Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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8. Climbin' the K2

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “What, J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” asked Rond.
   “I have located the next orb,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “Carry on,” said Rond.
   “The orb is around the – ”
   BANG!
   The plane was shaking with fire.
   “What’s happening?” asked Rita.
   “Don’t know,” said Runt. “Definitely don’t know.”
   “What will we do?” asked Hamton.
   Rond went over to the cockpit and sat in the pilot seat. “J.A.N.Y.I.S., switch this plane to manual and save your energy for repairs for whatever the plane may get when crash-landed.”
   “Yes, ma’am,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   Rond turned her head around to face her team. “As for the rest of you, fasten your seatbelts and let there be no smoke.”
   “But the plane is smoking,” said Hamton.
   “I meant, don’t light up any cigarettes up,” said Rond.
   Then she turned around and saw they were approaching enormous snowy mountains. She steered the plane away from the mountains, but there was little rumble on the right and the whole plane started spinning out of control.
   “ROND, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” yelled Rita, as she, Hamton and Runt, through fastened in their seats, were spinning around.
   “IT’S NOT ME!” Rond protested back. “IT’S – ” Then she looked ahead and, despite still spinning around,  saw what was ahead. “MOUNTAINS!” she yelled and closed her eyes.


“Oh. Oh!”
   When she regained conscious, Rond didn’t know if she was either too stiff or too cold to move. On the positive side, she was glad to be alive. She slowly started to get back on her hooves and looked around. She saw now that she was at the bottom of a very big mountain with lots of snow on it.
   Rond saw also Big Nellie crashed near at the bottom. She ran over to it. But as she made her way over, she heard something coming behind. She reached for her pocket, quickly turned around and fired a large, powerful…
   “Hairdryer?” asked Rita, as she popped her head out of the snow. Hamton and Runt popped their heads out of the snow, too.
   “Not just any old hairdryer,” said Rond. “This is the most powerful anti freeze gun, AKA the Anti Freezer. Can heat up to nine hundred degrees.”
   Rond fired the enormous hairdryer at the snow beneath her three friends and they were soon free from the snow.
   “Hey, Rita, my paws feel warm again,” said Runt.
   “Well, thank the hairdryer for warming them,” said Rita.
   Rond put the hairdryer away and got out her tracker. “According to my tracker,” she said, “the orb is on top of K2.”
   “And where is this K2?” asked Hamton.
   When Rond looked up, so did her friends and their mouths dropped looking at the very high mountain. 
   “Just be glad it’s not Everest,” said Rond, as she chucked Hamton a rope with a hook.
   “We’re not really going to climb up there, are we?” said Hamton. “Couldn’t J.A.N.Y.I.S. send us – ”
   “She’s busy repairing the ship as we speak,” replied Rond, pointing to the ship.
   Her friends looked to see the crashed Big Nellie being fizzled and lighted up and everything.
   “Now, let’s get climbing,” said Rond.


