If I Die Tonight

"If I die tonight, what will I have done?"
Just those words which I said one night to my best friend were the cause of what happened next. I never expected for it to be the start of one of the wildest things I'd ever done - gate crashing One Directions party.

[Brilliant cover made by Lucy Style] :)

4. 4

[All credit for brilliant banner goes to Maggi Styles!]


I looked around desperately for a way in which I could escape but there was none. Unless I wanted to die by jumping over the edge of the balcony there was absolutely no way out. I turned to face the doorway to meet my fate as Harry appeared again followed by someone.

I held my breath, my heart beating manically but then I set eyes on the boy behind him and I realised it wasn't a security guard. It was a blonde haired, smiling boy who I was shocked to set my eyes on. It was Niall Horan. 

I breathed out a breath of relief. Thank goodness. He wasn't a security guard.

I smiled at him awkwardly as Harry stepped to stand beside me and passed me over a cup of water. I took it and said, "thank you!"

Harry smiled then pointed to Niall and introduced him. "This is Niall."

"Hi," I replied, looking at my feet feeling hot around the face.

"Hello. What's your name?" He asked.

"Er, Harri, with an I," I answered and I heard Harry laugh beside me. I looked round at him and smiled at his expression. After all we did have the same name if spelt differently so I wasn't surprised he found it amusing.

"Well, all the best people have the same name," he commented and I blushed a little. "Except I'm Harry with a y."

He laughed again. I couldn't help but smile, his smile was pretty infectious and right now I was so happy he hadn't gone to get security that I could cry with joy. Niall laughed to and I looked round at him. He was looking between Harry and I with a weird kind of expression that I couldn't quite grasp. It was like he was saying something but without words. 

He caught Harrys eye and said, "well, I think I'll leave you two Harry's together." He winked and I blushed and Harry just chuckled in a knowing way. It had been a short meeting but I was pleased that I had handled it okay.

"Okay," Harry replied and smiled widely at him. "Just don't tell anyone we're hiding out here, okay?"

He nodded quickly and shot me another sweet smile. "Of course I won't tell, wouldn't dream of it."

I smiled again, my face feeling particularly like it was going to break from smiling so much. I was so relieved, and it was nice that Harry didn't want other people to come out here. Well that's what I thought he meant by what he said to Niall. Maybe he sensed I didn't like too many people about.

I didn't seem to be in any sort of trouble, well not yet. Maybe this gate crashing thing wasn't that bad but still as Niall said goodbye and went back through to the party I looked round at Harry nervously. I was so nervous around people, I was nervous about how I was going to cope with this. I can just see it now, me doing or saying something stupid. 

"Do you want to sit down?" Harry asked breaking the awkward silence and gesturing to the balcony metal seats which were around a small glass topped table.

I nodded and sat down as he walked round to sit on my left, putting his cup on the table. I did the same, chewing the inside of my mouth and looking at my shaking hands. I was so nervous right now I couldn't think of anything to say and I couldn't even move without feeling like I was doing something stupid.

"You don't have to look so tense you know," Harry told me suddenly and I looked up at him.

I shrugged and answered him quietly, "sorry, I'm just not very good with people."

He chuckled and replied, "you don't seem like that."

I smiled and said, "well I am. I'm a bit socially awkward really, and shy."

"I think shyness is cute," he commented and I blushed furiously. "And being socially awkward is fine, we all are a little."

"You aren't," I told him and I noticed him roll his eyes.

"I guess, but to be honest with you, parties aren't my thing either," he replied and I had to admit I was a little shocked at that fact. From what I'd heard the members were very rowdy people who were all party animals. "I'd much rather just sit here and talk with someone interesting like you."

"I'm not interesting," I mumbled sadly looking away.

"Hey, of course you are," he replied softly and I feel him touch my hand comfortingly. I shiver and look back round at him.

"Really?" I asked. "What makes you so sure?" I was grateful he was being nice, I just wasn't sure he was saying the actual truth. 

He shrugged as he thought about it. "I just know it."

I sighed at him and could feel my negative thoughts flooding in. "I'm not interesting. I'm not any one important, not like you, you're famous. I'm just... Nothing," I muttered quietly, hanging my head again feeling cold and horrible all of a sudden. This was the kind of thinking which brought on my question. If I die tonight, what will I have done? I have no great achievements, I'm not important or do anything worthwhile with my life that would be remembered.

"You don't have to be famous to be interesting," Harry replied cocking an eyebrow at me. "You're not nothing!"

"I am," I protested. He was charming, and it was nice... but I wasn't going to take compliments. I wasn't really the sort of person to.

"No you're not," he argued. "Listen to me."

I sighed, not wanting to start an argument when we'd only just met. I wasn't exactly making a good positive impression, that was just me to a T I guess.

"But at least you've done something with your life." He was so much more than I would ever be. 

"Well fame isn't everything. There are perks of course but to be honest sometimes I could do without all the screaming fans, flashing cameras and the constant pressure to not make mistakes. Even a tiny mistake is picked up by the media and made out to be ten times worse," he told me as he looked tired all of a sudden. He had a point, and I felt sorry for him.

"Yes, that must be annoying. You must get fed up of it all sometimes," I commented.

He nodded his head and sighed lowly. "Yeah, but I do love it. It's my job, not being famous I mean, I mean being in the band. It's my job and I love it."

I smiled at him and he smiled back. It was nice to see someone have passion for something. I was highly unmotivated and passionate. 

