar Machine started to run, but the monsters were faster and they caught him. As they were about to put him apart, an even smellier smell caught their noses and made them drop Tar Machine.
   He looked ahead to see Fifi, wearing Princess Anna’s coronation dress, was spraying odour at the monsters. They ran away.
   “Merci, Fifi,” said Tar Machine.
   “Mon plaisir,” said Fifi.
   Then evil laughter made them turn to face Monty and his robots.
   “You smelly losers are going to get cleaned up!” Monty roared with laughter. Then he turned to his robots. “Get them!”
   The robots charged for Tar Machine and Fifi, but then they were greeted by flying arrows. And then they fell to pieces. Behind the rubble was Yakko Warner in an Aragorn outfit and carrying a sword like Anduril , followed by his younger brother Wakko in a Gimli outfit carrying an axe.
   “That was easier than I thought,” said Yakko. Then he saw his little sister Dot in a Legolas outfit carrying a tiny bow joining them. “Nice firing, sis.”
   “Thanks,” said Dot. “I’ve been practising.”
   “For how long?” asked Tar Machine, who caught the trying-to-flee Monty.
   “About two minutes,” replied Dot.
   More laughter made them face the Perfectos.
   “Well, let’s see how long you last against us,” said Roddy. Then he and the Perfectos charged for them.

   Yakko readied his sword, Wakko threw his axe at the Perfectos but one of the enemies’ shield deflected it back barely missing the thrower and Dot quickly realised that she was out of arrows.
   Shirley quickly appeared. “Quick, Fifi, like, give me some ice cubes or some junk!” she ordered.
   Fifi poured a whole tray of ice cubes into Shirley’s beak. Then the magical loon fired blue lighting on herself and soon she was wearing Queen Elsa’s blue dress. Even her hair had a single hair braid like Elsa’s.
   “Oh, nice show,” said Ruby. “But you’re not going to freeze us, are you?”
   “I bet she can’t even do so,” said Margot.
   But she and the Perfectos lost the bet. Shirley used ice powers to freeze the Perfectos, sparing only their heads.

   “Let me go, you overweight metal monster!” Monty yelled at Tar Machine.
   “As you wish.” The superhero let go and the spoiled brat ran for it, but he didn’t get far, thanks to Shirley.
  “Very exciting games,” said Snarls, as she, Odd-Blob and Goldfeather approached the heroes. “But now it’s time for some serious work.”
 Shirley stretched her wings out but nothing came out. “Fifi, like, more ice cubes.”
 “There are none left!” Fifi exclaimed. She turned around and aimed her tail at the three villains. They stopped and waited for Fifi’s action but nothing happened.
 “Lost your sense of smell, have you, Fifi?” Snarls called. Then she turned to her friends. “Let’s go!”
   Then rumbling made them turn around and looked ahead to see a purple eruption was coming from the top of Penon de Ifach.
   “J.A.N.Y.I.S., let’s go in for a closer look,” ordered Tar Machine.
   “Oh, how much closer?” asked J.A.N.Y.I.S. “You want to see underneath what they’re wearing?"
   “Oh, very funny,” muttered Tar Machine. “Now, come on! Be serious!”
   Inside the machine, Fighter waited for J.A.N.Y.I.S. to screen Rond and Jo still fighting near the eruption.


“You see, Brendian,” said Jo, as she held the pig down the ground with her foot, “there is no stopping my powers now.”
   She started kicking Rond over to the pool, but the pig started to laugh.
   Jo stopped kicking her. “What is so funny?”
   “You never even asked me how I know about your magic,” said Rond.
   “And what do you know that I don’t?” asked Jo.
   “Did you know your magic can be end with a hint of love?” asked Rond.
   “A hint of love?” Jo scoffed. “Since I never had a proper boyfriend, true love won’t stop anything now.”
   “Who says it’s true love?” Rond took her ‘sister’ bracelet off and show it to Jo.
   Jo gasped.
   “Oh, now you’re interested in me again?” said Rond.
   “No, don’t – No!” But Jo’s begging didn’t stop Rond from dropping her ‘sister’ bracelet into the pool.
   “NOOOOO!” Jo dropped to her knees and watched the bracelet fall deeper and deeper.
   “Sorry, Jo aka Queen Boffery,” said Rond, as she went to Hamton and Runt. “No hard feelings?”
   “No hard feelings,” said Jo. Then she turned and aimed her arm at the heroes. “No feelings at all.”
   Rond pushed Runt and the still unconscious Rita over. Then she quickly grabbed Hamton’s hoof and jumped down, but they both got hit on the back of the head by a purple wave.
   Jo smiled as she put her arm down. Then she felt the ground beneath her was unbalanced. She looked down to see below her feet the stones were falling into the Pool. She tried to run and but it was too late and she lost complete balance.


Back on the Calpe Sea, all the heroes could do was watch the purple light vanish and hear Jo's screaming getting quieter.
   "Look, they're falling!" Dot cried, pointing to the falling Rond and her friends.
   "Sir," said J.A.N.Y.I.S. "Thrusters are back online."
   "About time!" Tar Machine flew off.
   The rest of the heroes were left with the Burnt Peas. They were about to get closer to them when -
   "Sacred Blue!" cried Fifi. "The Ice! It is starting to crack!"
   "Everyone, get to the beach, now!" ordered Babs.
   Everyone started to run. Everyone, except the Burnt Peas who left into the warm sea and melted.

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