A War in Which There Are Copious Amounts of Cake and Large Weapons

Who will triumph, Prodigy's DWATILNLTDE or Raven's Dauntless Army? Or possibly Rodrigo.R.R.Goldlight's FISH ARMY? (Nahhhh, not the stupid fish.) In this good-natured battle which is a complete and total joke, you might just find out. This was not based off of anyone else's movella, but rather a series of conversations about which you would know, if you were a part of them. Anyone can read this, however, assuming you do not take it seriously in any way.

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15. 11. SNAPE & PRODIGY R LYK BFFAEAEAEAE

 

    Prodigy tapped her foot and looked at her watch. “Ugh, why is everyone always late to battle? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t send them a post card yesterday with the date and time to be there!” 

    She looked out on the empty field with disgust.

    Rainbow scratched her neck shiftily. “Uh, yeah, about that...”

    Prodigy gave her a sidelong look. “You did deliver it, didn’t you?”

    Rainbow blushed. “Well, I meant to! Really, I did! But then there was this cake, and-”

    Prodigy cut her off with an exaggerated sigh. “Do you still have it?”

    “Of course,” Rainbow replied. “Here.”


    Prodigy took the postcard and looked over the front once more. “It’s so beautiful. Thank you, A-Very-Potter-Musical-Draco,” she said.

    “Well, of course,” he/she replied. “I’m rather proud of it, in fact. See the writing on the front? It’s quite good.”

    “Yes, it is,” Prodigy agreed.

    “Actually, I think it’s the best I’ve ever done,” he/she said, frowning. “Can I have that back?”

    Prodigy snatched it away from his/her grabbing fingers. “No! Rainbow’s going to take it to Literally Raven.”

    “Aw, but daddy would so love to see it!” AVPMDraco pouted.

    “Tough,” Prodigy said, flipping the postcard over. 


    She read it and sighed. “Does anyone have a blood quill handy?” 

     "Umbridge is off annoying Snape, I think," Rainbow said.

    Harry, standing nearby, clutched his left hand to his chest. “Not that thing again! You told me I’d be allowed to draw hearts and puppies into my hand forever!! But no, you just made me write stupid stuff.”

    Prodigy rolled her eyes. “You got to draw hearts, look.”

    Harry shook his head fervently and shut his eyes tight. 

    “Fine, does anyone at least have a pen?” Prodigy said, exasperated.

    Voldemort, appearing out of nowhere, of course, stepped up beside her. “This looks like a job for Voldemart.”

    He handed her a disposable pen with blue ink. 

    “Thanks,” Prodigy said. 

    Voldemort cleared his throat once. Prodigy ignored him. He cleared his throat louder.

    “What?” she asked, annoyed.

    “That’ll be five sickles.”

    “Five sickles?” Prodigy asked in shock. “It’s a disposable pen!”
    “...For five sickles,” Voldemort said adamantly. “Now do you want to write that note or not?”

    Prodigy sighed. “Fine,” she said, handing over the coins.”

    “Thanks,” Voldemort replied. He turned to walk away. “Oh, just a heads up: I taxed the use of the word ‘literally’.”
    Prodigy grinned. “Nice one.”

    He walked away and she turned back to her note, adjusting the time to be an hour from then.


    “Um, that says, ‘Yes, this was written in blood. YOURS.’ How is that possible?” Rainbow asked. “Did you get their blood?”

    “No, it was Harry’s,” Prodigy replied. “They don’t have to know that.”

    “But won’t they know that they didn’t lose any blood?”

    Prodigy sighed again. “Why is everybody in this army so difficult?” she demanded. “ACCIO BLOOD.”

 

 

    Somewhere in the Dauntless compound, one poor soul who had just cut himself on a fork while eating his cake screamed as a trail of blood flew from his new wound into the air and off across the field.

 

    Prodigy let the blood fall to the ground and stepped around it. “Happy?”
    Rainbow shrugged. “I’m a little disillusioned, but I guess it’s okay.”

    Prodigy thrust the postcard at her. “Great, disillusioned!Rainbow, go deliver this.”

    “Okay!” Rainbow replied, hopping on her unicorn and riding off on her private rainbow.

    

Prodigy waved at her as she galloped off. She looked at Harry. “Well, I better go see what Snape’s up to. We have an hour to kill now. Want to come?”

    “Snape scares me,” Harry muttered.

    Prodigy rolled her eyes. “Everyone scares you.”