Soon, the rouge four were busy climbing the big mountain. Or rather Hamton, Rita and Runt were hanging at the end of the rope while Rond was doing all the climbing with all the ice axes.
   “Are we nearly there yet?” called Hamton.
   “We only started five minutes ago,” said Runt. “Definitely five minutes.”
   “Try to enjoy the view,” said Rond. She looked down. “Hey, look on your right. There’s a whole group of Game of Thrones cosplayers doing some sort of a climbing event.”
   “What climbing event?” asked Runt.
   “Some sort of charity, I don’t know,” said Rond.
   The three toons saw the group that looked a lot of Jon Snow and the Wildings climbing up the wall.
   “I bet we’re nearly there,” said the man who looked a lot like Jon Snow.
   “You know nothing, Bon Show,” a woman that looked like Ygritte chuckled.
   “Yeah, you told me that a hundred times,” muttered Bon Show. “Can’t think of something else to say?”
   Rita turned left. “Check out the poor man and his pet.”
   Everyone turned left to see a mountain man that looked a lot like Kristoff from Frozen and a reindeer that looked like Sven climbing up the mountain with ice axes too.
   “This ice should make us rich, Ben,” said the mountain man.
   “‘I still don’t know if this dangerous mission is worth the money’,” he said, putting on a made-up voice for the reindeer.
   “Oh, nonsense, Ben,” the man went on. “This will make rich before – ”
   Then his pick axe broke off.
   “‘We’re dead’,” the mountain man said for Ben.
   Then they both fell down.
   “Okay, if there’s no more parody cameos left,” said Rond, “can we carry on?”
   “Sure,” said her friends at the end of the rope.
   “Right,” said Rond. She let out a sigh of relief and continued climbing up.
   “Er, Jane?” called Hamton.
   “I’m not stopping unless it’s really important, Hamton,” said Rond.
   “There are some ice climbers down below us,” said Rita. “And they don’t look friendly.”
   Rond kept on climbing up, but she dug the ice axes much quieter so she could hear the giggling down below.
   “Oh, lookie, a cutie kitten and puppy,” cried one female voice.
   “Ew, what stinking, winking, piggy wiggys!” moaned a female voice that sounded the same.
   Rond gulped. “That was not by any chance – ”
   “Elmyra?” said Hamton. “You bet your gadgets it is.”
   “And not just one,” added Rita.
   “What do you mean ‘not just one’?” asked Rond.
   “There’s an army of them,” Rita explained.
   “There’s thirty four of them,” said Runt. “Definitely thirty four.”
   “And they’re gaining on us!” cried Hamton.
   But Rond was still climbing up.
   “Aren’t you going to do something about it?” asked Rita.
   “I’m thinking as I’m climbing up,” said Rond. “Now, shut up and let me think.”
   As Rond kept on climbing up, Hamton, Rita and Runt looked down to see all the Elmyra Duffs in their Eskimo coats catching up to them.
   “How come there are so many of them?” asked Runt. “Huh? How come? Huh?”
   “I don’t know,” said Hamton. “But I bet one is the real Elmyra and the others are clones.”
   “Hold on as tight as you can,” said Rond.
   “Why, what are you going to do?” asked Hamton.
   “This.”
   Hamton, Rita and Runt didn’t understand what she said but soon they did, even though they wish they hadn’t. They were being waved from left to right by the rope and it was Rond who was waving the rope.
   “What are you doing, Jane?” cried Hamton.
   “You’ll see,” said Rond.
   The three toons looked right to see three evil-giggling Elmyras reaching for them when they knocked them off the wall.
   As they swung back left, they knocked off five more Elmyras.
   “Hey, Runt, how many have we knocked off?” asked Rond.
   “Eight,” replied Runt. “Twenty-six left to go.”
   And so Rond kept swinging her three friends, knocking the Elmyras off as they climbed up.
   “Thirteen,” Runt counted down. “Ten… Seven… Five… Three… Two… One… Zero.”
   “Thanks, Runt,” said Rond. “Now, let’s get back to the top before anything else happens.”


It wasn’t long (about seven minutes really) until Rond reached the top of the mountain. Then she saw that she was greeted by two strange figures.
   “Eww!” moaned Elmyra. “Not a stinky, winky – ”
   “Is this the real Elmyra, Goldfeather?” asked Rond. “Or is this just another clone?”
   “I’m a clone?” asked Elmyra.
   Goldfeather looked puzzled. “I’m not sure,” she said.
   Rond looked ahead. “And I take it that that cannon in the middle of nowhere over there is the same one that shot our plane down?” 
   Goldfeather turned around and looked at the cannon. “I’ve forgotten,” she said.
   Goldfeather turned back around and saw that Rond and her team were not hanging on the cliff anymore.
   “Where are they?” asked Elmyra.
   “Maybe they’ve fallen off,” said Goldfeather.
   “Yeah, we’ve fallen off.”
   Goldfeather turned back around to see Rond and her friends about fifty yards away from them.
   “Oh, well, there you go, then,” said Goldfeather, who was feeling proud for some reason. Then she shook her head and took another at Rond and her friends running off.
   “After her, Elmyra!” cried Goldfeather.
   They ran after them, but they didn’t get very far a cage trapped them in.
   “Hey, let us out!” yelled Goldfeather.
   “Oh, you won’t be trapped in this cage for too long,” said Rond. “It will automatically release you.”
   Goldfeather and Elmyra let out a sigh of relief.
   “You just have to wait for twenty years,” said Rond. Then she and her friends left.
   “Oh, that’s okay,” said Goldfeather.
   She and Elmyra closed her eyes and smiled. Then they opened their eyes, realised what Rond had just said and dropped their mouths wide opened.
   “Hey, let us out of here!” yelled Goldfeather.
   “I need to touch fur again!” yelled Elmyra.
   “You could stroke my feathers,” said Goldfeather.
   “They’re not as smooth as fur,” said Elmyra.
   Then they continued to scream on top of K2 where no one could hear them except the snowy wind.

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