Uncovering

I got of of the psychiatric facility I had been locked into for a few months, and started thinking. Then I wrote. This is what became of it.

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8. Self destruction

I’ve come to this ‘chapter’ now, and even though I am not sure that I can put this ‘tendency’ or ‘emotion’, down in understandable phrases, I’m gonna try. Let me start off with a statement: If you have not lived it, you can never fully understand it.

So, self destruction. What is there to say? Destruction towards one self. This is not smashing a glass simply to do it. It is smashing a glass to paint it red. It is not thinking ‘fuck it’; its thinking ‘fuck it, I’m already broken’. It’s leaving the pieces of glass on the floor, so that the people around you will yell at you and confirm what a great failure you are. It’s fooling around with people who should be left alone, simply because you KNOW that you’re gonna wake up alone, and it’s gonna hurt like hell. Self destruction is not just cutting up your veins and wearing long sleeved in the summer. It is also manipulating yourself into thinking you’re doing something good; just to realize that damn, no. It’s breaking your own heart. Scarring yourself on the inside or the outside doesn’t matter. It’s self harm all the same. One thing you should remember is: Self destruction in it self is not suicidal. It’s staying alive. It’s a coping method. Some peoples only coping method.

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