Finishing my drink I lent my elbows on the table and my smile dropped. Compared to him I was nothing. I'm just a lazy and stupid girl who hasn't done anything with herself.

"Hey, don't cry sweetie," Harry suddenly soothed and I realised tears were in my eyes.

I hastily wiped my eyes, not looking at him. "I'm sorry," I apologised, feeling ashamed. "I'm just so pathetic."

"You're anything but pathetic," he retorted quickly with a stern but kind look. What did he know?

"Thanks, but you don't understand. I'm just a whole mess! I haven't done anything with my life. I failed my A-Levels. I don't even have a job! How can you can say I'm interesting and not pathetic from that?" I burst out, unpreventable tears leaking from my eyes even though I tried my best to stop them. I don't know why I was telling him all this when he was practically a stranger. It's just something made it feel okay to tell him.

"It's okay, don't worry," he soothed and he pushed his chair closer giving me a warm look.

The tears didn't go away though even if I kept wiping at them.

"What you've done or don't have isn't what defines you, who you really are inside is what matters," he told me slowly and calmly.

I looked round at him, and I felt like smiling but didn't, instead just shrugged. That was a rather meaningful saying and I guess it did mean something. It filled me with a little hope that I wasn't so pathetic.

"And also, you said you weren't good with people, you seem to be fine talking to me," he added and I had to admit it to myself. He was right and that fact did make me smile. For the first time in ages I had managed to handle talking to someone new and not made a complete idiot of myself. I hadn't really blundered up my words yet and as I thought about it, something just seemed different with talking to Harry. It felt easier.

"I guess so," I replied quietly. "I just, I don't know what it is.... But I just feel more comfortable. Other new people I don't feel comfortable around, I can't talk or interact with them, but you..." I paused looking him right in the eye and whispering quietly, "you're different."

It was almost ironic that the one person I could speak to first time without messing it up was famous.

He smiled. "Well I guess, that's the same here. I feel it to, it's like I can be myself suddenly to you. Other people, I can't, I have to keep up the famous boy image, but now, with you, it's like you said, different. You're different."

I smiled back and said with a hint of a laugh, "I can't believe this. Of all the people I can actually not make a fool of myself around and prove I'm not such a social disgrace around, it's you. Harry Styles, and well... you're famous."

"I'm still a normal person, being famous doesn't make me any different to you or anyone else," he replied.

"I know, I understand that."

He smiled that brilliant infectious smile again and I couldn't help but smile back. "You see," he said, "that's a first. It's like almost every girl I meet screams in my face, asks for autographs and pictures and what ever, whereas you, you seem less, er..." He stopped to find a word but seemed like he couldn't think of one. "Well, you seem more normal. More accepting that I'm not just some famous guy, I am actually someone with a life."

"But surely being normal isn't interesting," I muttered sadly. The negative thoughts had wound their way back into me.

"No that's not true, and anyway, I reckon I need more normal people in my life to keep me sane," he replied quickly. He wasn't going to give up with the argument that I wasn't interesting. He continued on, "life sometimes gets so hectic, what with touring everywhere, singing where ever possible and meeting thousands of fans. Sometimes you need a bit of normal to keep you grounded, to make you feel more normal." He turned his head to look at me. "Do you get what I mean?"

"Yes, I think," I answered before adding, "then again, I don't know what it's like to live a full packed busy life like yours. My life... is just boring. The dullest ever."

"No, just because your life is normal, doesn't mean it's boring," he argued. He was being too nice.

"But you don't know know me. My life is boring, I practically do nothing with myself," I quickly retorted back but softly. I didn't want to sound rude. I hung my head again with a half frustrated sigh. "These were the sort of thoughts which lead me to be here tonight."

"How do you mean?" Harry asked curiously.

"Well it got me thinking, if I die tonight, what will I have done?" I explained still not looking up again. "I told this to Coral and she said we should do something wild, and here I am."

I then looked up realising that thoughts of all of tonight and Coral were bursting in my head again. She left me, she left me on my own, when she promised me she wouldn't. She was the reason I gate crashed the party and ended up somewhere I didn't like or want to be. I couldn't help the tears coming from my eyes.

"She made me come here," I muttered deeply, biting back the tears. "I just want to go home."

Harry sighed at me but it was an understanding sound, he wasn't tired of me. "I know, shall we try and find her, then you can go home? I could tell from the second I saw you that you didn't want to be here at this party."

I looked up at him, smiled weakly and nodded, glad that he understood me and knew that I didn't really want to be at this party. I wanted to go home, not because I didn't want to talk to him, I'd even go as far to say that he is the only reason I haven't just broken down, I'd enjoyed talking to him but I still wanted to go home. I was tired, cold, upset and feeling a little ill to be honest, with added fact of being somewhere where I was so uncomfortable.

"Come on then," he said simply and stood up. I got up to, looking towards the doors anxiously back into the party. I bit my lip nervously, I really did hate being around loads of people. Harry walked to stand in front of me and smiled a little sympathetically. "It's okay, I'll look after you. You don't need to be scared," he told me as though reading my mind and then he held out his hand.

I looked at it a little shocked before saying, "thank you," and taking his hand. His palm was warm and as his fingers wrapped between mine it made me feel safer.

He squeezed my hand a little and I squeezed it back as we headed back towards the party, back to reality, back to where I wouldn't be so comfortable due to the environment. I needed to find Coral. It was time for me to go home and back to my boring life.


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