Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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5. A Day in a Spy School

The school bell rang, which Hamton assumed that meant the lessons were over. After showering and changing in the male changing rooms, he walked out and bumped into Runt.
   “Had a good day, Runt?” asked Hamton.
   “Yeah, good, definitely good,” smiled Runt. “Had a good morning of eating yummy paperwork, even with all those teachers telling me off.”
   “I see you enjoyed our game of football, too,” said Hamton.
   The previous hour and a half had Hamton play English football with his House Tayboy, and Runt with his House Bark. Hamton was never big on sports, even though he tried many times back at Acme Loonversity with his friends, and he kept dodging the ball in fear of getting hit by the ball.
   But House Bark was doing no better as Runt kept getting the ball but tried to bite it.
   “I had a good day, too,” said Hamton. “It’s already been one day at the new school and I’ve already been getting grade A+s already.”
   So CIC was right. It was a fun day for him and Runt and…
   “HELP!”
   Hamton and Runt jumped as they saw Rita running towards them. She dived onto Runt’s back.
   Maybe the cat hadn’t had such a bright day after all.
   “Had a good day, Rita?” asked Hamton.
   “Oh, yeah, I’ve had a good day,” said Rita. “If you include nothing but scolding from the teachers and being bullied by birds!”
   “What birds?” asked Runt.
   “The bullying birds from House Barfethon!”
   “Well, where are they?” asked Runt.
   Rita pointed at them. Hamton and Runt looked ahead to see Mersi, Slimy and a tall magpie and a tall robin.
   “Aw, it’s those friendly birds,” Runt said happily.
   “Runt, those are my bullies, you buffoon,” said Rita.
   “Oh,” said Runt.
   The bullies stopped before them.
   “They’re probably just jealous of us because we’re new here,” Hamton said to Rita and Runt. Then he slowly and nervously turned to face the bird bullies. “Aren’t you?”
   They kept on giving them a hard stare. 
   “You got something against creatures that don’t fly?” said Rita.
   “Only when cats and dogs such as yourself attack birds like us when you hunt,” said Mersi.
   “Do they?” asked Slimy.
   “Of course, you twit,” said Mersi. “Don’t you remember what happened to our parents?”
   “I thought a tree branch fell on them,” said Slimy.
   “It did,” said Mersi. “But that’s not what – ”
   “Miss Tannister!” cried the magpie.
   “What?” Mersi yelled.
   “They’ve gone!”
   And the magpie was right. Hamton, Rita and Runt were no longer in front of them.
   “Well, don’t just stand there!” yelled Mersi. “After them!”
   Then they all flew after them.

 

Hamton, Rita and Runt ran as fast as they could through the shiny white titled hallway. They stopped and panted.
   “Is there no one who can help us?” panted Hamton.
   “It’s a school for spies, not for Grade A+ geeks,” said Rita. “What did you expect – ”
   Runt turned around and jumped up, knocking Rita off. He was standing up on a wooden door and sniffed. “Hot chocolate,” he sighed. “Yummy!”
   Rita got up and saw that the door Runt was leaning on had a golden plating sign with the words: ‘Dean Bill Paulson’.
   The door opened and Runt fell down before a big stork.
   “What do you want?” the stork demanded. “I’m a very busy dean.”
   “Dean Paulson, sir,” said Hamton. “We’re very new here and we’re being chased by bullies.”
   “Well, here is my advice to new students,” said Paulson, wriggling his first primarily feather to get Hamton, Rita and Runt to lean in closer.
   “My advice is,” Paulson whispered, “that you… LEARN TO STICK UP AND DEFEND YOUR OWN TAILS! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO SOLVE EVERYONE’S PROBLEMS! Now, was that helpful?”
   Rita and Runt were terrified and all Hamton could do was nod his head slowly.
   “Good,” smiled Paulson. “Now, I’m going to have my hot chocolate and biscuits. Yummy!”
   Then he closed the door.
   “Thanks for the helpful tips,” Rita said sarcastically.
   “Found them!”
   Hamton, Rita and Runt turned to see Mersi and her gang flying towards them.
   “Hey, guys, we can hide in there,” said Hamton. He ran and his cat and dog friends followed him towards a wooden door. Hamton tried to jump up to the silver handle but he couldn’t.
   Runt went to the door and Rita jumped onto his head and pulled the handle down.
   “Go, go!” she ordered as she opened the door.
   Hamton went in and Runt followed with Rita closing the door behind them.