    “You don’t scare me.”

    “Hey!” Prodigy cried indignantly. “Go ahead and *faceProdigy* and we’ll see about that.”

    Harry shrugged and did a *faceProdigy*. 

    “Disemboweling curse!” Prodigy replied. Harry looked horrified, and rightly so, for his guts were now scattered across the ground. Prodigy healed him with a flick of her wand. “Now am I scary?”

    Harry nodded mutely with wide eyes. 

    “Good,” she said, satisfied. “Come on.”

    With Harry clutching his stomach and trailing behind, Prodigy headed over to where Snape stood, arms crossed and looking irritated. So, pretty much his normal stance.

    “Heya, Snape!” Prodigy said. “What’cha up to?”

    “Trying not to Sectumsempra my own army,” Snape replied irritably. 

    Prodigy frowned. “Why’s that? More *faceSnapeing*?”

    “No,” Snape growled. “Because of HER.”

    Prodigy followed his gaze to a short woman in a fuzzy pink suit, waving cheerily. “Oh. Right.”

    “Prodigy, can I speak with you for a moment?” Umbridge called sweetly.

    “No I don’t have your blood quill,” Prodigy replied tiredly.

    “Not about that, dear...”

    “Don’t call me ‘dear’,” Prodigy snapped.

    Umbridge frowned. “If you don’t come talk to me, I will feed Padfoot chocolate cake.”

    “You’ll..you’ll...what?” Prodigy asked in horror. “Oh, fine.”

    She stomped over to Umbridge, who lowered her voice so that Snape couldn’t hear.

    “So, you know Snape pretty well, right?” Umbridge asked.

    Prodigy laughed. “Of course. They don’t call me the ‘Potions Prodigy’ for nothing. Snape’s like, my BFF. We exchanged bracelets and everything. Why do you think he doesn’t roll up his left sleeve? People can’t handle the awesomeness of our bracelets.”

    Umbridge’s eyes drifted to Prodigy’s wrist which she promptly covered up. There was no way she’d let Umbridge see the bracelet that said  SNAPE & PRODIGY R LYK BFFAEAEAEAE [Best friends forever and ever and ever and ever]. 

    “Okay, well then can you tell me how to get him to like me?” Umbridge asked.

    Prodigy eyed her. “To...like you?”

    Umbridge gave a girly sigh. “I’ve had a crush on him for like EVER! He’s so mean and evil and sarcastic...and therefore really really awesomely attractive-”

    “Excuse me while I vomit.”

    “-and I don’t think he likes me.”

    Prodigy scoffed, “Um, NO!”
    “No what?”

    “No, he doesn’t like you?” she said in disgust. “I don’t like you much either.”

    “Good to know,” Umbridge replied. “So, advice...? Or should I feed some chocolate to Padfoot?”

    Prodigy gave a dramatic sigh. “FINE. I’ll tell you the secret. *faceSnape*. That’s the secret. Watch.”

    “Snape!” Prodigy called, running up to him. She *faceSnaped* him on the back. 

    “Hi, Prodigy,” Snape said mildly.

    “Hi,” Prodigy replied with a grin.

    Umbridge watched this with interest. Then, she came running over and *faceSnaped*.

    “SECTUMSEMPRA!” Snape shouted, cursing Umbridge. “THERE WILL BE NO *FACESNAPING* IN THIS ARMY. Unless you’re Prodigy.”

    Prodigy smiled smugly. “Come on, Snape. Let’s go get ready for the battle.”

    She walked off with Snape, leaving Umbridge to be surreptitiously captured by the Dauntless army....Possibly. Maybe not. Who knows for sure? Prodigy was walking away, she didn’t see. Maybe Umbridge died. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she fed chocolate to Padfoot. Maybe she’s writing this right now. O.o

 

---{}-{}-{}---

AN: So, um.... That just happened. Anyway, this is your friendly neighborhood Prodigy writing to tell you....I don't actually have anything to tell you. That the time of the battle has been postponed? Let's go with that. Therefore, whatever I said in the last authors note doesn't apply to this chapter, but actually to the NEXT one that I write. Hopefully after Chicken's (Raven's) and Rod's. Who knows. (By the way, the drawing was supposed to be horrible. I may not be a genius artist, but I can at least do better than that....I think a kindergartener could do better than that....)I'll leave you with a message from our sponsor:

 


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"VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Prodigy screamed.

"...That'll be ten cents, please."

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