Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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3. Escapin' L.A.

The lids of every litter bin outside the back of the Dolby Theatre were flipping up and slamming down as the Tough Girls searched for the pigs.
 “Tough Girls,” called a guard. “You’re on now.”
 “We can’t go on yet,” said Snarls. “Goldfeather has lost her pearls.”
 “Okay, but don’t take too long,” said the guard. Then he shut the door behind him.
 “Anything?” called Snarls.
 “I found them!” cried Goldfeather.
 Snarls ran to her. “You found them?”
 “Yes,” replied Goldfeather. “I found…” She reached into the bin. “My pearls!”
 Snarls groaned as she glared at the plastic pink pearls that no one older than six-year-olds would wear.
 “I think I found them,” called Odd-Blob.
 Snarls and Goldfeather ran to the bin that Odd-Blob was at.
 “Well, where are they?” asked Snarls.
 “Right there,” said Odd-Blob, as she shone her touch on the trash.
 An unimpressed Snarls slowly went in and picked up a pink pig and a black pig. “What are these?” asked Snarls.
 “The pigs we’re after,” replied Odd-Blob.
 “Get them to talk,” said Snarls.
 Odd-Blob tickled their tummies, but the pigs made no noise. “Hmm, that’s funny,” she said. “They’re not talking.”
 “That’s because they’re not real pigs, genius!” snapped Snarls. “They’re pig dolls!”
 “Do you think our trick worked?” whispered a male voice.
 “Shh!” whispered a female voice.
 The Tough Girls looked around.
Snarls dropped the pig dolls down and grinned evilly with her golden teeth. “Good try, pigs,” she yelled, “but I’m getting tired of the game and it’s going to end right now!”
As soon as the Tough Girls split up again, a trash container lifted up. It was Hamton who was pushing it up, but the British pig closed the lid back down.
 The pigs stood in silence and darkness. They could only see each other’s eyes.
 “I think we can get out now,” whispered Hamton. “The coast looks clear.”
 “Looks clear,” the British pig whispered back. “But it could be – ”
 “Hey, who goes there?” demanded a different female voice.
 “Yeah, who is it?” demanded a different male voice, followed by a growl.
Then the container was shaking like an earthquake as something was chasing the pigs. Then it fell over, spilling out the trash along with the pigs with a cat and a dog.
 “Gosh!” cried Hamton. “It’s Rita and Runt!”
 “Yeah, and what were you and your friend doing in trash container, Hamton?” asked Rita.
 “We’re hiding from bad guys,” replied Hamton.
 “What bad guys?” Rita asked.
 “Hey, Rita,” called Runt. “There’s a crowd coming to greet us.”
 Hamton and Rita turned around to see the Tough Girls running towards them. Snarls had a sword, Goldfeather held a flaming torch and Odd-Blob held a device.
 “What are you carrying that device for?” asked Snarls.
 “It’s a drone device,” replied Odd-Blob.
 “It’d better be useful,” warned Snarls.
 “Follow me, boys!” ordered Rita. And she ran, followed by Hamton and Runt.
Then Hamton didn’t realize that the British Pig wasn’t with them anymore. He looked around everywhere for her, but she was nowhere in sight.
 “You coming or what?” called Rita.
 “Coming,” replied Hamton. At least he wasn’t alone; he was with two characters, not from his show, but from a show related to his.
 They came to an end of the fence. Rita squeezed through a hole under it. Hamton squeezed through, too. Runt dived through the hole, but he was stuck halfway.
 “I’m stuck, Rita!” cried Runt. “Definitely, stuck!”
 “Dogs, go fig,” muttered Rita.
 She and Hamton tried to pull Runt out, but he was too big.
 “If you didn’t eat so much,” said Rita, “you could squeeze through a lot easier!”
 “Eat?” said Hamton. “Eat!”
 “Don’t you start, too,” snapped Rita.
 “No, I have an idea,” said the pig, as he ran off.
 “Hey, come back!” called Rita. “What are you doing?”
 But the pig vanished.
 “Uh, Rita?” called Runt. “I think they’re getting closer.”
 Rita sighed and carried on pulling and pulling him. Then –
 “Oh, boy!” cried Runt, as he got out of the hole.
 “Hmm,” said Rita, as she lied on the floor. “Perhaps I don’t know my own strength.” Then she saw Runt running across the other side of the street where Hamton gave him a triple cheeseburger.
 The boys ran back to her and Hamton helped her back on her feet.
 “You left us to get a snack?” snapped Rita.
 “Actually, it was my plan to help get Runt out of that tight hole,” explained Hamton. “And I’m happy it worked.”
 “Right,” said Rita. “Now that we’re all free – ”
 “You can come with us now.”
 Hamton, Rita and Runt turned around to face the Tough Girls arming their weapons at them. They reached for them, but then they were knocked down by a car – an Aston Martini X12.
 The passenger side opened and the three toons were surprised to see who the driver was.
“Get in,” ordered the British pig, who was in the driver’s seat. She was not in her cleaner’s outfit anymore. She was wearing a tuxedo. On her right ear, she had an earpiece.
Hamton, Rita and Runt got into the car and they drove off.
 By the time the Tough Girls got onto their feet, a phone started to ring.
 “Hello,” said Odd-Blob, who answered it.
 “Have you got the pigs yet?” screamed the female voice on the phone.
 “No, ma’am,” replied Odd-Blob. “And they’re now with a stray cat and dog.”
 “Enough of the boring excuses!” screamed the voice. “Just get those pigs and cat and dog to me now!” Then the line went dead.