“It’s very dark in here,” whispered Runt. “Definitely dark.”
   “Quiet,” whispered Rita. “We don’t want those bullies to find us.”
   “Whoa!” cried Hamton. He had tripped over some steps and was falling down.
   “I don’t think anyone will notice we’re in here, while it’s dark in here,” said Hamton.
   But he was wrong. Big, bright, white lights went on. As he got up, he saw that he, Rita and Runt were in a very bright, gigantic, white room. It was full of computers, chemicals, cars, weapons and everything a spy needs.
   “How very clever of you guys to join us.”
   Hamton turned around to see a little firebird wearing a white laboratory coat.
   “Sorry, Miss In-G,” said Hamton.
   “Miss In-G is my mother,” said the little firebird. “I’m her adopted daughter, Hannah. You’re Hamton J. Pig from Tiny Toon Adventures.”
   “Yeah, that’s right,” said Hamton.
   Hannah turned around. “And you’re Rita and Runt from Animaniacs.”
   “Nice to know someone little watching our shows,” said Rita. “Even though they’ve been cancelled for more than twenty years.”
   “Where are the rest of them?” asked Hamton.
   “Where, who?” asked Runt.
   Hannah chuckled. “Your friends, of course.”
   “Well, these girls were trying to catch us,” said Hamton.
   “You, really, Hamton,” said Rita. Then she turned to Hannah. “Me and Runt were dragged into this.”
   “And we were found by this secret agent called – ”
   “Jane Rond,” said Hannah.
   “You know her?” Hamton cried happily.
   “Of course. She’s not just a spy. She’s an assistant to my mum and the closest person I could call a sister.”
   “Aww, that’s nice,” said Hamton.
   “What’s nice?”
   Hannah and her new friends turned around to see Rond and the real In-G walking to them.
   Hamton cleared his throat. “What’s nice is that Hannah here was saying that you were – ”
   “Going to give them a quick tour,” said Hannah. “We haven’t done one for ages. We don’t get many visitors down here.” Then she flew off.
   “For good reason, Hannah,” said In-G. “This is a secret laboratory because it is secret. If we just let anyone down here, they could take the weapons and hurt anyone they want.”
   “Well, I’m sure they won’t, In-G,” said Rond. Then she turned to her friends. “Come on, we’ll give you a tour.”
   Hamton, Rita and Runt followed Rond, Hannah and In-G.


“Well, this is our car section,” said Rond.
   “Cars?” cried Runt. Then he sneered and growled as he charged for the Aston Martins, the Lotus cars, the BMWs and the other cars.
   “Dogs, go fig,” Rita sighed.
   Hamton was the only one who was very impressed. “Wow,” he said, as he stroked one. “These cars are awesome. And very clean.”
   “Well, I try my best,” said In-G. Then she turned to face Rond. “Unlike some.”
   “Oh, come on, In-G,” said Rond. “You know, it’s hard to not scratch these cars when they’re in the field.”
   Runt, who was still growling at a Lotus, jumped up and put his paws on the bonnet. Then he was zapped away from the car bonnet and was tangled in the pipes of the petrol pump station.
   “What happened?” asked Rita.
   “That car has an electric defence system on the outside,” said In-G. “To stop the bad guys or girls getting in. Now, let’s move on, shall we?”
   Next, Hamton, Rita and Runt were shown the computers where they did all the research for their missions and equipment. Then they were shown the chemistry set.
   “What’s that?” asked Hamton, as he looked at a metal suit; it looked very similar to an Iron Man suit.
   In-G landed next to him. “That is the armour the founder of P.E.E.L.E.D. wore in the medieval times,” she told him.
   “So this lab is also a museum?” asked Hamton.
   “You could,” said In-G. “But not a very big one.”
   “Or an exciting one,” added Rond.
   “You know, for a medieval suit,” said Rita, “it sure has a lot of weapons – guns, lasers, rockets.  And looks up to modern standards, nonetheless.”
   Rond, In-G and Hannah exchange worried looks.
   Then a light blub in a cloud appear above Hannah’s head. “Speaking of weapons…”
   She flew over to the giant cupboard doors and opened them.
Hamton, Rita and Runt looked a little uncomfortable as they looked at all of the guns, the swords, the boots… with swords sticking out and the watches who seemed normal except with its magnetic effects and its lasers that Hnaah nearly fired at them.
   “Watch it!” snapped Rita.
   Rond got out a large, massive shotgun-like weapon and chucked it to Hamton.
   “What is it?” asked the nervous pig.
   “You see those targets over there?” asked Rond, pointing to them.
   Hamton looked at the three firing range targets.
   “Fire at them,” said Rond.
   “All right,” said Hamton. He pulled the trigger and out fired a ball of green goo. He hit a bullseye!
    Impressed with himself, Hamton fired the gun at the other targets. They were bullseyes, too.
   “Well done, Hamton,” smiled In-G.
   Hamton was so impressed with his progress that he didn’t realise he was still holding the trigger down.
   Rond quickly noticed. “Hamton, let go of the trigger now!”
   He did so, but still –
   SPLAT!
   The room was now covered in green goo. In front of the mess, Bugs, Lola and Daffy in lab coats and goggles appeared.
   “So it weren’t exactly a great day from Hamton, Rita and Runt,” said Bugs. “Dey were thousands of miles away from home, dey were gettin’ bullied by bullies and everything was just confusin’ to them.”
   “Speakin’ of confusion,” said Daffy, “just how is all this building up to the story? I just don’t get it.”
   “I think we’d better cut to the next chapter while we still have to explain to this duck,” said Lola.
   “Good idea, Lola,” said Bugs. Then he turned to the readers. “Keep readin’, folks. We’ll catch up with you soon.”

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