Booty Call Blues....Every Time Ache

A poem about choosing to endure something that's painful...because the alternative is nothing at all.

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1. ***

When you recklessly proclaim your love
In slurred slang, at 1.44 am
I helplessly believe you, 
Avoiding the story between the lines
Pray that you mean it 
And let you in
***
So easily, easily
I am convinced 
By the breadth of your smile
And eager grasp
By your whimper and cry
Fuck being strong
Fuck self-respect
And all the rest of it,
That’s for when you’re not around
***
The morning and it comes again
The Every Time Ache,
Of when you leave. 
And strength and self-respect
Were sent packing last night,
So now I am too weak to watch you go 
And see that you don’t look back.
My eyes search the room instead,
As though they might find my pride in here
But that has gone as well
I think it followed you out
***
Your indecent goodbye 
So murderously casual
Is still ringing in my ears
After hours have passed. 
Still, I am stuck between sheets,
Still sticky with our sweat
Still, at 4pm, unshowered
Because I cannot bear to wash you off 
***
Later you call, 
Fueling my confusion
Temporarily, 
While I look for evidence 
In any word of our conversation
That the conversations before you came
Were how you felt
But finding none,
I can barely speak to answer 
Your courtesy call
I hope you mistake that for indifference
***
Last year we were in love,
When? Well, before the swallows left 
Making love in the gilding light 
That evenings have at that time of year 
But I can’t remember how to be 
The girl in the Summer field
Unkown and wide-eyed 
Now that you come to my house in the Spring 
And see wide-eyes narrow 
As you talk about see you later
****
Do I grow a little uglier
Every time?
Am I easier to leave behind for longer?
And longer
Until one day, 
You will be ready for for ever 
And do you grow a little surer of your decision 
Not to love me
Every time
That you leave?
***
Who will she be?
Slim, with model length? 
Or will she have all the curves that I don’t?
Will she be like me,
But with hair neat and the paint on her nails unchipped?
Or was I not what you were looking for at all…
Who will she be? Mentally, I play it on repeat,
(A theme tune to the Every Time Ache)
Who makes you want to stay
Every time
Between the sticky sheets
And never leave 
***

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