Sunrise hit the Los Angeles highway as the Aston Martini zoomed by. Everyone had been silent as the British pig was driving the car.
 “How old are you?” asked Rita, who was in the back seat.
 “Fifteen,” replied the pig.
 “And you’re driving?”
 “I took a course last year,” replied the British pig. “And I passed very quickly and now licensed to drive.”
 “May I ask why are those Tough Girls after me?” asked Hamton. “What did I do to them?”
 “Nothing,” replied the British pig. “They’re trying to capture you because their boss wants you.”
 “Why?” asked Hamton.
 The pig took a deep breath. “Well – ”
 “Pardon me, ma’am,” said the female robotic voice from the pig’s earpiece.
 “What is it, J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” asked the British pig.
 “We got a problem,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S. 
“Uh, oh,” cried Runt. “We got company. Definitely, got company.”
 The British pig looked in the mirror and saw that Runt was right. The Tough Girls are catching up to them in a yellow car.
 “J.A.N.Y.I.S., take control of the car,” ordered the British Pig.
 “Yes, ma’am,” replied J.A.N.Y.I.S.
 Hamton’s seat belt was fastened tightly.
 In the back seat, one pair of mechanical hands put Rita in a pet carrier.
 “Oh, great,” she moaned.
Another pair of mechanical hands put Runt in a pet carrier too.
“Hey, this is lovely,” he said. “Plenty of room.”
“What’s the news, Hamton?” asked Rita.
“The lady is getting out of the car and is now on the roof,” reported Hamton.
“WHAT!”


Hamton was not wrong. The British Pig was on the roof on the Martini.
 “Come on, Tough Girls!” she called to them. “Do your very worst!”
 The yellow car zoomed very fast towards them.
 “Goldfeather, do your thing!” ordered Snarls, who was at the steering wheel.
 “Eat dusty feathers, pig!” shouted Goldfeather as she aimed a gun at the British Pig. Out of the gun, she fired lots of feathers. The feathers didn’t float; they were flying towards the Martini as if they were darts.
 “There’s no way those feathers can’t stop the car now,” said Goldfeather. “If they don’t stop the car, they will spread dust onto them and – ”
 “They won’t do either of those,” said Odd-Blob. “Look!”
 The Tough Girls saw the British Pig holding a leaf blower and was blowing the feathers away. And guess where those feathers landed?
 “Atchoo!” The Tough Girls sneezed.
 “Way to go, feather – Atchoo – Brain!” screamed Snarls.
 “I did my – Atchoo – best!” protested Goldfeather.
 “Odd-Blob, how are your drones – Atchoo – doing?” asked Snarls.
 “They will be there in five – Atchoo!” Odd-blob sneezed.
 “I hope it’s minutes,” said Snarls.
 “Seconds, actually,” said Odd-Blob.
 A plane appeared above them and fired ten missiles towards the Martini.
 “J.A.N.Y.I.S., let’s give these back to their owners, shall we?” said the British Pig.
 “Very good, ma’am,” replied J.A.N.Y.I.S.
 The Tough Girls looked hopeful as they saw the missiles heading towards the Martini. Then they turned around and were flying towards them.
 “Ahh!” they screamed.
 Snarls did her best to drive pass the exploding missiles.
 “Well, that was easy,” said Snarls. “Dodged all ten!”
 BOOM!
 Soon they were in a destroyed car of dust and smoke.
 “Did I forget to tell you that there was a secret eleventh one?” rasped Odd-Blob.
 “Yep,” rasped Snarls.


Back in the Martini, the British Pig went back into the driver’s seat.
 “J.A.N.Y.I.S., let’s make our passengers comfortable,” she said.
 Hamton’s belt was loosened and Rita and Runt were shaken out of their pet carriers.
 “I’ve lost them now,” said the British Pig. “It’s going to be smooth – ”
 BUMP!
 The British Pig looked in the rear view mirror to see the Tough Girls in a blue car still after them.
 “Smooth bumping?” said Rita.
 “Ma’am,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S. “We are approaching Santa Monica.”
 This gave the British Pig an idea. “J.A.N.Y.I.S., set the destination for Santa Monica Pier.”
 “Right away, Ma’am.”
 

The Tough Girls saw the Martini driving off to Santa Monica.
 “Hold on, girls,” said Snarls, who was in the driver’s seat of their new car. “We’re going to crash them.”
 Then she put her foot down and zoomed after them.


The Martini was driving through the city of downtown Santa Monica.
 “Uh, oh,” cried Runt. “They’re still here. Yep, definitely here.” And he was right. The Tough Girls were still behind them.
 “I hope you got a plan,” Hamton said to the British Pig.
 “I always have,” she said.
 The Martini turned right and was driving on the Santa Monica Pier. 
 “What are you doing?” asked Rita. “You’re heading out for sea.”
 “Yeah, that’s the plan,” said the British pig.
 “But if we go in, we’ll drown!” cried Hamton.
 “Then hold your breath.” Then the British pig slammed her foot down.
Hamton and Rita screamed and Runt cheered as the car jumped off the pier and dived into the sea. Then the pig flicked a switch. Outside, the car’s wheels were covered up. Out of the car came submarine arms.


Back on the pier, the blue car stopped from the pier. The Tough Girls got out and looked at the sea.
 “Okay,” said Goldfeather. “We just need to dive in and get them out of the sunken car.”
 “Wait a minute, Goldfeather,” said Odd-Blob, as she got out a device. “The ‘sunken car’ is now a submarine and is moving away.”
 “Drat!” shouted Snarls, as she slammed the door on the car. Then the phone rang and she answered it. “What is it, boss?”
 “What have you done?” screamed the voice on the phone. “Can’t you handle one simple task?”
 “Look, ma’am,” snapped Snarls. “We’re feeling bad already. We don’t need any more bad criticism to make us feel worse. And how do you even know what we’ve done?”
 “I know more about everything than you ever will and I’ll criticise you all I want!” screamed the telephone voice. “However, all is not lost.”
 “Finally, good news,” muttered Snarls.
 “LET ME FINISH!” boomed the telephone voice. “I’m sending you each to a different location to lead new volunteers for our mission. We will find those pigs and there will be no more failures. Do you hear me?”
 BEEP! The line was cut off.
  “Here are our destinations,” said Odd-Blob, as she looked at her device. “And here are our new volunteers we’re gonna lead in battle.”
 Snarls and Goldfeather looked at her device and went ‘ooh’.


Back in the sea, the Martini submarine was calm and cool as the sea, as it carried on with its journey.
“Wow!” exclaimed Hamton. “This is great.”
 “Submarine system is running smoothly, ma’am,” reported J.A.N.Y.I.S.
“Thank you, J.A.N.Y.I.S.,” smiled the British pig.
“J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” said Rita.
“It’s short for Just A Nervous Yet Intelligent System,” explained the British Pig. “A parody of Iron Man’s J.A.R.V.I.S. for this story.”
 “Where are we going?” asked Rita.
“You’ll see when we get there,” smiled the pig.
“Oh, that sounds like fun,” said Runt. “Yeah, definitely fun.”
 “It sure does, Runt,” Rita sighed. “It sure does.”
 “And it’s a long way,” went on the pig. “So feel free to get some sleep.”
“Who are you?” asked Hamton. “What’s your name?”
  The British pig slowly turned her head and took off her sunglasses. “The name is Rond,” she said. “Jane Rond. PW7.”


On the sea bed was a big hole and out appeared Bugs Bunny, Lola Bunny and Daffy Duck wearing diving helmets.
 “And so Hamton, Rita and Runt have escaped the evil Tough Girls,” said Bugs, “and now they’re on their way with Jane Rond to – who knows where.”
 “Who knows?” cried Daffy. “You mean, there’s not much story left.”
 “What he means, Daffy,” said Lola, “is that he knows where they’re going but he’s not going to spoil it for the readers.”
 “Even I don’t understand what that means,” muttered Daffy.
 “Which is why you shouldn’t have this job of narrating,” said Lola.
 “Folks,” Bugs said to the reader. “We have some explainin’ to do to a narrator, so why don’t you just chill for a while and read the opening credits.”


Warner Bros. Presents:

• Hamton J. Pig (from Tiny Toon Adventures)
• Rita and Runt (from Animaniacs)
• And Freema Agyeman (Doctor Who, Law and Order: UK and The Carries Diaries) as Jane Rond, PW7 (Based on James Bond, 007) in:

‘ROUGE TOONS’

Starring:

Tiny Toons

Acme Loonversity

• Buster Bunny
• Babs Bunny
• Plucky Duck
• Shirley the Loon
• Fifi la Fume
• Furball
• Elmyra Duff
• Montana Max
• Gogo Dodo
• Calamity Coyote
• Li’l Beeper
• Dizzy Devil
• Li’l Sneezer
• Sweetie Bird
• Fowlmouth
• Concord Condor
• Mary Melody
• Arnold the Pitbull
• The Flea Family

Perfecto Prep

• Roderick Rat
• Rhubella Rat
• Danforth Drake
• Margot Mallard
• Other Perfecto Students

Animaniacs

• Yakko Warner
• Wakko Warner
• Dot Warner
• Dr. Scratchansniff
• Hello Nurse
• Thaddus Plotz
• Ralph T. Guard
• Pinky
• The Brain
• Slappy Squirrel
• Skippy Squirrel
• Buttons
• Mindy
• Katie Ka-Boom
• The Goodfeathers:
• Squit
• Bobby
• Pesto
• Flavio and Martia
• Minerva Mink
• Chicken Boo

Looney Tunes

• Bugs Bunny
• Daffy Duck
• Lola Bunny

With:

Tough Girls

• Ashley Greene (Twilight series, Butter and LOL) as Snarls the wolf (a parody of Jaws)
• Taylor Swift (Valentine’s Day, The Lorax and The Giver) as Odd-Blob the komodo dragon (a parody of Oddjob) 
• Demi Lovato (Camp Rock, Sonny with a Chance and Glee) as Goldfeather the peacock (a parody of Goldfinger)

And:

• Jennifer Lawrence (X-Men series, Hunger Games series, Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle) as Joanna Bayboy the teen idol 

Credits

• Written by Bobby South
• Tiny Toon Adventures and Animanicas created and produced by Steven Spielberg, Tom Ruegger and Jean Mclean

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